Stop fannying around and just get to the point

In England, we like to pride ourselves on being polite. Surrounded by barbarians, Celts and the French, it is considered to be the last bastion of our once glorious and relentlessly cruel empire. With this in mind, several expressions exist which serve to smooth the passage of conversation, or to warn of an impending controversial opinion. I despise these expressions. they fill me with rage. For those of you who are not in England (sucks to be you) the following article may have no relevance. So you can all go if you want. Right, now they are gone, I will continue. Annoying and pointless conversation starters below.

I'm not being funny, but... 

Anyone who says this is incapable of being funny. They have never told a joke, or made a quip that anyone but themselves have laughed at. They find horrible, sick jokes and text them to their mates and this is what they think is funny. It's such a stupid expression. It is almost always followed up by a horribly sweeping and prejudiced statement.

At the end of the day... 

Apparently statements have more weight if said at the end of the day. Magical fairies ensure that the words are carried to the pixie god as dusk unfurls its spindly fingers across the landscape. Best when followed up by an insult. A classic would be, 'at the end of the day, you're talking bollocks.' So I guess anything that is said at a particular time of day can be dismissed as poppycock. Does anyone know what time the 'end of the day' is, and how long that state is in force before 'the beginning of the night' is more appropriate?

A lovely example of the natives using this expression can be found here

To be honest... 

If you don't prefix what you're saying with this disclaimer are you lying to me? Am I to discount everything you have ever said to me? Is that really even your name? Are you sure that it happens to all guys once in a while? Is it a good size? Now I just don't know.

To be fair...

Normally followed up by something very unfair. Classic usage: Saint Jade Goody's moronic other half towards unjustly bullied Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty: "To be fair, she's a wanker" Shilpa's crime was apparently being Indian and not talking like a horrendous fishwife. People who use this expression don't know what fair is. You could probably find footage of this somewhere but I couldn't be bothered. Look for something like vile racist bully Jade Goody Celebrity Big Brother and you should find it. Lest we forget what a lovely woman she was. (R.I.P.)

If you ask/aks me... 

Did I ask/aks you? I either did or didn't. Did I just say to you, can I ask/aks you about this really interesting subject, and can I have your no doubt incisive and intelligent response to it? Or did I not ask/aks you and you are volunteering it? Either way, you know whether I asked/aksed you, don't you. So stop it.

Can I just interrupt you there...

You just did, so thanks for that. You said those words and stopped me speaking, so you did interrupt me. But at least you had the common courtesy to ask, albeit a bit late. I might eat your sandwich. And then say to you, in a patronising tone, Can I eat your sandwich? Maybe I'll ask you if I can burn down your village and rape your women, after burning down your village and raping your women. But at least you can't say I didn't ask.

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