Hide your cakes. The mega fatties are coming!

Now obese people really are awful. They always take up too much room and eat loads of food. They are the nadir of every starving person. And they smell. The worst is when they sit on the train and take about 3 seats. I think its completely unfair and that people should pay for how many seats their posterior requires. And some are so gargantuan that no-one can sit opposite them unless they don't mind cosying up to someone who smells like a corpse. So that's up to 5 TRAIN SEATS for ONLY ONE selfish, self-pitying butterball. Perhaps they should consider whether they should be getting a train to work/McDonalds and that it may be prudent to walk somewhere for a change.

I don't mind mega fatties who convey themselves around without inconveniencing the general public, but they should really be BANNED from trains, and probably cinemas as well. It's generally frowned upon to sit in close proximity with others when you SMELL LIKE A MOULDY SANDWICH. Additionally most cinema seats are too small to accommodate bum arse cheeks of a fatty. And if I wanted a morbidly-obese woman sitting on my lap, I'd go to a brothel in Peckham. In fact, in cinemas, right after the 'Mobile phones' warning, there should be a 'obesity' warning. Something along the lines of "Don't let a wide load ruin your enjoyment. Boo them until they leave". Perhaps they could let the obese watch films during weekdays when the cinema is not busy. Considering that 96% of them are unemployed, It's not like it would be inconvenient.

"Fat's Amazing!" 10 Interesting facts about the obese

1) Obesity was invented by the US military in 1950, to be deployed in military theatres such as Korea and Vietnam. Able to soak up 50% more bullets than their healthy counterparts, they also terrify East Asians thanks to their superficial resemblance to Buddha.

2) In the developing world, poor people are thin. In the developed world, poor people are fat. If ever proof is needed that plentiful food rather than glands is the issue, there it is.

3) Mega fatties smell of ham or cheese, even if they haven't been eating ham or cheese.

4) In the USA, the obese are idolised as role models for the young. They are awarded for their fatness by an appearance in Jerry Springer.

5) Genetecists expect the offspring of obese couples to grow mandibles to assist with faster eating by the 24th century, and to be born without any legs by the 27th.

6) In Texas, 98% of teenagers are obese. The other 2 percent is made up of anorexics, AIDS victims and foreign exchange students.

7) In Scotland, fat people are entitled to free 'King Size' mars bars on the NHS. Scotland is the fattest 'country' in Europe, and has an average mortality rate of 42.

8) Fat women sometimes object to being labelled 'fat'. They instead prefer 'cuddly', 'bubbly' 'larger than life', 'good sense of humour' or 'political'. Try to bear this in mind if you want to have sex with a fat woman.

9) Fatties are generally harmless, unless they think their food is under threat. If they catch you looking, they can build up an impressive head of speed in an effort to run you down. If one charges, your best bet is to run in a zig zag motion, and throw cream cakes to distract it.

10) A British government quota insists that at least 5% of home-grown celebrities are fat. The celebrities currently fulfilling this quota are:
Vanessa Feltz
Michelle McManmountain
Chris Moyles
Dawn French
Sonia off Eastenders (re-entry)
Katy Brand
Jo Brand
The male political correspondant the looks like Jo Brand

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