People I hope to outlive

There is some satisfaction in outliving someone else. In fact, in order to become both bitter and old, I have to do a great deal of that. There are some people who are so annoying, that I can't help but wish death on them. Unfortunately a lot of them are younger than me. So more than likely they will win. But I'm going to start taking better care of myself, so at least a few of them may fall by the wayside before me. And then, needless to say, I'll have the last laugh.

Peaches Geldof

She's like a bad, turd-spattered penny that keeps turning up. Her loathsome, vacant and chubby features try to make sounds that approximate interesting statements and fail miserably. Quite what her dad did to deserve ending up with this spoiled, stupid and detestable brat is beyond comprehension, but it must have been bad. Especially because he had all that positive karma from Live Aid.

Michael Buble

Standing atop the pantheon of twattish music, he is only liked by women of a certain age and really stupid men, who are trying to impress women of a certain age. Seems like a nice enough chap, but he just keeps perpetuating and re-hashing a musical genre that should have died along with 'old blue eyes'. So now, Buble has to die too.

Lily Allen

Her stupid life is consumed with little personal dilemmas that no-one apart from her wants to know about. But she keeps using her shouty stupid gob to spout off whenever she's in range of a laptop. So with this in mind, hopefully she can decide the following and make her bloody mind up. Has she stopped making awful music, or is will she continue making awful music ? Was she dragged up on the mean streets of north London, having to blow Albanian gangsters to survive, or was she pampered and preened and schooled in one of the finest private institutions in the country? Is she thin and titless, or fat and titless? The world needs to know.

Justin Bieber

Owner of the worst haircut in the history of the universe. But he's not a one-trick pony, oh no. His worryingly unbroken voice (perhaps he is a eunuch) sounds like a cat being violated by a horse to my ears. I'd be lucky to outlive him, given that he is about 12. His death may be unnecessary, as he may well fade into obscurity once he starts getting pubes and gets all spotty and awkward.

Fearne Cotton

Who likes Fearne Cotton? What is she for? Destined to be a spinster forever? Maybe she should talk less and listen more. I would never have thought that the BBC could manage find a less favourable replacement for Jo Whiley, but manage it they did. Even annoying best pal Holly Wheelbarrow has a husband and kid for company, and incredibly lucrative contracts with ITV. Poor little Fearne has nothing. Nothing but being mercilessly picked on by Keith Lemon.

Matt Horne

He somehow achieves the impossible task of making James Corden appear funny. He was unfunny in Gavin and Stacey, unfunny in that dreadful sitcom, and unfunny in that dreadful film. He thought he was going to be the new Simon Pegg, but unfortunately Simon Pegg is funny. Matt Horne will never, ever be funny. He is awful. He tries to be quirky by dressing as an Italian exchange student. Just to reiterate, he is not funny. The only funny thing he will ever do, is to die in a spectacular and unlikely way. Preferably fired out of a cannon into an enraged Rhinoceros's anus, who will then run off a cliff, get sliced into small pieces by a low-flying plane's propeller and land in a vat of hydrochloric acid. That would be funny.

How to get through a boring morning at work

From: XXXXX, Vam
Sent: 06 October 2010 11:11
To: XXXXX, Alex
Subject:

Yo do you have any good music collection that I could borrow ??

Vam

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: XXXXX, Alex
Sent: 06 October 2010 11:11
To: XXXXX, Vam
Subject: RE: 

What do you mean by borrow?

Thanks,

Alex

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: XXXXX, Vam
Sent: 06 October 2010 11:14
To: XXXXX, Alex
Subject: RE: 

Well I could copy them to my hard disk at home

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: XXXXX, Alex
Sent: 06 October 2010 11:17
To: XXXXX, Vam
Subject: RE: 

No, that’s both illegal and immoral

Thanks,

Alex

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: XXXXX, Vam
Sent: 06 October 2010 11:18
To: XXXXX, Alex
Subject: RE: 

Jeez you’ re such an … never mind  thanks anyway

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: XXXXX, Alex
Sent: 06 October 2010 11:19
To: XXXXX, Vam
Subject: RE: 

Do you want me to help you rob a bank as well?

Thanks,

Alex

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: XXXXX, Vam
Sent: 06 October 2010 11:24
To: XXXXX, Alex
Subject: RE: 

No thank you ,,, that’s immoral  lending music to a work mate isn’t

Vam

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: XXXXX, Alex
Sent: 06 October 2010 11:26
To: XXXXX, Vam
Subject: RE: 

Maybe we could burgle a house, my mum’s neighbour is on holiday. I draw the line at killing, though.

Thanks,

Alex

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: XXXXX, Vam
Sent: 06 October 2010 11:28
To: XXXXX, Alex
Subject: RE: 

Some people like you are still alive just because shooting is illegal

No thanks

Vam

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: XXXXX, Alex
Sent: 06 October 2010 11:32
To: XXXXX, Vam
Subject: RE: 

You’re right, that’s too ambitious. We could go to Hounslow HMV, I can distract the staff while you take some CDs?

Thanks,

Alex

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: XXXXX, Vam
Sent: 06 October 2010 12:10
To: XXXXX, Alex
Subject: RE: 

It’s a great plan but we swap role … I will distract the staff and you steal the CDs for me ..what say

Vam

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: XXXXX, Alex
Sent: 06 October 2010 12:12
To: XXXXX, Vam
Subject: RE: 

Ok what sort of music were you after?

Thanks,

Alex

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: XXXXX, Vam
Sent: 06 October 2010 12:13
To: XXXXX, Alex
Subject: RE: 

Pop …please J

Thanks

Vam

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: XXXXX, Alex
Sent: 06 October 2010 12:16
To: XXXXX, Vam
Subject: RE: 

Sorry, I hate pop. The job’s off

Thanks,

Alex

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: XXXXX, Vam
Sent: 06 October 2010 12:19
To: XXXXX, Alex
Subject: RE: 

Okay get me anything nice that you have got … I bought a new home cinema system so I wanna  try on it  so get what ever you can . the job’s still on

Vam

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: XXXXX, Alex
Sent: 06 October 2010 12:54
To: XXXXX, Vam
Subject: RE: 

Blu ray or DVD?

Thanks,

Alex

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: XXXXX, Vam
Sent: 06 October 2010 13:21
To: XXXXX, Alex
Subject: RE: 

DVD 

Vam

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: XXXXX, Alex
Sent: 06 October 2010 13:24
To: XXXXX, Vam
Subject: RE: 

no

Thanks,

Alex

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After all that …….. Grrrr  you re sick

Vam

The Z Factor

Having spent another uneventful weekend entombed in my house, I elected to watch the X Factor again. My joy was palpable on Saturday as I witnessed 2 of my least favourite people on the entire Earth disintegrate before my very eyes. First, Katie - the bastard lovechild of Marie Antoinette and Desperate Dan - failed to impress Cheryl Cole, and then 'Cher' totally fell to pieces. Watching these 2 cry as their facade of competence went the way of their copious mascara was the best piece of television I have seen for a long time. I slept soundly on Saturday night, knowing that by Sunday evening the pair of no-hopers would be ejected from the competition. You can judge their dreadful performances for yourself below!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qy36g81pvU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HtXK9HW4yLw

So imagine my despair on Sunday when Cheryl elected to keep them both in! In a rare moment of lucidity, Cheryl declared that some people might find Katie annoying. Some people? Surely everyone will despise her by week 3. Her performance was a shambles. She forgot her words but made out it was because the song she was singing was 'emotional'. No doubt a sob story will make into the papers soon enough. She probably knows someone who died or was a bit poorly once or was denied a pony when she turned 12. She looks like a Lady Di drag act with a pineapple on her head. Her kooky act is already wearing thinner than her vocal range. But her performance was a masterclass when compared to 'Cher's' effort. 'Cher' got 3 chances to sing her song, I say sing when really all she did was a half-arsed rap in her irritating midlands/LA drawl. She even got a trademark hug from wor Cheryl but even that couldn't stop her just giving up, and all in front of that nice William chap.

Yet, for all their apparent foibles, both gals have been taken into the live stages next week. I wonder why they were chosen. I think in 'Cher's' case it is Cheryl's vanity at work. For 'Cher' has almost the same name, and is the mirror image of Cheryl (if the mirror had been smashed with a brick and sprayed with 1,000 litres of foundation). She also seems to like her R&B, which is the only type of 'music' that Cheryl can understand. Katie is obviously the new Diana Vickers or that dumpy Laura one, being both annoying, pretentious and guilty of massively overestimating her ability.

I do feel a bit sorry for Cheryl , though. For while she was laying about for months on end 'recovering' from 'malaria' the girls were chosen without her input. So imagine her dismay when she was confronted with 6! black contestants and had to put at least one of them through. My heart goes out the brave little geordie people's princess. She managed to dispatch 5 of them though, making it the largest black exodus since a bunch of hooray Henrys turned up in Africa with muskets and a bunch of fishing nets. In the end, she chose the whitest and weepiest black girl and let her continue her dream. With a bit of mood lighting, she can pass for white, just like that Leona one! I don't even know her name and have no inclination to find it out, what with her being so dull and forgettable. I remember she cried a lot though, but that is par for the course these days. If a girl doesn't cry, she must be an ice maiden. Even nails-hard Cheryl managed to squeeze out a few tears on cue.

In other news, Louis Walsh shockingly broke from convention and let massive Irish Mary through, who is Irish and is from Ireland, which afforded her no advantage whatsoever with the Irish judge Louis Walsh, who resides in a mansion in Ireland. She seems nice enough but I detect a very unpleasant undercurrent, which I am sure will make itself known should any criticism come her way. Which should really be in live show #1 considering her lack of versatility. All she can do is bellow. It's a given that anyone with a chest cavity that big should have a powerful voice. Doesn't mean it's any good though. Louis also put 'Storm' through who would have looked dated if it were still the late '80's. The other little fella is pretty good but unremarkable, and will get the boot within the first couple of weeks. Dannii chose some forgettable blokes who are not as good as they think they are and Simon chose 2 groups that he had put together himself, the egomaniac. At least the girlband fronted by the bleached blonde zebra didn't get through, which helped me sleep a little easier last night. I hated them. Thanks Simon.

The white van man

The White Van Man has been on these shores for a long time and even predate the white van by centuries. Back when there were no white vans available, they would instead sport white horses and carts and spend their days cutting up other cart drivers and generally complaining about all the Romans 'taking our jobs'. The Sun newspaper can be blamed for propelling the White Van Man into popular culture, with their celebrated 'White Van Man' column.

Up until this development, there was little information available about the White Van Man, but what was known was frightening. The White Van Men, being plumbers, plasterers, thieves etc. have long regarded themselves as a 5th emergency service, hence their conduct on Britain's roads. Most people who drive a white van must also be owners of a Porsche 911, as they wrench their van around corners like they are driving one. White Van Men also always have priority on roundabouts, whether they be to your right or otherwise. Just let them go. They are driving a 2-tonne lump which they probably purchased under dubious circumstances and any ensuing collision will render your vehicle Edith Bowman ugly.

What wasn't known about the White Van Man was that they possess a keen political conscience, until this was exhibited by the column in the Sun. The 'White Van Man' column asks the important political questions of the day to - you guessed it - the White Van Man. Topics up for discussion invariably cover such diverse elements as immigrants, people taking our jobs and nonces. The sun prides itself on the 'readership' of the White Van Man, and even dilutes the paper to a single column which sums up all the important news, known as 'The Sun Says'.

Perhaps you're unfamiliar with 'The Sun Says' but no doubt you have heard the column regurgitated in pubs across the country. You know you're in White Van Man territory when every sentence is preceded by "I ain't being funny" or variations thereof. A typical conversation with the White Van Man can be a political hot potato, and could lead to injury should you prove to be the lone dissenting voice. I have designed a table to allow you to navigate any potential potholes, with the common social commentary and a range of suitable responses. You can even select different combinations of the second and third columns to come up with new and exciting prejudicial slurs!

Opening Gambit Section of society to attack Groundless accusation
I ain't being funny, but Seems like all the immigrants are Taking our jobs
Seems like all the foreigners are Raping our women
Seems like all the pedos 'ave moved down my street
Seems like all the Muslims are Trying to blow us up
Seems like all the gays are Takin' the piss
Seems like all the call centres Can't speak english these days


Safe Response Person responsible In closing
Yeah well I blame Tony Blair Meself
The Islams Don't I
The teachers Ain't it
The NHS
The gays
The foreigners
The illegals


Good luck.