Christmas is a big, steaming pile of shit

I know at this time of year that I should be full of cheer and putting aside any petty misgivings I have aside, as did those British and German soldiers during the Armistice in World War 1, where they kicked Franz Ferdinand's pickled head around a muddy field for 90 minutes. That they shot each other to pieces mere days later is insignificant. For Christmas is a special time.

But, reams of fat, spoiled little children will be sitting on their plump arses all day long caressing their latest touchscreen bit of tat which will no doubt be lost under the bed by this time next year. The elderly and mental relative who just will not die will soil 'dad's favourite chair'. Everyone else will be in a drunken stupor for the few days where we annually forced to spend time with relatives that we absolutely hate.

Somewhere, we have lost the true meaning of Christmas. The message has been smeared and distorted by our obsession with buying presents, and the huge commercial machine that keeps trundling along, picking up more money along the way. Sales start on Boxing day now instead of January. And a lot of sales even start before Christmas. We need to look at the meaning of Christmas in its purest form, and not be taken in by all the bright lights and fancy decorations that christmas has come to represent.

So let's reflect now, on the true reason for Christmas - domestic violence. There is nothing like being trapped in a house for several alcohol-fuelled days to inspire a good old fashioned bit of spousal fisticuffs. And the best thing is, the bruises will be healed before you have to go back to work! Rejoice! As you are pushed down the stairs. Laugh! as you are kicked in the groin. Be merry! as your teeth leave your mouth and scatter to the ground like little snowflakes.

To celebrate this fantastic British tradition, I have put a new spin on an old classic. I hope you enjoy it. Perhaps you could sing it while you punch your wife or husband repeatedly in the face. Merry Christmas! And remember, no weapons!

On the first day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
  A mouth full of broken teeth!

On the second day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
Two black eyes,
And a mouth full of broken teeth!

On the third day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
Three dead legs,
Two black eyes,
And a mouth full of broken teeth!

On the fourth day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
Four broken toes,
Three dead legs,
Two black eyes,
And a mouth full of broken teeth!

On the fifth day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
Five bro-ken ribs,
Four broken toes,
Three dead legs,
Two black eyes,
And a mouth full of broken teeth!

On the sixth day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
Six broken fingers,
Five bro-ken ribs,
Four broken toes,
Three dead legs,
Two black eyes,
And a mouth full of broken teeth!

On the seventh day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
Seven pints of bloodloss,
Six broken fingers,
Five bro-ken ribs,
Four broken toes,
Three dead legs,
Two black eyes,
And a mouth full of broken teeth! 

On the eighth day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
Eight flying kneedrops,
Seven pints of bloodloss,
Six broken fingers,
Five bro-ken ribs,
Four broken toes,
Three dead legs,
Two black eyes,
And a mouth full of broken teeth! 

On the ninth day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
Nine roundhouse kicks,
Eight flying kneedrops,
Seven pints of bloodloss,
Six broken fingers,
Five bro-ken ribs,
Four broken toes,
Three dead legs,
Two black eyes,
And a mouth full of broken teeth! 

On the tenth day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
Ten spinning backfists,
Nine roundhouse kicks,
Eight flying kneedrops,
Seven pints of bloodloss,
Six broken fingers,
Five bro-ken ribs,
Four broken toes,
Three dead legs,
Two black eyes,
And a mouth full of broken teeth! 

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
Eleven flailing elbows,
Ten spinning backfists,
Nine roundhouse kicks,
Eight flying kneedrops,
Seven pints of bloodloss,
Six broken fingers,
Five bro-ken ribs,
Four broken toes,
Three dead legs,
Two black eyes,
And a mouth full of broken teeth! 

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
my true love gave to me
Twelve knockout blows,
Eleven flailing elbows,
Ten spinning backfists,
Nine roundhouse kicks,
Eight flying kneedrops,
Seven pints of bloodloss,
Six broken fingers,
Five bro-ken ribs,
Four broken toes,
Three dead legs,
Two black eyes,
And a mouth full of broken teeth!

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