iNeed Tech support

Problem: My phone battery is dead and no longer holds a charge of longer than a few minutes. what shall I do?

Solution for any phone or smartphone other than one manufactured by Apple: Buy a new battery for around 20-30 pounds

Solution for iPhone: Send your phone back to Apple for them to insert a new battery, for a cost in excess of 100 pounds. This will also mean that you will not be able to use your phone for this time. Hopefully you will have a non-Apple phone you can use in the meantime. Just be careful trying to remove your simcard in one piece from the ridiculously-designed slot. Or, why not upgrade to a new iPhone? after all, it's unreasonable to expect a piece of technology costing in excess of 400 pounds to work past its second birthday

Problem: Help! I have a new, state-of-the art phone but my calls keep cutting out!

Solution for any phone or smartphone other than one manufactured by Apple: Return the phone, it is faulty.

Solution for iPhone: You are clearly holding the phone wrong, you idiot. But luckily Apple are the best company on earth and will send out a very attractive rubber cover which does nothing to diminish the attractiveness of the phone whatsoever for free! Expect delivery between 6 and 52 weeks.

Problem: I have just bought a mp3 player and I don't know how to get music on it, can you help?

Solution for any mp3 player other than one manufactured by Apple (OK and Sony): Check the settings on the mp3 player and set it's USB mode to 'removable device'. Now, connect the mp3 player to your computer and it will appear as a removable disk. Simply drag and drop whatever files you want into the drive.

Solution for Apple mp3 players: Sorry, but you have to use iTunes. Book a few hours out of your life to install the software and get it synching. Then the device will pretty much do what it wants. You may or may not get the music you actually want onto it. But that's part of the fun!

Problem: My computer is a couple of years old and it's not performing as well as it once did. what shall I do?

Solution for any computer other than one manufactured by Apple: Uninstall unnecessary programs. You may also consider buying additional memory, or even upgrading your processor. This can be done very easily and for a couple of hundred pounds at most

Solution for any computer manufactured by Apple: Chuck it in the bin and buy a new Apple computer for several thousand pounds. Who wants old-generation kit? Plus the new Macs are .03% slimmerer and are shinier than a full moon

Problem: I have an expensive tablet computer. I cannot multitask. What can I do?

Solution for any tablet computer other than one manufactured by Apple: Don't be silly. Of course you can multitask. What idiot would bring something to market that can't multitask, and then have the audacity to charge in excess of 500 pounds for it?

Solution for any tablet computer manufactured by Apple: Multitasking is for squares and PC users, not us creatives, LOL! If you want to do more than one thing at once, buy another iPad! Simples! Or get a software update that offers pretend multitasking.

A poem for Valentine's day

So, Valentines day is here and couples the country over will be sitting opposite each other, cooly contemplating a time when they didn't hate each other's guts as they chew on their overcooked steak as slowly as possible in order to avoid any prolonged or meaningful conversation. Viagra subscriptions go through the roof in mid-February as husbands and boyfriends have to perform their annual duty of dipping their wicks into the ugly, bloated and ancient harpies that they were once proud to have dangling off their arm. Women prepare themselves to be rutted for 5 minutes by a tubby, sweaty manatee by getting sloshed on red wine, thus dying their badly-decayed teeth an even deeper shade of brown.

And for the unlucky ones, all the day signifies is an annual reminder that they are unlovable and ugly; and, a year closer to their graves, which will remain untended and unvisited by anyone except stray dogs who will only go there to copulate or shit. Yes, a kebab and a wank followed by a lengthy session of pitiful sobbing is all the singletons of our fair isle have to look forward to tonight. But wait! If you are single then perhaps it is time to find someone who doesn't make you retch upon seeing them naked and that you don't utterly hate on first meeting to spend the rest of your short and miserable life with, and your best bet is probably going to be online dating!

But online dating is tricky, too. Because people lie. Well, by people, I mean women. Sure, men lie too, but only about inconsequential things like whether or not they are serial killers, paedophiles, rapists, or, worst of all, married. But women lie about all kinds of stuff. But they are creative with it, using flowery words to mask something far more pedestrian. Below is a little poem I have written (because poems are romantic) to warn of the perils of lying and to assist the ladies in bagging their dream man!*

Online dating - what NOT to write!!!

Curvy? Means fat
Athletic? Chest is flat
Intellectual? A bore
Liberal? A whore
Outdoorsy? Doesn't wash
Sophisticated? Wants dosh
Classy? Or old
Mature? Yes, like mould

Political? Has dreadlocks
Chilled? Wears bedsocks
Naturist? Just hairy
Assertive? Means lairy
Modern? Can't cook
Girly? Never read a book
Cuddly? Morbidly obese
Careworn? Has no teeth

Tall? Lanky
Cheeky? No, skanky
Delicate? Or lazy
Outspoken? Just crazy
Bootylicious? Massive arse
Young mum? Bottom of the class
Cultured? A snob
Film Buff? A slob

Sporty? You are gay
Quiet? Nothing to say
Chatty? What a surprise
Inventive? Purveyor of lies
Petite? Legs are stumpy
Voluptuous? Lumpy
Serious? No, grumpy
Average? Means dumpy

There are plenty of men who are desperate enough
To get even a sniff of your underused chuff
So that all this lying is a waste of time
Just be honest and you will be fine
By 'fine' I mean fucked, because let's be truthful
You're average and boring and no longer youthful
But drop your standards and keep up the whoring
And you'll find someone who might make dying less boring.

*Nightmares count as dreams too

Internet things that get ruined

The joys of the Internet. From the very early days of patiently waiting to download a single image that may or may not contain hardcore porn (the thumbnails were too small to tell) to the modern era of simultaneously viewing 10 different hardcore porn videos across multiple tabs and webpages, while torrenting DVD rips of hardcore porn. Although 95% of the Internet is made of hardcore porn, there are some things on the Internet that are not hardcore porn.

Of the 5% of things that aren't hardcore porn, there are some things that are actually funny, either intentionally or otherwise. This is always very welcome, as sometimes it is possible to get fed up of hardcore porn. Unfortunately, in some cases, things that were funny, or interesting or both, get distorted by later attempts from that same person to somehow capitalise on that funniness, or in other cases the funny thing is hijacked by someone else and made not funny anymore. It is at this point that Internet things get ruined. Then it's back to the hardcore porn. Below are some examples of things that were good but then were subsequently killed.

The Insanity Test

This did the rounds in the early 2000's and was very funny. If you like you can try it now, and see if you are able to resist laughing.

http://www.tekzoned.com/instest/

Unfortunately this was ruined forever when the Crazy Frog ringtone came into being. This was followed by a string of terrible songs and videos. The Crazy frog in question holds the dubious honour of not only ruining a very funny Internet viral forevermore, but also tarnishing the good name of Axel F. Also, whoever designed the frog was a sicko, seeing fit to endow it with a penis. I'm sure frogs don't have visible genitalia. But then again, they don't ride invisible motorbikes either.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k85mRPqvMbE

Numa Numa guy

The original numa numa video was a smash hit on Youtube. A fat guy throwing his hands up in the air to a camp eurodisco classic never gets old. I'm sure you've seen it. But if you're Amish or something visit the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60og9gwKh1o&feature=related

An insane amount of people have seen this video. However,Gary Brolsma, the most famous fat person since Notorious B.I.G., decided to follow it up with a truly insipid sequel. Unfortunately, when things are unintentionally funny, they can't generally be replicated and this is the root of the problem. The general public can't help but be cynical when people try to restage happy accidents. See the sequel below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gg5LOd_Zus&feature=channel

Leave Britney Alone

The last thing that the stumpy-legged lunatic Britney Spears needed after her mental breakdown was for a fan of hers to go on youtube and proceed to have their own mental breakdown. Androgynous Britney sycophant Chris Crocker rose to notoriety after the video below was published.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHmvkRoEowc

He has since gone on to publish dozens of other videos, none of which have have scaled the 'heights' of the deranged defence of Britney. He now wears his hair long, thinks he's something of a spokesperson for transgender people and has a tragically bad song available on iTunes.

Maddox

http://maddox.xmission.com/

If you're gay like me then you have probably watched 'The Wizard of Oz'. There's a bit in the aformentioned film where the all-powerful wizard is revealed to be a timid little man in a booth. Maddox's similar unveiling can be seen below, where he rehashes old articles from his website and makes them more sanitised and less funny.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JBiQE4hjOsk&feature=player_embedded

Singing, USA style

The Americans are truly pioneers of the whole goddamn world. That's probably why those nasty Arab types hate them so much. Without the Americans we would never have witnessed mad Christians, Jerry Springer, Fat people, Men in cowboy hats saying 'Yee-ha!', High fructose corn syrup, quality assassinations, the Klu Klux Klan, MTV and a whole host of other great things which we in Britain openly embrace today. Yet far from resting on their laurels, the Americans are STILL coming up with exciting new advancements which we, their paler, slimmer and less mentally deficient cousins can learn from. If you happen to be holidaying in the USA, why not take a trip to your local 'Football' stadium and be upstanding for their National anthem.

Now we all know the USA national anthem, as we have all had to sit through at least one pile of patriotic tosh where it has been tearfully rendered. So, then, imagine your surprise when the song being sung is barely recognisable. This can all be attributed to the neon-brace wearing chubby teenage girl with delusions of grandeur who is singing the anthem. You see, any precocious American teenage girl worth her salt wants to be the next Britney Spears, and one way of doing that is to get hawked around various malls by their forty-something mother (replete with massive fringe) who will inflict their offspring on the public by any means necessary.

The offshoot of this is that EVERYONE in the USA thinks Mariah Carey has the best voice, ever. And we all know that Ms. Carey will not sing one note when 12 will do. All of the spoilt brats take this on, and try to out-sing their peers by warbling as much as possible. Let's take the opening lines of 'The Star-Spangled Banner' as an example:

Foreign (wrong) way of singing

O say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hail'd at the twilight's last gleaming?

American (godly) way of singing

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooh Sayayayayayayyyyyyyyyyyy, caaahahan you Seeeeeeeheheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh dawn's early Lihihihiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiightttttttttt,
What sohohohoooooooooooooooooooo proudly weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, Hail'd at Twihihiiiiiiiiiiiiiiihilight's last Gleaming,

It is also mandatory that the National anthem last at least 3 hours, which is incidentally one tenth of the length of an average 'World' series baseball game.

You may be thinking, at this point, 'How does this all affect me?' Well I shall tell you. If you are unfortunate enough to sit through 'The X-Factor' or similar then you will have probably heard a fair amount of over-singing, and that's on THESE SHORES. Even the MEN are up to it. The day will soon come when you sit down to watch a REAL football game, only to be greeted by a Charlotte Church wannabe belting out 'God Save The Queen'. So think on.