Between puberty and adulthood, things get odd

I really dislike young people. Not all of them, mind. just about 90% of them. I dislike them because they're even more cocksure than I remember people my age being at the time. The ones that are not cocksure are forming suicide pacts and ending it all over some major life travail, such as not getting the exact Land Rover sport that they wanted, or having to live in Wales. I have compiled a list of young people that I dislike, just because I can. And I don't have to do homework or study so there. In fact I never have to learn anything again in my life, ever. And I won't. Put that in the bong under your bed and smoke it.

Skinny jean wearers. I hate you all. It used to be that skinny legs were a sign that your mum didn't feed you, and were to be covered up at all costs. I owned the baggiest pair of jeans imaginable and wore them from 10 to 16, just so social services didn't put me in care. Now emaciated legs are jauntily worn like a badge of honour. It must be considered attractive if you have never had to convey yourself under your own steam. Do you kids have stairlifts at home? Atrophied, lanky spider limbs shoehorned into jeans barely roomy enough for an Olsen twin.Where do you put their genitals?

Girls with too much hair. You're so stupid you make me want to throw you in the river. Overly long tresses, back-combed to within an inch their life, and then dragged through the world's biggest hedge, backwards, by a pack of wolves. A flock of Albatrosses could be perched in your ridiculous bouffants and you wouldn't know. In fact, best check your hair now, if you can see past your fringe into the mirror. And you have a mirror big enough to see your entire barnet at once. Space telescopes have big mirrors. They're used for looking at space.

Delinquents. You are the fastest growing young person demographic. You have grandparents younger than me. You have uncles 10 years younger than you. You have cousins that are also aunties. You have enough siblings to fill an entire football team, plus substitutes. Your families are all broken. Your fishwife mums are occasionally rutted by the local villain who may or may not have fathered one of your numerous offspring - they are permanently pregnant between the ages 13 and 45. In short, you kids are dragged up by nasty, drunken, illiterate, violent and uncaring benefit thieves and the world is shocked when you also grow up to be nasty, drunken, illiterate, violent and uncaring benefit thief. Stop looking at my car.

Goths. An absurd way to single yourself out as an individual, by wearing what is essentially a uniform. Conformity personified by a group who have no desire to conform. You would appreciate the irony if you knew what irony was. And don't ask Alanis Morisette, because she don't know either. Emos, If I knew what you were, perhaps you'd get your own paragraph. But I don't. But you look like a slightly less dirty Goth to me. So all that applies to Goths applies to you . You are all tools, and you all look ridiculous.

Precocious rich kids. I hate you most of all. I hate your noses that end at impossible angles, your giant ears and prematurely balding pates. I hate your double-barreled names almost as much as I hate the pullovers you drape over your popped-collar polo shirts. You swim in a gene pool so shallow it's a wonder you can reproduce at all, Descendents of colonial bastards who cracked the whip to the tune of Jerusalem. Using the facade of charity so you can go on a jolly jaunt sailing around Europe or back-packing through Rhodesia, or whatever the local savages call it now. Always praised for your endeavour and spirit by the Daily Mail. That just gives sane folk another reason to hate the Daily Mail. Tarquin, Foie Gras, China White, Chinos and one thousand pound loafers. Cressida, of course you can borrow daddy's old Yacht to sail around the Med. Perhaps you can get a duke of Edinburgh out of it. He's our third cousin after all, so it's the least he could do. Give mummy and daddy a bit of alone time. Boarding school terms are just far too short.

So, to summarise, if you are a teenager I probably hate you. Sorry about that.

1 comment:

  1. I hate tattooed teens, tattoos are for skinheads and pirates, not fucking boybands, what's with those shit celtic bands they make you look a cunt, and tramp stamps don't make you look sexy girls, i prefer an un-marked bum cleft, tattoos are for hardo's, not to make you look hard, go on get a swastika on your forehead, or a teardrop on your cheek or how about a nice spiders web on your neck. David Beckham, that ugly bastard out of Take That, and Sporty (read ugly) Spice have a lot to answer for.

    Sorry about the language its just i fucking hate those cunting cum-gullets with a passion.