A poem for Valentine's day

So, Valentines day is here and couples the country over will be sitting opposite each other, cooly contemplating a time when they didn't hate each other's guts as they chew on their overcooked steak as slowly as possible in order to avoid any prolonged or meaningful conversation. Viagra subscriptions go through the roof in mid-February as husbands and boyfriends have to perform their annual duty of dipping their wicks into the ugly, bloated and ancient harpies that they were once proud to have dangling off their arm. Women prepare themselves to be rutted for 5 minutes by a tubby, sweaty manatee by getting sloshed on red wine, thus dying their badly-decayed teeth an even deeper shade of brown.

And for the unlucky ones, all the day signifies is an annual reminder that they are unlovable and ugly; and, a year closer to their graves, which will remain untended and unvisited by anyone except stray dogs who will only go there to copulate or shit. Yes, a kebab and a wank followed by a lengthy session of pitiful sobbing is all the singletons of our fair isle have to look forward to tonight. But wait! If you are single then perhaps it is time to find someone who doesn't make you retch upon seeing them naked and that you don't utterly hate on first meeting to spend the rest of your short and miserable life with, and your best bet is probably going to be online dating!

But online dating is tricky, too. Because people lie. Well, by people, I mean women. Sure, men lie too, but only about inconsequential things like whether or not they are serial killers, paedophiles, rapists, or, worst of all, married. But women lie about all kinds of stuff. But they are creative with it, using flowery words to mask something far more pedestrian. Below is a little poem I have written (because poems are romantic) to warn of the perils of lying and to assist the ladies in bagging their dream man!*

Online dating - what NOT to write!!!

Curvy? Means fat
Athletic? Chest is flat
Intellectual? A bore
Liberal? A whore
Outdoorsy? Doesn't wash
Sophisticated? Wants dosh
Classy? Or old
Mature? Yes, like mould

Political? Has dreadlocks
Chilled? Wears bedsocks
Naturist? Just hairy
Assertive? Means lairy
Modern? Can't cook
Girly? Never read a book
Cuddly? Morbidly obese
Careworn? Has no teeth

Tall? Lanky
Cheeky? No, skanky
Delicate? Or lazy
Outspoken? Just crazy
Bootylicious? Massive arse
Young mum? Bottom of the class
Cultured? A snob
Film Buff? A slob

Sporty? You are gay
Quiet? Nothing to say
Chatty? What a surprise
Inventive? Purveyor of lies
Petite? Legs are stumpy
Voluptuous? Lumpy
Serious? No, grumpy
Average? Means dumpy

There are plenty of men who are desperate enough
To get even a sniff of your underused chuff
So that all this lying is a waste of time
Just be honest and you will be fine
By 'fine' I mean fucked, because let's be truthful
You're average and boring and no longer youthful
But drop your standards and keep up the whoring
And you'll find someone who might make dying less boring.

*Nightmares count as dreams too

1 comment:

  1. Axel, you have issues mate lol.