Jonathan Ross has never been funny in his stupid life

There are several myths about things that never were, such as the moon landings being fake, Marylin Manson and Paul from the Wonder Years being the same person, and of course the controversy surrounding Princess Diana. Yes, she DID die her hair. Despite being debunked these myths continue to be believed and recycled by websites and print media regularly. Another popular myth is that Jonathan Ross is, or ever was, funny. Jonathan Ross was never funny. I remember when we was on the telly decades ago. Not funny then, not funny now. Speech impediment, yes. Stupid hair and fat wife and stupidly-named kids, yes. Funny, no. Never.

The whole 'Sachsgate' affair from a few years ago was a tawdry episode. Gordon Sachs, who played one of the most offensive racial stereotypes ever with great aplomb in 'Fawlty Towers' and probably did some other stuff that no-one remembers had a fairly plain granddaughter, who Russell Brand had a bit of the sex with. 'Meh' you might justifiably conclude from that, seeing as Brand was swinging his sword around like it was going out of style at the time. But no - Brand, joined by Jonathan Ross aired the whole thing on radio, in a pre-recorded programme which was then inexplicably aired, despite it not being live. Heads rolled as the fallout was felt across the nation. Famine and disaster were shunted to the middle pages as 'Sachsgate' ran as the main story in all of the dailies. Eventually, Sachsgate ran out of steam as everyone went 'meh' and realised what an avaricious little whore Sach's granddaughter was anyway, soaking up the publicity like a saucer-titted sponge.

What seemingly caused offence to people who should have a lot more to worry about was the fact that Brand and Ross left messages on Sach's phone and were perceived to have bullied him. Brand had to fall on his aforementioned sword and resign. But what was more shocking for me was Ross's complete inability to say anything funny. In the entire transcript of the phonecalls, he tried, bless him, but just couldn't be funny. Like a girl trying to change a tyre, it was pathetic to behold. Brand was ad-libbing poems and songs left right and centre while Ross's sole contribution was to swear (maverick) and provide some 'doo-de-doo's and 'dum's.

This got me thinking about a cover-up that has been going on for years. For some reason, Jonathan Ross is commonly perceived to be funny. So I looked at archive footage of Ross searching for any indication that he has ever been funny, but he never has. He has always been annoying and very loud indeed, and that is about it. He is good at being annoying. Whether he is on Celebrity apprentice, annoyingly talking too much and shouting over the other 'celebrities' or on his sadly defunct show, annoyingly talking too much and shouting over the other 'celebrities' he tends to make being annoying look easy. And that is where the skill lies. It takes a lifetime of practise and dedication to be as annoying as Jonathan Ross.

He looks like a camp Musketeer, with his floppy mop and dirty beard. His suits are annoying, being made out of some shiny material or other, a bit of crushed velvet here and there, Zany! He always talks about the fact he collects comics and he bonds with moron rapper Eminem over it, LOL! He called all his kids really wacky and crazy names, ROFL! In his show he had a band of gays called 'Four Poofs and a Piano', well SLAP MY THIGHS!!! He constantly rocks up to film premieres in London with his obese wife, wearing a purple suit and pointy shoes, OH HOW COOL AND NON-CONFORMIST HE IS! And soooooo funny too. wearing his smug and gormless grin like a badge of honour. He is NOT FUNNY, he is a fucking awful hack who is an embarassment and I would rather my TV licence money was spent on 12-year old rent boys for the execs than being wasted on that stupid waste of space.


  1. Sounds like you too are a bit of an established hack, got to admit though he is shit, just that he represents an upper-middle stratum in the British unfair class-ridden society where he is one of those bits of plankton that inhabits said layer and profits from it, well, he has his market of morons who blindly follow and bellow at his equally empty remarks, just like the empty vessels they are, he is there to feed them, and like you said, he knows how to manipulate and shout loudest just like all those self-serving, self-interested on a power lust and just love dominating, not very intelligent but that's how the market works, a reflection of the makeup of the British psyche, very sad in fact.

    1. That is a very long run-on sentence.

  2. I think you'll find it is Andrew Sachs not Gordon Sachs.