People I hope to outlive

There is some satisfaction in outliving someone else. In fact, in order to become both bitter and old, I have to do a great deal of that. There are some people who are so annoying, that I can't help but wish death on them. Unfortunately a lot of them are younger than me. So more than likely they will win. But I'm going to start taking better care of myself, so at least a few of them may fall by the wayside before me. And then, needless to say, I'll have the last laugh.

Peaches Geldof

She's like a bad, turd-spattered penny that keeps turning up. Her loathsome, vacant and chubby features try to make sounds that approximate interesting statements and fail miserably. Quite what her dad did to deserve ending up with this spoiled, stupid and detestable brat is beyond comprehension, but it must have been bad. Especially because he had all that positive karma from Live Aid.

Michael Buble

Standing atop the pantheon of twattish music, he is only liked by women of a certain age and really stupid men, who are trying to impress women of a certain age. Seems like a nice enough chap, but he just keeps perpetuating and re-hashing a musical genre that should have died along with 'old blue eyes'. So now, Buble has to die too.

Lily Allen

Her stupid life is consumed with little personal dilemmas that no-one apart from her wants to know about. But she keeps using her shouty stupid gob to spout off whenever she's in range of a laptop. So with this in mind, hopefully she can decide the following and make her bloody mind up. Has she stopped making awful music, or is will she continue making awful music ? Was she dragged up on the mean streets of north London, having to blow Albanian gangsters to survive, or was she pampered and preened and schooled in one of the finest private institutions in the country? Is she thin and titless, or fat and titless? The world needs to know.

Justin Bieber

Owner of the worst haircut in the history of the universe. But he's not a one-trick pony, oh no. His worryingly unbroken voice (perhaps he is a eunuch) sounds like a cat being violated by a horse to my ears. I'd be lucky to outlive him, given that he is about 12. His death may be unnecessary, as he may well fade into obscurity once he starts getting pubes and gets all spotty and awkward.

Fearne Cotton

Who likes Fearne Cotton? What is she for? Destined to be a spinster forever? Maybe she should talk less and listen more. I would never have thought that the BBC could manage find a less favourable replacement for Jo Whiley, but manage it they did. Even annoying best pal Holly Wheelbarrow has a husband and kid for company, and incredibly lucrative contracts with ITV. Poor little Fearne has nothing. Nothing but being mercilessly picked on by Keith Lemon.

Matt Horne

He somehow achieves the impossible task of making James Corden appear funny. He was unfunny in Gavin and Stacey, unfunny in that dreadful sitcom, and unfunny in that dreadful film. He thought he was going to be the new Simon Pegg, but unfortunately Simon Pegg is funny. Matt Horne will never, ever be funny. He is awful. He tries to be quirky by dressing as an Italian exchange student. Just to reiterate, he is not funny. The only funny thing he will ever do, is to die in a spectacular and unlikely way. Preferably fired out of a cannon into an enraged Rhinoceros's anus, who will then run off a cliff, get sliced into small pieces by a low-flying plane's propeller and land in a vat of hydrochloric acid. That would be funny.