Singing, USA style

The Americans are truly pioneers of the whole goddamn world. That's probably why those nasty Arab types hate them so much. Without the Americans we would never have witnessed mad Christians, Jerry Springer, Fat people, Men in cowboy hats saying 'Yee-ha!', High fructose corn syrup, quality assassinations, the Klu Klux Klan, MTV and a whole host of other great things which we in Britain openly embrace today. Yet far from resting on their laurels, the Americans are STILL coming up with exciting new advancements which we, their paler, slimmer and less mentally deficient cousins can learn from. If you happen to be holidaying in the USA, why not take a trip to your local 'Football' stadium and be upstanding for their National anthem.

Now we all know the USA national anthem, as we have all had to sit through at least one pile of patriotic tosh where it has been tearfully rendered. So, then, imagine your surprise when the song being sung is barely recognisable. This can all be attributed to the neon-brace wearing chubby teenage girl with delusions of grandeur who is singing the anthem. You see, any precocious American teenage girl worth her salt wants to be the next Britney Spears, and one way of doing that is to get hawked around various malls by their forty-something mother (replete with massive fringe) who will inflict their offspring on the public by any means necessary.

The offshoot of this is that EVERYONE in the USA thinks Mariah Carey has the best voice, ever. And we all know that Ms. Carey will not sing one note when 12 will do. All of the spoilt brats take this on, and try to out-sing their peers by warbling as much as possible. Let's take the opening lines of 'The Star-Spangled Banner' as an example:

Foreign (wrong) way of singing

O say, can you see, by the dawn's early light,
What so proudly we hail'd at the twilight's last gleaming?

American (godly) way of singing

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooh Sayayayayayayyyyyyyyyyyy, caaahahan you Seeeeeeeheheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh dawn's early Lihihihiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiightttttttttt,
What sohohohoooooooooooooooooooo proudly weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, Hail'd at Twihihiiiiiiiiiiiiiiihilight's last Gleaming,

It is also mandatory that the National anthem last at least 3 hours, which is incidentally one tenth of the length of an average 'World' series baseball game.

You may be thinking, at this point, 'How does this all affect me?' Well I shall tell you. If you are unfortunate enough to sit through 'The X-Factor' or similar then you will have probably heard a fair amount of over-singing, and that's on THESE SHORES. Even the MEN are up to it. The day will soon come when you sit down to watch a REAL football game, only to be greeted by a Charlotte Church wannabe belting out 'God Save The Queen'. So think on.

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