Clean your own feet, you lazy bastards.

Mankind is renowned for being bloody cruel. It's one of the few things we are really brilliant at. No other animal would come up with the concept of torture, for example. Countless cases of genocide, murder and bloody big explosions all point to the fact that when we do eventually wipe each other out, we will not be missed by this planet one jot. Inherently, we are all shits, selfish, greedy, avaricious arse nuggets who either covet what we don't have, or spend our entirely useless lives trudging around London with our dirty hair, protesting about Idon'tknowwhat. So when we're not being cruel, we're just being idiots. It is when cruelty and idiocy collide that we come up with our most potent creations.

Take fish pedicures, for example. There is a beauty salon on my high street which I have never really taken much interest in - although judging by the repugnant specimens that I see exiting it, it is clearly failing at its intended purpose. Frequented by unfeasably orange and lardy women, it looks like a cross between a brothel and purgatory, with the Peroxide dead-eyed chubster behind the counter nonchalantly counting the hours of her miserable little existence away as she tuts and tends to her impeccably manicured nails. Said salon now offers fish pedicures, classily proclaimed by a hand-written sign that looks like it was written upside-down by a monkey. Amazingly it is spelt correctly, with not a misplaced apostrophe in sight, which must be something of a first for hand-written signs.

This is a procedure where daft women release their pongy toes from their Ugg Boots and dip them into a pool of lukewarm water. But in a twist to rival whatever contrived farce Simon Cowell comes up with next, the pool is full of hundreds of fish. Hundreds of justifiably confused fish, who were one minute swimming freely in Asia and the next scooped up, shipped to the UK and deposited into a dingy tub and expected to eat the rough bits from the feet of women who probably have smaller brains than they do. What a life. And the dole-sponging parasites of this country say they have it rough - at least they don't have to nibble feet, although maybe if they did then they'd get their arses off of the dole a bit quicker.

Have we really come to this as a race where we deem it necessary to cleanse our feet at the expense other living creatures? What is wrong with a pumice stone? It does a far more efficient job and doesn't cost any lives, as far as I can tell. Perhaps people are just too fat to reach their toes these days. I'm fairly sure that the average high street beauty salon has absolutely no idea of how to look after fish - they probably think that the fish are only supposed to last for a few days and not several years. I shudder to think what the mortality rates are in that environment. And if we have decided that this casual and entirely unnecessary cruelty is acceptable, why stop at fish?

Let's round up all the stray cats and use them as boots - they will be warmer than Uggs and will make cute noises as you tread their guts into the ground. We could use hamsters to provide cheap and efficient colonic irrigation; let them out once per month for some air. Sellotape puppies to our arses so when we sit down we don't need to grab a cushion first. Smash some monkeys heads in with a brick because we're bored. Set fire to a badger because it looks cool. Or better yet, we can realise that using fish for such a petty reason should stop. Or, even better, replace the fish with Piranha. Piranha Karma.


  1. so you are against keeping the fish alive to eat peoples feet, do you eat fish yourself?

    if you were the fish, what would you prefer ?

  2. People use fish for sustenance = OK
    people use live fish for vanity = not OK

    piss off Andy