iNeed Tech support

Problem: My phone battery is dead and no longer holds a charge of longer than a few minutes. what shall I do?

Solution for any phone or smartphone other than one manufactured by Apple: Buy a new battery for around 20-30 pounds

Solution for iPhone: Send your phone back to Apple for them to insert a new battery, for a cost in excess of 100 pounds. This will also mean that you will not be able to use your phone for this time. Hopefully you will have a non-Apple phone you can use in the meantime. Just be careful trying to remove your simcard in one piece from the ridiculously-designed slot. Or, why not upgrade to a new iPhone? after all, it's unreasonable to expect a piece of technology costing in excess of 400 pounds to work past its second birthday

Problem: Help! I have a new, state-of-the art phone but my calls keep cutting out!

Solution for any phone or smartphone other than one manufactured by Apple: Return the phone, it is faulty.

Solution for iPhone: You are clearly holding the phone wrong, you idiot. But luckily Apple are the best company on earth and will send out a very attractive rubber cover which does nothing to diminish the attractiveness of the phone whatsoever for free! Expect delivery between 6 and 52 weeks.

Problem: I have just bought a mp3 player and I don't know how to get music on it, can you help?

Solution for any mp3 player other than one manufactured by Apple (OK and Sony): Check the settings on the mp3 player and set it's USB mode to 'removable device'. Now, connect the mp3 player to your computer and it will appear as a removable disk. Simply drag and drop whatever files you want into the drive.

Solution for Apple mp3 players: Sorry, but you have to use iTunes. Book a few hours out of your life to install the software and get it synching. Then the device will pretty much do what it wants. You may or may not get the music you actually want onto it. But that's part of the fun!

Problem: My computer is a couple of years old and it's not performing as well as it once did. what shall I do?

Solution for any computer other than one manufactured by Apple: Uninstall unnecessary programs. You may also consider buying additional memory, or even upgrading your processor. This can be done very easily and for a couple of hundred pounds at most

Solution for any computer manufactured by Apple: Chuck it in the bin and buy a new Apple computer for several thousand pounds. Who wants old-generation kit? Plus the new Macs are .03% slimmerer and are shinier than a full moon

Problem: I have an expensive tablet computer. I cannot multitask. What can I do?

Solution for any tablet computer other than one manufactured by Apple: Don't be silly. Of course you can multitask. What idiot would bring something to market that can't multitask, and then have the audacity to charge in excess of 500 pounds for it?

Solution for any tablet computer manufactured by Apple: Multitasking is for squares and PC users, not us creatives, LOL! If you want to do more than one thing at once, buy another iPad! Simples! Or get a software update that offers pretend multitasking.


  1. had my iphone for years. batt is fine.

  2. Funny -