The white van man

The White Van Man has been on these shores for a long time and even predate the white van by centuries. Back when there were no white vans available, they would instead sport white horses and carts and spend their days cutting up other cart drivers and generally complaining about all the Romans 'taking our jobs'. The Sun newspaper can be blamed for propelling the White Van Man into popular culture, with their celebrated 'White Van Man' column.

Up until this development, there was little information available about the White Van Man, but what was known was frightening. The White Van Men, being plumbers, plasterers, thieves etc. have long regarded themselves as a 5th emergency service, hence their conduct on Britain's roads. Most people who drive a white van must also be owners of a Porsche 911, as they wrench their van around corners like they are driving one. White Van Men also always have priority on roundabouts, whether they be to your right or otherwise. Just let them go. They are driving a 2-tonne lump which they probably purchased under dubious circumstances and any ensuing collision will render your vehicle Edith Bowman ugly.

What wasn't known about the White Van Man was that they possess a keen political conscience, until this was exhibited by the column in the Sun. The 'White Van Man' column asks the important political questions of the day to - you guessed it - the White Van Man. Topics up for discussion invariably cover such diverse elements as immigrants, people taking our jobs and nonces. The sun prides itself on the 'readership' of the White Van Man, and even dilutes the paper to a single column which sums up all the important news, known as 'The Sun Says'.

Perhaps you're unfamiliar with 'The Sun Says' but no doubt you have heard the column regurgitated in pubs across the country. You know you're in White Van Man territory when every sentence is preceded by "I ain't being funny" or variations thereof. A typical conversation with the White Van Man can be a political hot potato, and could lead to injury should you prove to be the lone dissenting voice. I have designed a table to allow you to navigate any potential potholes, with the common social commentary and a range of suitable responses. You can even select different combinations of the second and third columns to come up with new and exciting prejudicial slurs!

Opening Gambit Section of society to attack Groundless accusation
I ain't being funny, but Seems like all the immigrants are Taking our jobs
Seems like all the foreigners are Raping our women
Seems like all the pedos 'ave moved down my street
Seems like all the Muslims are Trying to blow us up
Seems like all the gays are Takin' the piss
Seems like all the call centres Can't speak english these days

Safe Response Person responsible In closing
Yeah well I blame Tony Blair Meself
The Islams Don't I
The teachers Ain't it
The gays
The foreigners
The illegals

Good luck.

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