I call it the art of writing without writing

The art of writing is dead. When was the last time you actually wrote something on a piece of paper? For me I only ever write if I am sending a card, and since I hate so many people this is a rare occasion indeed. My handwriting has atrophied so badly that I can now only write in capitals. If I attempt something as sophisticated as joined-up writing it looks like 2 warring factions of spiders have both lost.

If I commit something to writing it actually looks like a secret code. The only trouble is, I often can't decipher it. When I write my signature, it's never the same twice. Thank god for chip and PIN, no more eyebrows raised in my direction when trying to use my card to buy shopping with. My signature also becomes worse, depending on the magnitude of what I am signing. A cheque for 20p will be fairly neat, whereas my mortgage application resembled the output of a heart monitor during a cardiac arrest.

Not to say I was ever good at handwriting though. When I was in school, handwriting was considered extremely important. I'd say more important than something like maths. I'd be told to stop wasting time with silly things like quadratic equations and instead concentrate on my writing. I think the teachers imagined that anyone with handwriting less pretty than the finest calligrapher would be out on their ear at 12, and in the poorhouse for the rest of their pathetic little lives. When I was about 13, a fellow pupil ridiculed my handwriting in front of the whole class, and one of the less-well adjusted nutters in my year leapt to my defence, saying that I was dyslexic and that he would beat people who made fun of me. Because of his psychotic nature, I elected not to correct him.

So for much of my time at the school it was a common belief that I was dyslexic. I was even given special handwriting pens which were basically normal pens with translucent blue rubbery grips. I used to try get high off them because they smelt a bit like marker pen. It was only when my English teacher realised that I had absolutely no trouble whatsoever with reading or using one of the few computers we had that I was rumbled. Unfortunately, If I had played along a bit longer I would have been in line for a free laptop.

That's another thing, I really wanted to put a sad face at the end of that last sentence. I am officially incapable of expressing emotion without smileys (also known as 'Emoticons', if you're a c**t). In the future, if there are still printed novels, they will have to incorporate smileys into their typeface. I can imagine poetry books and trashy romance novels where smileys are more commonplace than words :(

I've always prided myself on being a reasonable speller. However, since writing this blog I've realised that this is not the case. The problem is, that I didn't realise that composing e-mails using Microsoft word automatically corrected things like 'teh' as you went along. This is because I still can't touch type, and me using more than 2 fingers at any one time (matron) can be considered a rare event. So all those years of not looking at the screen has left me blissfully aware of my staggering ineptitude. It's only through writing straight into this blog without any automated correction shenanigans that I've realised quite how retarded I am.

Luckily, I use the following online spellchecker before publishing anything which you can access using the link below. This enables me to omit my myriad typos which otherwise would fall into the hands of the pedants (metaphorically of course). Although a note of caution regarding hyperlinks. If you paste anything into the spellchecker the finished and spellchecked text will be copied back in as plain text. So don't do what yours truly did, and put loads of links into an article before you have spell checked because you'll have to find and re-link everything again. And that would make you a poor speller and stupid.


The link above will take you to the Queen's English spellings, so you won't be offered bastardised 'corrections' like 'color', or 'aluminum'. Americans, if you want to come across a bit more cleverer, just click thru the link above also. One more note on blogs. they're great. No more messy HTML or CSS (unless you are a sadomasochist and really want to), no more having to upload new files to FTP sites for a one-word amendment, and you can write little bits and pieces as and when you can. I wrote a couple of paragraphs of this when I was on the bog. Which is entirely appropriate given the amount of (albeit correctly spelt) crap I write.

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