Oh the irony... our buoyant population growth will doom us all.

There are just people everywhere. Literally all over the place. It's outrageous! And cars, too. Double and triple-parked. Parked on grass verges which are also covered in discarded sofas and divan beds. Who the hell still wants a divan bed? Evidently no-one. Bloody people. Stuffing their gormless faces with E numbers and sipping on their 'Grande' Lattes. You can't look anywhere without seeing a person, even in the sky you will probably see a plane. They are all so greedy and self-important and bloody omnipresent.

I went to see the pyramids a few years ago, before Egypt went tits up. But my view of said pyramids was rather obstructed by millions of adolescent mentalists trying to sell me bits of plastic tat. One tried to grab my camera so he could take a photo and charge me 10 pounds. I had to push him off several times as he danced a merry jig of menace and lunacy around me, and shadowed my every move. Dodgy looking older blokes with no teeth tried to get me to perch on their mangy camels for some obscene fee or other. The floor was riddled with broken souvenirs and camel shit. Imagine the ancestors of these loons watching their legacy being surrounded by such chaos - they'd laugh their pampered asses off.

All countries have issues with overcrowding. London, and the surrounding suburbs is overwhelmed, full of scurrying little rats trying to pick bits of partially-digested cheese out of poo. Only crap parts of the UK are deserted, such as Scotland and Wales. London has a higher population than the whole of Scotland. Obviously a mixture of terrible weather, widespread alcoholism and unemployment is not getting the punters in. China has 10 squillion people, and India about a bazillion. All of this is of course unsustainable. Soon there will be no food. No fresh drinking water. So all this hoopla about diminishing oil reserves will pale into insignificance as everyone suddenly realises that there is actually no more food to eat.

The trouble is, that people are living too damn long. In the good old days you were considered to be elderly if you were 40. Now that is the average age of a Croydon grandmother. Epidemics are rubbish and disappointing. I remember when everyone was going to die of the AIDS, Swine flu, Bird flu, Ebola, Mad cow disease, the list goes on. All promising epidemics that unfortunately failed to deliver. In the old days, people with a sniffle would be read their last rites. The Plague, for example, pretty much annihilated half of Europe. Imagine what the population would be like now without it. And then there were 2 world wars which wiped out countless millions. Tragic, of course, but all that kept the human population from exploding to current levels long ago.

So now we're in the shit, all of us. We can go on fashioning our miserable little existence and die of old age, surrounded by our soft furnishings and Playstation 10 games. But in a few generations time our descendents will be dying of starvation, as a result of wars about starvation, or at the paws of our once-beloved pet dogs who will turn feral and rip us all to pieces because they are starving. Property prices will be at a premium, with even the average flat in Croydon costing several thousand pounds. The south of the UK will become so densely populated and built up that it will eventually sink, catapulting the inhabitants of Scotland into the North Sea. It's important to look for any silver lining, no matter how scant a consolation it may be.

In China there will be a bicycle pileup lasting several years, as one feckless chinaman will fall off his bike at an intersection causing the perfect storm of massed buckled wheels. The resulting mass of mashed up bicycles and humans will be visible from space. The entire USA will descend into cannibalism, as the legions of obese people will suddenly be without their genetically-modified cows and instead will eat anything that moves. They will eventually eat each other, until one gargantuan fatty is left, who will then die of a heart attack. Mexico city will spread to encompass all of Mexico and will then be destroyed by a massive earthquake, burying countless valuable Tacos and Burritos under tonnes of poorly-constructed rubble.

You may think this is far-fetched, but it WILL happen* if the human population continues to grow. So, here is my solution to solve the issue:

Control all procreation - this will be achieved by sterilising every female on the planet. The sterilisation is only reversed should the female have a pre-agreed level of income in order to bring up a child. The income level will be adjusted, dependent on the cost of living for where they are situated. After the birth of 2 children, permanent sterilisation is mandatory.

Encourage the gays - no babies, no problem!

Kill the old - All people get until the ripe old age of 60 to live their lives. they are then executed and spared the indignity of losing their health and mental faculties. Their bodies are then used to fertilise future crops. Their possessions are passed onto their children. No more selfish old gits rotting away in massive house while young families have nowhere to live.

Stop all benefits of any kind - If you can't pay, you can't eat. So fuck off and die already you lazy sponging bastard.

*the having no food bit

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