Global warming is broken
Nora, it's cold today. What's it all about? It just annoys me actually. Am I just getting old? I seem to remember being a child and playing out in the cold weather, the snow, falling over and generally having the time of my life, however sad that that is. I can't remember when I started to feel the cold. Perhaps I'm ill. I put all my various layers on, yet when I step outside I feel like there are legions of small daggers poking into me. Then I get into the warm and my hands and face feel like they're burning. I might try to hibernate. I had a beard last week, which my Wife decided made my face look fat so I got rid of it. Now my poor chin feels numb. And my ears, well I haven't had any feeling in them for days. It's not even below zero yet. I feel sorry for those Siberians. What really irks me is that the Greenhouse effect, whilst making a great deal of places hotter, will just flood England and make it a lot colder. Stupid gulf stream. I might just start pouring table salt into the gulf to keep it going. I could probably buy some salt in bulk from Netto, if it wasn't so cold. I hate using the scraper on the car in the morning. All the ice from the windows falls onto your hands and makes them cold. Then you have to grip the freezing steering wheel, and wait a good 5 minutes for the car to get warm enough to sustain carbon-based life. Then after 1 minute of a quite pleasant temperature the interior becomes hotter than the great Satan's ringpiece. Then you have to go outside and you explode into a mass of bloody crystals because the temperature change is too extreme, like at the end of Alien 3. Apologies if you haven't seen Alien 3, but don't worry because it is poo, and I have just saved you 2 hours of your life. I suppose that the one upside of cold weather is Christmas, but then you have to go shopping which involves being outside, at least whilst in transit, and you have to spend money on people other than yourself. I vote that we commission Center Parcs to build a giant Biosphere over England (apart from Peckham, the smell would be unbearable) and then we could wear ill-fitting bermuda shorts and Ironic T-Shirts all year round. Cold weather also restricts me from employing the use of paragraphs or writing anything that makes sense. Sorry. In fact, If you haven't read this article then don't read it. It's shit.