The X-Factor is finally over. Woman Eaten by Shark - hilarity ensues

The marketing behemoth known as the X-Factor finally ground to a shuddering halt yesterday, as yet another instantly forgettable male vocalist got his grubby little hands on the coveted prize. Simon Cowell has a new bitch for the next couple of months before he disappears to LA via his own arse for the spring, like a camp migratory Walrus. A thoroughly unremarkable series full of contrived and paper thin caricatures masqueraded as 'artists' is now over, and we must all rebuild the shattered voids that have become our lives.

But the one beacon of light peering through the interminable soup of diarrhoea was the Xtra Factor, where Konnie Huq has been doing her level best to get sacked by Simon Cowell for some months now. Whether it be her wooden delivery, incredibly rude questions or bad taste jokes Huq has at least made one aspect of the X Factor experience entertaining this year. A walking car crash, Huq said on Saturday that the show "had more bite than an Egyptian shark". Cue groans from around the studio as various runners scarpered from the ensuing shitstorm like poorly-paid rats escaping the sinking ship.

Now I guess the shark thing was unfortunate, and when I was in that sea I emerged unscathed (with the exception of a 3rd degree burn across my entire back) but if you have to die (which I understand that you do) then being mashed up by a giant fish with a thousand teeth is as good way to die as any I can think Of. Especially if you are elderly - it is infinitely better than dying in your own piss and shit, slowly slipping away as your brain turns into cheese and all your faculties go the same way as Lindsay Lohan's career. Much better to have your limbs ripped off and tossed into the air like people used to do with their mortarboards when they could afford university, ha ha ha!

As something of an aside, regarding the student 'protesters' who keep smashing up London, I hope the Police kick the shit out of all of you. If you spent less time commuting into London from your ivory towers in the suburbs - defiling war heroes and jabbing stupid members of the royal family with pointy sticks - and more time actually researching what and when you may actually have to pay after your degree is finished then perhaps these ugly scenes could be avoided. But as it stands, I hope that those silver spoons are knocked out of your mouths along with all of your teeth, you weak chinned 6th form politicians. The police should start using rubber bullets and boiling oil on you, you utter cretins.

Back to the point. While I do feel marginally sorry for a woman who probably only had 10 years left at best being eaten, there is still a positive to be taken from her death. How refreshing is it to have someone going to a middle eastern country and not meeting their maker by being robbed, Blown up, beheaded, kidnapped or flogged to death for the cardinal sin of consuming a moderate amount of alcohol, taking a photo or, worst of all, wearing sandals with socks. There's a message in there somewhere. A good old-skool mauling, with none of this political or religious bollocks.

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