Huzzah! Jolly Hockey sticks etc

Finally, some reasons to be cheerful. I'm not a royalist by any stretch and the thought of a carnal union between 2 toffee-nosed gits would normally make me retch, but as it is things have worked out quite nicely with all the holidays and whatnot. So for once, I am in a relatively good mood. Prince William is marrying his sweetheart and has even managed to do so before the last piece of candyfloss sellotaped to his slaphead has been carried off by an opportunistic magpie. Is it royal protocol not to shave one's head? Surely he'd look better with a number 0 or failing that, divert some of the money used by Prince Philip's unicorn hunting parties and get the poor chap some hair plugs. I think we should have a referendum regarding royals and skinheads instead of wasting time on this AV rubbish that no-one understands or wants.

In other good news, It is now possible to immerse your whole big toe in the royal gene pool following 2 subsequent generations of not interbreeding and electing to marry 'commoners' instead. But I really feel that the use of commoner is a misnomer; I'm still waiting for Harry to come home with a velour-tracksuited slag with 6 kids, but I fear that will never happen. The 'rags to riches' stories surrounding Kate Middleton are hilarious. Basically, a very rich girl is about to become richer. It's like a real life Cinderella. The way the papers have harped on about it you wouldn't be surprised if Kate was bought up in a disused crack den, eating dirt and turning tricks to survive. In reality, her poor family who have had to get by on popping to Waitrose in their BMWs will now be able to pop to Harrods in their Ferrari or Helicopter. But in these austere times, where the Queen is forced to sit on actual chairs instead of servants, and has to drink water instead of baby's tears, a lowly Bentley Continental may be all they (we) can afford.

Talking of Kate, how thin is she now? Has her BMI hit minus figures yet? I saw a photo of her legs yesterday and I thought she was a paraplegic, miraculously cured by Jesus, but yet to gain any muscle mass. Or some horrible creepy Russian marionette. Her head is due to fall off any minute, supported as it is by her tiny, withered neck. At least if they have to behead her (is that still allowed)? the Guillotine wouldn't be required. Just push her over, or even blow in her general direction and her head will detach itself. And where does this leave Charles now, and his mangle-faced concubine? The Queen looks determined to live for ever just to spite him and surely popular opinion will deliver Wills and Kate to the throne, where they will spend generations basically doing fuck all and sucking on the teat of the taxpayer in perpetuity like the useless, inbred German parasites they are. But thanks for the holiday!

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