Got no talent? Do a cover version

Seeing as I do my level best to never go outside, I spent my Saturday night watching the X Factor. I love the X Factor. Every year it comes up with a few gems, who are somehow more objectionable than those the year before. My favourite this year is 'Cher'; A Cheryl Cole wannabe who may actually prove to be more annoying than Cheryl Cole herself. Only time can tell really. Yesterday she raped and murdered Viva La Vida by Coldplay - not my favourite band or song by any means but surely they deserve better than for her to shit unceremoniously all over their song. She took to the stage with her wonky sideways smile, gurning like a stroke victim. Whippet thin and strutting up and down the stage like a demented marionette, she attempted to rap some of the words, and just forget the others altogether. I have provided a link to the affront to music below. I could write a novel and still never catch the killer combination of smugness and hammy awfulness she manages to produce in just minutes, but I can't be bothered so see for yourself.

Curiously, adding comments for the video has been disabled. I wonder why.

It got me thinking about other examples of terrible cover versions. I hate cover versions at the best of times. Is there anything more lazy then singing someone else's song? They are always inferior, and in some cases, downright insulting. I have listed the ones I hate the most below.

Florence and the Machine - You got the love

Florence, alongside her 'machine' whatever that means are quite good sometimes. But they are at their worst here, ruthlessly dry-humping the cadaver of Candi Staton's 'You got the love' over and over again. In a textbook case of oversinging, her voice flutters and undulates like 2 fat people copulating. It is all very unnecessary. Her voice is like a foghorn at the best of times, with all the subtlety of a sledgehammer to the face. Here is is entirely inappropriate and makes me want to burst my eardrums with a rusty nail.

Jamie Cullum - High and Dry

Generally speaking, it is not wise to cover Radiohead. Radiohead are good and intensely depressing and therefore fit my mantra perfectly. Jamie Cullum is not good. He is an arse-faced midget who champions the worst genre ever. Witness his light-jazz infused destruction of High and Dry and recoil in horror, unless you are a complete simpleton in which case you will crow on about his 'arrangement', while reclining in a terrible Stevenage winebar. You are a moron.

Professor Green Feat. Lily Allen - Just be good to me

I know that the Beats International version was also a cover, but it was good. Norman Cook is good. This version has Lily Allen in it. That's more than enough to make me want to shit my own brain out.

Mariah Carey - I can't live

I can't live after hearing this interpretation. 3 minutes of Manatee-faced Mariah singing her ample lungs out. Another example of completely unnecessary vocal gymnastics. Subtlety - so subtle you don't say the 'b'. Look it up, Mariah. Less is more.

All Saints - Under the Bridge

The Red Hot Chilis may be an overrated pile of tosh beloved only by South Africans, but this is yet another case of having a decent song desecrated by a bunch of vapid whores with no regard for or understanding of the source material. For about 5 minutes, people liked the All Saints, until they realised that they were crap, and one of the American ones was clearly bonkers. To add insult to injury, this version, which closer resembled a send-up than a homage was their breakthrough single.

Westlife Feat. Mariah Carey - Against all odds 

Another appearance for the charmless slab of soul-diva, this time garnished with Westlife sauce. In fact, Westlife have ruined loads of songs, having no originality or talent within their ranks. This cover version is made exponentially worse by having both contribute their meagre 'talents'. This is the most damaging collaboration since the Nazis and Japs had a little pow-wow.

Bo Diddley Feat. Faith Evans - Missin' Y'all

When the sweary, woman-hating butterball known as Notorious B.I.G. was finally shot with enough bullets to finish him off, most right-minded folk were quite happy at the prospect of never having to hear his 'East Coast-West Coast' rhetoric again. But it presented a problem for Puff Daddy (as he was known at the time) as the only rapper in his little stable with any discernible talent was now a bloated and rotting corpse. Thankfully, the entrepreneurial Puffy struck while the iron was hot and released a tribute record for his murdered colleague, which fittingly murdered 'Every Breath You Take' by the Police. B.I.G.'s widow, Faith Evans, bravely stopped crying for just long enough to add her squawky vocals to the track. Luckily she was able to dry her eyes with all the dollar bills that were to come flooding her way as a result shifting millions of Copies. Puff Daddy, who is now known as 'Diddy' (except in the U.K.) is definitely NOT a criminal and profited enormously from the venture.

Madonna - American Pie

There was a time when Madonna was regarded as something other than a veiny old whore. During this period, she recorded a cover version of Don McLean's 'American Pie' which, if it were quantifiable, may lay claim to be the worst cover version of all time. Part-time prostitute and full-time arsehole, even Madonna's thin veneer of 'credibility' could not prevent this from being dreadful. Ostensibly about the death of Buddy Holly, Madonna managed to kill music with it instead.

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