The Z Factor

Having spent another uneventful weekend entombed in my house, I elected to watch the X Factor again. My joy was palpable on Saturday as I witnessed 2 of my least favourite people on the entire Earth disintegrate before my very eyes. First, Katie - the bastard lovechild of Marie Antoinette and Desperate Dan - failed to impress Cheryl Cole, and then 'Cher' totally fell to pieces. Watching these 2 cry as their facade of competence went the way of their copious mascara was the best piece of television I have seen for a long time. I slept soundly on Saturday night, knowing that by Sunday evening the pair of no-hopers would be ejected from the competition. You can judge their dreadful performances for yourself below!

So imagine my despair on Sunday when Cheryl elected to keep them both in! In a rare moment of lucidity, Cheryl declared that some people might find Katie annoying. Some people? Surely everyone will despise her by week 3. Her performance was a shambles. She forgot her words but made out it was because the song she was singing was 'emotional'. No doubt a sob story will make into the papers soon enough. She probably knows someone who died or was a bit poorly once or was denied a pony when she turned 12. She looks like a Lady Di drag act with a pineapple on her head. Her kooky act is already wearing thinner than her vocal range. But her performance was a masterclass when compared to 'Cher's' effort. 'Cher' got 3 chances to sing her song, I say sing when really all she did was a half-arsed rap in her irritating midlands/LA drawl. She even got a trademark hug from wor Cheryl but even that couldn't stop her just giving up, and all in front of that nice William chap.

Yet, for all their apparent foibles, both gals have been taken into the live stages next week. I wonder why they were chosen. I think in 'Cher's' case it is Cheryl's vanity at work. For 'Cher' has almost the same name, and is the mirror image of Cheryl (if the mirror had been smashed with a brick and sprayed with 1,000 litres of foundation). She also seems to like her R&B, which is the only type of 'music' that Cheryl can understand. Katie is obviously the new Diana Vickers or that dumpy Laura one, being both annoying, pretentious and guilty of massively overestimating her ability.

I do feel a bit sorry for Cheryl , though. For while she was laying about for months on end 'recovering' from 'malaria' the girls were chosen without her input. So imagine her dismay when she was confronted with 6! black contestants and had to put at least one of them through. My heart goes out the brave little geordie people's princess. She managed to dispatch 5 of them though, making it the largest black exodus since a bunch of hooray Henrys turned up in Africa with muskets and a bunch of fishing nets. In the end, she chose the whitest and weepiest black girl and let her continue her dream. With a bit of mood lighting, she can pass for white, just like that Leona one! I don't even know her name and have no inclination to find it out, what with her being so dull and forgettable. I remember she cried a lot though, but that is par for the course these days. If a girl doesn't cry, she must be an ice maiden. Even nails-hard Cheryl managed to squeeze out a few tears on cue.

In other news, Louis Walsh shockingly broke from convention and let massive Irish Mary through, who is Irish and is from Ireland, which afforded her no advantage whatsoever with the Irish judge Louis Walsh, who resides in a mansion in Ireland. She seems nice enough but I detect a very unpleasant undercurrent, which I am sure will make itself known should any criticism come her way. Which should really be in live show #1 considering her lack of versatility. All she can do is bellow. It's a given that anyone with a chest cavity that big should have a powerful voice. Doesn't mean it's any good though. Louis also put 'Storm' through who would have looked dated if it were still the late '80's. The other little fella is pretty good but unremarkable, and will get the boot within the first couple of weeks. Dannii chose some forgettable blokes who are not as good as they think they are and Simon chose 2 groups that he had put together himself, the egomaniac. At least the girlband fronted by the bleached blonde zebra didn't get through, which helped me sleep a little easier last night. I hated them. Thanks Simon.

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