Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate's life for me.

For some reason, a lot of intelligent, law-abiding citizens have a blind spot on their moral compass the size of Peru when it comes to one particular act of lawlessness, and that is the act of piracy. Whether it be music, videogames or films, all are considered fair game by these mavericks, the swashbuckling heroes sticking 2 fingers up to 'the man' and showing the rest of us up for the conformist, capitalist fools we are. These selfless Robin Hoods rape and stifle the creativity of others in the name of freedom. God bless 'em.

I would be better able to abide pirates if they were able to admit that they were thieves. But despite the fact they are thieves, who may as well run out of HMV with a shedload of CDs stuffed under their jumpers, they refuse to acknowledge this fact. Instead, the same old tired, cliched mitigations and justifications are reeled out by people, disgusted at the fact that they are considered thieves when in fact, they are thieves. And they're not even good or intelligent thieves. They sit there, in their underpants, dribbling all over their keyboard as their withered hands dart back and forth, mouse in hand, randomly downloading everything they can. Below are some of the more common justifications for these acts of theft, that you may hear when dealing with these turgid individuals.

"Other people pay for it, so I don't need to" - If everyone had this attitude, then all these industries would cease to exist tomorrow. Just because other people are propping up your greedy, thieving lifestyle does not justify its continuation. It would be like me strolling up to Curries, wrenching a massive 3D TV off the wall and walking out with it, all the while wearing a smug grin, sniggering at all the other poor fools who actually elect to pay for things they want, rather than just steal them.

"I go to concerts, so it's OK for me to download music for free" - Hmmm. Let's suspend for a minute the disbelief that these cretins who download every new album have seen even 10 percent of the artists whose work they have stolen live, and take it on face value that for all the hundreds of artists they have stolen off of, they have paid to see them all at least once. Even if that was the case, how many of those were seen at festivals where the individual artists get an infinitesimally small percentage of the takings? And what if artists don't want to do in excess of 200 gigs per year, playing in Romford to gurning simians, dodging plastic bottles of Bacardi Breezer? That second album isn't going to happen any time soon. But it's not as if anyone would bother buying it, anyway. Why bother spending all that money on producing and tweaking an album for optimal aural performance, when the only time you will see any money for it is if you play over thousands of grunting morons on a terrible sound system in Norwich?

"Videogames cost too much, that's why I don't pay" - Obviously, the days of paying upwards of 60 pounds in 1989 for a game that lasts mere hours are long forgotten, then. Games take longer, involve more staff and require more of a budget to produce than most movies. They can provide months of entertainment. But that doesn't stop gibbering baboon-brained morons from paying nowt for them. Then they have the audacity to complain when their Xbox 360 is blocked from Xbox Live. Diddums, you cretinous, cro-magnon pikey idiots.

"Film stars are paid too much money, so why should I pay to see them?" - No-one is holding a gun to your head, forcing you to watch these films. If you have such a strong moral objection to the obscene salaries paid out, why not stay at home, and read a book instead, or do all those words and lack of explosions confuse you. You see, the only films that really suffer from your belligerent and quite ridiculous attitude are those from the smaller studios, where low takings for one movie can mothball other forthcoming projects, or close studios altogether. The blockbuster films that pay the silly wages will always prosper, because there will always be intellectually bankrupt retards who will pay top dollar to see Twilight 12 or Fastest and the Furiousest.

No punishment is too great for these thieving gits. Hopefully, in the future there will be harsher sentences bestowed upon these individuals. Perhaps some method of bisecting fingers with inbuilt lasers, should someone attempt to download copyrighted music. Or obliterating the abodes of those downloading the latest shoot-em-up with a Gatling gun. Maybe confiscating all films and TV programmes of a movie download whore, and forcing them to watch episodes of Friends back to back for eternity would work.

In closing, if you don't pay for stuff and just take it, I hate you. All of you, with your smug and somehow morally superior attitude when it comes to your cowardly acts of theft. Here's what will become of our arts if you carry on. In 10 years the music singles chart will be full of X Factor winners, and X Factor runners-up. Attaining a number one will require around a thousand copies sold. Aspiring musicians and people with talent will be forever stuck, stacking shelves at Tesco, waiting for the call that never comes. In cinemas, there will be no films that are not sequels or do not star Shia LeDouche. Videogames will regress to smaller and simpler titles which are cheap to produce, with the exception of FIFA, which will continue to sell billions of copies to the knuckle-draggers. For this is our future, and you retarded arseholes are making sure it happens. Congratulations, you thieving, smug, idiotic bastards.

1 comment:

  1. Good points well made.

    Some prominent (!) games journalists have very peculiar ideas about piracy indeed.