Anyone can get a gig on TV these days

There are many mysteries in our world. The Bermuda Triangle. The Disappearance of Lord Lucan. Why people find the fat one out of Gavin and Stacey funny. But one mystery which eclipses all of these is a case which defies all logic. The case of a man whose distinct lack of credibility has made him something of a media darling. A man, who, presiding over a particularly obnoxious reign of an nasty tabloid which ended in a final, desperate belch of non-apology and utter disgrace has somehow been escalated to celebrity status. I speak, of course, of Piers Morgan.

Maybe it's his fawning little face, his ruddy cheeks or his beady eyes. It could be his jolly, roly poly physique or his wet charm that has particularly stupid housewives wrapped around his stubby little fingers. Then again, it could be the savvy of Simon Cowell, who on appointing Morgan as a judge on Britain's Got Talent not only made himself appear slightly less pompous, but also managed to bestow upon aspergers' android Amanda Holden the vague facade of being human. Morgan is so smug about his unexpected and fully undeserved success he probably blows a kiss when he sees himself in the mirror.

Quite why a 'resigned' former editor of a salacious redtop is adjudged to be in any position to assess talent is beyond me but there you go. It's the world we live in. Not only this, 'Pierce' as tupperware-titted waste of oxygen Katie Price/Reid/Andre/Bowers/Yorke likes to call him has his own show, where he interviews people who are not so disgusted on first sight of him as to vomit their intestines all over his smarmy face. I can see why Parky resigned, as he obviously got wind that a new, young maverick would be blazing a trail in the chat world, redefining the genre forever. Or maybe just having a chinwag with his ever-decreasing pool of mates.

But what's this! Morgan has somehow landed Larry King's vacant seat. I have it all wrong! Perhaps I should take a leaf out of Mr.Morgan's book. I would start by royally screwing up my job to the point where an international incident was stirring. Then, after laying low for a couple of years I would not only return to the previous level of fame I had attained, but eclipse it by actually being invited onto the TV! I'm off to curl out a turd onto my boss's desk.

Piers 'Leaves' the Daily Mirror

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