Hide your cakes. The mega fatties are coming!

Now obese people really are awful. They always take up too much room and eat loads of food. They are the nadir of every starving person. And they smell. The worst is when they sit on the train and take about 3 seats. I think its completely unfair and that people should pay for how many seats their posterior requires. And some are so gargantuan that no-one can sit opposite them unless they don't mind cosying up to someone who smells like a corpse. So that's up to 5 TRAIN SEATS for ONLY ONE selfish, self-pitying butterball. Perhaps they should consider whether they should be getting a train to work/McDonalds and that it may be prudent to walk somewhere for a change.

I don't mind mega fatties who convey themselves around without inconveniencing the general public, but they should really be BANNED from trains, and probably cinemas as well. It's generally frowned upon to sit in close proximity with others when you SMELL LIKE A MOULDY SANDWICH. Additionally most cinema seats are too small to accommodate bum arse cheeks of a fatty. And if I wanted a morbidly-obese woman sitting on my lap, I'd go to a brothel in Peckham. In fact, in cinemas, right after the 'Mobile phones' warning, there should be a 'obesity' warning. Something along the lines of "Don't let a wide load ruin your enjoyment. Boo them until they leave". Perhaps they could let the obese watch films during weekdays when the cinema is not busy. Considering that 96% of them are unemployed, It's not like it would be inconvenient.

"Fat's Amazing!" 10 Interesting facts about the obese

1) Obesity was invented by the US military in 1950, to be deployed in military theatres such as Korea and Vietnam. Able to soak up 50% more bullets than their healthy counterparts, they also terrify East Asians thanks to their superficial resemblance to Buddha.

2) In the developing world, poor people are thin. In the developed world, poor people are fat. If ever proof is needed that plentiful food rather than glands is the issue, there it is.

3) Mega fatties smell of ham or cheese, even if they haven't been eating ham or cheese.

4) In the USA, the obese are idolised as role models for the young. They are awarded for their fatness by an appearance in Jerry Springer.

5) Genetecists expect the offspring of obese couples to grow mandibles to assist with faster eating by the 24th century, and to be born without any legs by the 27th.

6) In Texas, 98% of teenagers are obese. The other 2 percent is made up of anorexics, AIDS victims and foreign exchange students.

7) In Scotland, fat people are entitled to free 'King Size' mars bars on the NHS. Scotland is the fattest 'country' in Europe, and has an average mortality rate of 42.

8) Fat women sometimes object to being labelled 'fat'. They instead prefer 'cuddly', 'bubbly' 'larger than life', 'good sense of humour' or 'political'. Try to bear this in mind if you want to have sex with a fat woman.

9) Fatties are generally harmless, unless they think their food is under threat. If they catch you looking, they can build up an impressive head of speed in an effort to run you down. If one charges, your best bet is to run in a zig zag motion, and throw cream cakes to distract it.

10) A British government quota insists that at least 5% of home-grown celebrities are fat. The celebrities currently fulfilling this quota are:
Vanessa Feltz
Michelle McManmountain
Chris Moyles
Dawn French
Sonia off Eastenders (re-entry)
Katy Brand
Jo Brand
The male political correspondant the looks like Jo Brand

My Sports writers' job application

To whom it may concern -

Please see below my commentary on the recent Shellacking Manchester United and the loveable Wayne Rooney received at the hands of Barcelona. Barcelona didn't even have to dive or anything. Can I now have a job as a sports writer, as I can string 2 words together and I am an alcoholic, which is surely qualifies me for The Sun at least. Unfortunately, I do not absolutely adore West Ham or Harry Redknapp. I hope you will still consider me despite this glaring character flaw.

Kind regards,

Bitter Youngish Man

FC Barcelona Vs Manchester United FC Champion's League Final 2011 -live commentary

First Half

Barca turning the screws on the Man U scum now.


It's All about Xavi, no-one can touch him.


Typical hyperbole about Rooney! offside!

Half Time

Keano needs a haircut. Who is brave enough to tell him.

Second Half


So 'home' advantage meant nothing in the end, and why should it, because Man U were away, and they have been terrible away all season. They got taught another footballing lesson tonight by a side who can actually play football and pass and keep possession. It just shows how poor the premier league has been this season if these jokers can win it at a canter.

Hopefully Arsenal, Chelsea, Liverpool and even City will stop them getting an ill deserved 20th title. Anything to stop these charmless mercenaries winning the league again. Their huge debt and their cantankerous old git of a manager perfectly illustrate what is wrong with top flight English football. Well done Barca for deconstructing a thoroughly ordinary and dislikable team. Football salutes you.


A good match. Akin to watching a small child pull the wings off of a fly, cruel at times, but ultimately satisfactory. Anyone else think that Clive Tyldesley should never commentate on another game involving Manchester United? He is too partisan and he sounds like he is going to cry every time UTD cede possession, which is every minute at the moment.

Full Time

I can't believe what I have just seen on the TV. 11 men being raped in a public place for the best part of 90 minutes and what's more, people are cheering. What is wrong with this country?

I saw Leo Messi clutching his arm earlier. He must have hurt it giving Manchester United a spanking.

Now that is class, letting Abidal lift the trophy first. That's why they are the best, they are a TEAM.

I have to admit, that I feel sorry for the Manchester United fans now. That journey back to Surrey will feel like a long one.

What the 2011 FHM '100 sexiest' Poll got wrong

Cowardly mens' wank bible FHM has launched the results of their 100 Sexiest Women in the World 2011 poll. Parts of it make for shocking reading and for that reason I am left with no other recourse but to declare 'shenanigans'. Below are some of the most eyebrow-raising entries which I feel are my duty to take issue with. Call me picky but the people who vote for this list must be insane, blind, or possibly both. Must be all that wanking.

Rihanna (3(!!!))

Apparently the 3rd-sexiest woman on the entire planet, what am I not seeing? Vast thighs and arse, and non-existent breasts. Protuding forehead and chin. Plastic red hair. She looks like an alien and not one of the sexy ones that you want to have sex with.

Megan Fox (4)

The cold eyes of a killer. Plus she has toes where her thumbs should be. But she does hate Michael Bay so maybe I'm being overly harsh.

Kristin Stewart (13)

The most miserable-looking girl on the planet. When will she stop looking like an adolescent goth boy? at 40?

Emily Atack (18)

The space-hopper faced one off 'The Inbetweeners'. For some reason cast as a love interest.You could land a helicopter on her massive head.

Hayden Panettiere (19)

Erm, she's minute, moon-faced, has no breasts, no waist, no hips. I sincerely worry about the character of anyone voting for her. Keep them away from young girls.

Britney Spears (25)

A mangled, shot-to-hell walking car crash, who is by all accounts no longer in control of any aspect of her life. She has a neck bigger than her head and is dead in the eyes. Plus her legs are half the length of her torso.

Jessie J (55)

A Joke, surely. Like when 'Jedi' was chosen in the last Census to make it an official religion. Her face is 6 sizes too big for her head. She looks like a parallel universe Dawn French where eating humungous cakes causes extreme arrogance instead of obesity.

Billie Piper (72)

People have wondered for decades what happened to Shergar the race horse who was famously abducted. Mystery solved - she ended up starring in 'Secret diary of a call girl' on ITV.

Christina Aguilera (86)

Slowly morphing into a witch, her nose now resides in a different area code. Should noses grow like that? Well I suppose if they can shrink like Lady Gaga's...

Christine Bleakley (93)

Bleak are the mornings since her leathery mug was chosen to host 'Daybreak'. Looks like a 50-year-old withered frog with all the charm of one. A reason to sleep until Jeremy Kyle comes on.

Lady Gaga (99)

Looks like a fella. Until recently sported a nose to put Barbra Streisand to shame, which seems to have disappeared. Looks smug all the time since she considers herself to be an artist and not simply a pretentious narcissist.

Ps. last year Kesha or Ke$ha or whatever the fuck she professes to be called was number 94, although she has disappeared off the bottom this year. I guess people have realised that she has the figure of a 46-year-old alcoholic and looks like she smells of spunk. Love you Ke$%^&*"ha!!

Catch me if you McCann

I wish both Kate and Gerry McCann would piss off. I'm so bloody bored about them and their attention-seeking behaviour. Their daughter was taken as a result of some opportunist arsehole rightly surmising that as so-called parents they were too busy socialising with their chums to bother with their kids. They left their very young children unattended in a foreign country in a ground floor apartment with open windows. But what should serve as a word of warning to all parents to not leave their toddlers unattended (Do they really need to be told that?) has instead been hijacked as a mystery of Lord-Lucanesque proportions, embedded in the national Psyche. There is no mystery here. Madeline McCann is in the ground somewhere. That is the painful truth. Kids get abducted, kids die. That is true in 99% of child abduction cases. After 24 hours, forget it. After 3 years? Dream on.

The McCanns have now written a book about 'that fateful night'. Apparently the proceeds will now go to the 'find Madeline' fund. They hope to raise 1 million pounds to achieve this and I wish them good luck in their venture. However, why the UK government is considering spending yet more taxpayer's money in a fruitless search for a likely long-dead child is beyond me. It would make more sense to spend money on recently-abducted children who have more than an infinitesimal chance of being recovered in one piece, but apparently that would be too callous; so those other children are left out of the spotlight, with their parents being less well-off or articulate and are therefore unable to push their agenda as the McCanns have repeatedly done for the best part of 3 years.

So more money and resource will be thrown into this doomed campaign, to rescue this blonde, blue-eyed poster girl for the overindulgent upper-middle classes, the last bastion of Britishness standing firm against the evil foreigners who will pluck your children from their beds, thumbs in mouths, like little cherubs. And if, in an improbable conclusion Madeline is found alive and well, and answering to the name 'Fatima', then the gaggle of posh idiots who think it is acceptable to abandon your children in an unfamiliar environment with minimal security so they can talk about a load of twee bollocks over a bottle of Pinot Grigio or two can continue to be irresponsible arseholes. And the taxpayer can continue to foot the bill for their ineptitude. Moral of the story being, that if you can't be arsed to look after your kids, don't bloody have them. And if you must have them, don't be surprised if things go awry when you leave them to their own fucking devices.

Finally, evil is stopped in its tracks.

So it is now nearly 2 weeks since the PlayStation Network was taken offline, and it is still offline now! That is brilliant. This year is turning out to be a great one with at least 2 things that have made me not feel depressed for a few minutes. I have despised Sony for the last decade so for them to get their just desserts by allowing the most precious commodity of all (their customer's private data) to be stolen is a moment to be savoured. Not only have several million users had their credit card numbers and other information stolen, they have also been unable to go online using their PS3 for anything at all since April 20th. Do not underestimate the impact of this drama. It is huge. Apparently some dirty bearded nob-jockey called Osama Bin Laden was killed the other day but that piece of news pales into insignificance when compared to Sony's unforgivable faux pas.

At the very best, anyone in the UK expecting to alleviate some bank holiday boredom with some online gaming has been completely unable to - and some games can not be played even when not being used online. At the very worst, Sony's stupid and chavvy clientele are having their credit card details sold to Nigerians! What a delicious fuckup! Hopefully Sony will now be sued by every idiotic customer of theirs in the world. Someone needs to put that aged behemoth out if its misery with a well-placed bullet above its left eye and then a double-tap to the chest to make sure. People who have a PlayStation 3 are just weird. I have sincere reservations about any of my friends who have one. What is wrong with them? I think. It's like finding out one of your mates fantasises about young boys. It's just not on.

The PS3 was, for a long time, hugely overpriced and a bit rubbish, with hardly anyone on line. Now it is reasonably priced, still a bit rubbish and now has NO ONE on line. LOL! I can't get enough of that. It is 2011. Sony's mistake would have been inexcusable even in 1996, but in 2011? LOL! A total PR disaster. Even worse than exploding VAIOs, hacked PSP's and all their other shamefully overpriced re-badged Sanyo pieces of tat. BUT TEH PS3 HAS TEH BLU-RAY! The idiots scream, watching the entire Fast and the Furious saga back-to-back while masturbating furiously, sweat and drool dripping from their recessed chins. Big deal. You can enjoy your terrible sequels in HD, congratulations. Just don't expect to play Call Of Duty online for the forseeable future. Hahaha.