stupid cliched phrases people use that make me want to gouge their eyes out with a turd-encrusted spoon

"What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger"

Bollocks it does. It makes you considerably weaker. If you have your arm ripped off by a bear then you are at least 25% weaker. You might have a story to tell, but try tying your shoelaces, retard. Moral of the story - don't try and have sex with bears. If you lose half your intestines cutting through your midsection with a chainsaw then you will only ever be able to enjoy modest portions of crappy food and your tree surgery days will be over. This phrase is nonsensical, stupid. But I can actually think of one person this does apply to - Robocop. But then I think he technically died. So in his case, what did kill him made him stronger (or the bits that weren't reduced to mush)

"You're worth your weight in gold"

All this does is unfairly reward Obese people, who as we all know should be executed, minced and fed to cows. For gold is worth quite a lot these days. Someone should have told Gordon Brown before he sold all of ours. Dick.

"It's the thought that counts"

Said by stingy gits when challenged over buying a cheap, tacky and often second hand Christmas present. No, it's not the thought, it's the money that counts, actually. But let's pretend for one minute that we are in a parallel universe where thought actually counts for anything at all and consider how much thought it requires to pick out a terrible piece of tat and bestow it on a dear friend or relative. Not much, really. Thought counts for jack. "Well I thought about coming into work today, so you can't fire me" See how far that attitude gets you.

"There's no 'i' in team"

but there is a 't' in twat. 2 in fact.So f**k off.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"

I think we can agree that this has been thoroughly debunked by all the teenagers who have topped themselves as a result of a bit of name-calling, whether it be through texting or one of the various available social networks. Bullying is so 21st century now. Some kids foolishly think uttering this defiant statement will somehow stop a bully in his tracks. But more often than not the bully will leave, and promptly return with sticks and stones. Never reveal your weakness. It would be like Superman saying "Let's have a fair fight, and NO Kryptonite"  to his adversaries.

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be"

So how do I go about getting my mortgage, you pious c**t

Global warming is broken

Nora, it's cold today. What's it all about? It just annoys me actually. Am I just getting old? I seem to remember being a child and playing out in the cold weather, the snow, falling over and generally having the time of my life, however sad that that is. I can't remember when I started to feel the cold. Perhaps I'm ill. I put all my various layers on, yet when I step outside I feel like there are legions of small daggers poking into me. Then I get into the warm and my hands and face feel like they're burning. I might try to hibernate. I had a beard last week, which my Wife decided made my face look fat so I got rid of it. Now my poor chin feels numb. And my ears, well I haven't had any feeling in them for days. It's not even below zero yet. I feel sorry for those Siberians. What really irks me is that the Greenhouse effect, whilst making a great deal of places hotter, will just flood England and make it a lot colder. Stupid gulf stream. I might just start pouring table salt into the gulf to keep it going. I could probably buy some salt in bulk from Netto, if it wasn't so cold. I hate  using the scraper on the car in the morning. All the ice from the windows falls onto your hands and makes them cold. Then you have to grip the freezing steering wheel, and wait a good 5 minutes for the car to get warm enough to sustain carbon-based life. Then after 1 minute of a quite pleasant temperature the interior becomes hotter than the great Satan's ringpiece. Then you have to go outside and you explode into a mass of bloody crystals because the temperature change is too extreme, like at the end of Alien 3. Apologies if you haven't seen Alien 3, but don't worry because it is poo, and I have just saved you 2 hours of your life. I suppose that the one upside of cold weather is Christmas, but then you have to go shopping which involves being outside, at least whilst in transit, and you have to spend money on people other than yourself. I vote that we commission Center Parcs to build a giant Biosphere over England (apart from Peckham, the smell would be unbearable) and then we could wear ill-fitting bermuda shorts and Ironic T-Shirts all year round. Cold weather also restricts me from employing the use of paragraphs or writing anything that makes sense. Sorry. In fact, If you haven't read this article then don't read it. It's shit.

Rewriting history, celebrity-style

I hate revisionism in all walks of life. Let facts be facts and never forget, I say. Whether it be the scurrilous crimes of Holocaust denial or ignoring Gary Glitter as a credible artist. Unfortunately as humans we are particularly fickle in this regard, especially so when applied to celebrity land. But in reality, if someone is an arsehole and dies, they do not become canonised. They are merely a dead arsehole. In the world of the celebrity, death is the ultimate PR boost. And on occasions, death is not even necessary to turn the polls of the proles back in your favour. You can rescue your reputation simply by signing a new contract.

Consider the farrago surrounding Wayne Rooney - footballer, granny botherer, adulterer. The kind of ten-a-penny thug you see in pubs across the land starting fights; he would be a hod-carrier were it not for his natural gift. A gift he seems to be intent on squandering by eating lots of pies and contracting various STI's. Following half a season of injury and rancid form, he threatened to leave Manchester United and park his considerable backside on the treatment table of a bigger, shinier club. Some of the more mentally-challenged Manchester United fans turned up at his mansion to have a right good moan. Poor wee Sir Alex Ferguson made a weepy appeal in a press conference for the loveable little scamp to stay.

Manchester United's quandary was that Rooney has been dreadful for the best part of a year, meaning they had the choice of either letting him go for a fraction of his perceived worth, or paying him lots and lots (and lots) of money. They chose the latter. Not that I have any sympathy for that football club and if they go into administration and end up languishing in the lower echelons of the football league and Fergie ends up destitute and offering handjobs for haggis there will be few people happier than me about it. But I digress - they bit the bullet and paid up, plunging themselves into more debt and making their 'business model' even more laughable. Our plucky England hero 'Wazza' engineered a deal estimated to be worth in excess of 1 million pounds per month, and with a Scotsman at that. Quite some feat.

And what of the angry supporters? Well, the tub-thumping Manyoo morons are suddenly all giddy about him again. The fat waste of space has pulled their collective pants down and given his supporters a right good rogering. Surely the next step is yet another astronomical rise in season ticket prices to pay for Wazza's prostitutes, but all this is now forgotten, as Rooney has somehow displayed his 'loyalty' to the football club by leveraging a 100%+ pay rise and all is forgiven.When Rooneys' career is over (in approximately 2 years) the Manchester United fans will look back on his time with a nostalgic tear in the eye, and few will remember the utter greed the dirty little turncoat bastard displayed during that balmy October in 2010. No wonder the rest of the world hates us when we have little gits like him representing us on the world stage, swearing at the ref or getting sent off.

Moving onto dead people. A controversial topic being that it is considered insensitive to speak ill of the dead. But then people run Hitler down all the time, and he's pretty much dead, unless he's a cyborg who is biding his time in his secret base on the moon. One such example is the Deceased and Disgraced Big Brother 'star' Jade Goody, who went from social pariah to 'princess of hearts' and all she had to do was die. The foul-mouthed, arrogant, idiotic, argumentative bully was finally exposed on Celebrity Big Brother, but in truth she had been vile for years. She can be witnessed bullying contestants on her first stint in Big Brother and some other piece of shit on Channel 5. On the original Big Brother she was public enemy #1 until Channel 4 - so worried by the repercussions that her exit from the house would trigger - started to constructively edit her to be a loveable idiot as opposed to a vile one.

Yes she got cancer and cancer is a terrible thing. A terrible thing that roughly one third of us will have at some point in our lives (normally at the end) so there is nothing at all remarkable about a celebrity having it. Patrick Swayze had it. But then he came across as a decent human being who also had talent and therefore a right to be celebrated and remembered. He also didn't have cameras hovering around him as bits of his hair fell out or go through with a tokenistic wedding ceremony and as far as I know he didn't profit from his illness in any way. He lived his life as a decent man and he died a decent man, with his dignity intact. Jade never possessed dignity - living her life in front of the camera as an ignorant and nasty piece of work, her thin veil of goofiness exposed every time she disagreed with someone. Lest we forget her exploitation of cheap Indian labour to manufacture her pungent perfume twinned with her utter contempt for the inhabitants of the country, laid bare when she repeatedly abused a fellow Celebrity Big Brother contestant, branding her 'Shilpa Poppadum' and 'Shilpa Fuckawalla' amongst a retinue of other witty put-downs.

Somehow, a woman who encompassed all that is wrong with this country was championed. As we slide down the international league tables for standard of living and education, as we continue to recruit from abroad because people here are too bloody thick or bone idle to contribute to our society, as more and more irresponsible people continually procreate and thus perpetuate and grow the cycle of mediocrity, as the people who actually work and contribute to society become increasingly outnumbered by the dull-witted and unemployed, we should remember who we idolise and why we choose to do so. We're supposed to look up to Idols, not down on them. We're supposed to celebrate and nurture talent, diversity, excellence and ingenuity, not the opposite. And death should not redefine who we are or our accomplishments (or lack of them)

The headlines following her death were hilariously hyperbolic, such was the warmness with which she was suddenly regarded. The tabloids who had called for her head several times were fawning in their tributes to this great, great woman, who achieved nothing more than reducing the National average I.Q. There were hordes of fat, low-functioning women pushing their prams on a pilgrimage to Bermondsey to pay their last respects to their fallen hero.The England flags at BNP H.Q. were flown at half-mast. Chip wrappers blew across the road in eerie silence; perhaps a reminder of Jade's favourite dish. Britain was wounded; its heart ripped out by this tragic loss. Saint Jade was born.

Stop fannying around and just get to the point

In England, we like to pride ourselves on being polite. Surrounded by barbarians, Celts and the French, it is considered to be the last bastion of our once glorious and relentlessly cruel empire. With this in mind, several expressions exist which serve to smooth the passage of conversation, or to warn of an impending controversial opinion. I despise these expressions. they fill me with rage. For those of you who are not in England (sucks to be you) the following article may have no relevance. So you can all go if you want. Right, now they are gone, I will continue. Annoying and pointless conversation starters below.

I'm not being funny, but... 

Anyone who says this is incapable of being funny. They have never told a joke, or made a quip that anyone but themselves have laughed at. They find horrible, sick jokes and text them to their mates and this is what they think is funny. It's such a stupid expression. It is almost always followed up by a horribly sweeping and prejudiced statement.

At the end of the day... 

Apparently statements have more weight if said at the end of the day. Magical fairies ensure that the words are carried to the pixie god as dusk unfurls its spindly fingers across the landscape. Best when followed up by an insult. A classic would be, 'at the end of the day, you're talking bollocks.' So I guess anything that is said at a particular time of day can be dismissed as poppycock. Does anyone know what time the 'end of the day' is, and how long that state is in force before 'the beginning of the night' is more appropriate?

A lovely example of the natives using this expression can be found here

To be honest... 

If you don't prefix what you're saying with this disclaimer are you lying to me? Am I to discount everything you have ever said to me? Is that really even your name? Are you sure that it happens to all guys once in a while? Is it a good size? Now I just don't know.

To be fair...

Normally followed up by something very unfair. Classic usage: Saint Jade Goody's moronic other half towards unjustly bullied Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty: "To be fair, she's a wanker" Shilpa's crime was apparently being Indian and not talking like a horrendous fishwife. People who use this expression don't know what fair is. You could probably find footage of this somewhere but I couldn't be bothered. Look for something like vile racist bully Jade Goody Celebrity Big Brother and you should find it. Lest we forget what a lovely woman she was. (R.I.P.)

If you ask/aks me... 

Did I ask/aks you? I either did or didn't. Did I just say to you, can I ask/aks you about this really interesting subject, and can I have your no doubt incisive and intelligent response to it? Or did I not ask/aks you and you are volunteering it? Either way, you know whether I asked/aksed you, don't you. So stop it.

Can I just interrupt you there...

You just did, so thanks for that. You said those words and stopped me speaking, so you did interrupt me. But at least you had the common courtesy to ask, albeit a bit late. I might eat your sandwich. And then say to you, in a patronising tone, Can I eat your sandwich? Maybe I'll ask you if I can burn down your village and rape your women, after burning down your village and raping your women. But at least you can't say I didn't ask.