Crap films in 3D are still crap

3D is everywhere now. 3D Television sets now cost less than a not-very-good family saloon. Is it correct to still call a television set a television set? It seems to imply something mystical, of arcane property. Imposing and made of wood and valves and diodes and things. It sounds very 1960's, like the wireless, automobile, etc. That's it - I will stop calling it a Television set. I suppose a TV would do, but then type 'TV' into Google and don't be surprised  if you're greeted by a burly, lorry-driving 50-year old man in a pinafore sucking a lollypop. Telly will have to do. It's the least offensive.

Where was I? oh yes, 3D tellies are now affordable and even some people I know have them. And they say that they are good. Great for golf, apparently. I personally think that the threat of instant incineration should a triple bogey be scored would be great for golf, but then it's never appealed to me particularly. I can imagine darts looking reet nice, snooker perhaps, a spot of the old rugger. Unfortunately for those who would tell you different, 3D football isn't that good really. Too far away from the action most of the time to really benefit from the unique medium.

And who really wants to see a bulging vein throb on Wayne Rooney's expanding forehead in 3D, as he mercilessly berates someone who earns one thousandth of his wage for basically doing their job? HD is bad enough. I remember when one of Paul Scholes' balls fell out in the midst of one of his more fruity challenges. That was back in the day when shorts were shorts and Paul Scholes' balls were ginger instead of grey. Thank god that the episode predated 3D and HD; it's just a shame that it didn't predate my having eyesight.

Oops, I digress again. Sorry. It's sunny outside. Anyways so 3D has its applications. Nintendo has released its 3DS handheld console, which is sure to be followed by the 3DS Lite, the 3DSi, 3DS tampon applicator and so on and so forth with a new hardware configuration every 6 months until the creaking Japanese entertainment giant finally uses up all of its good karma generated by the few good games and consoles it made in the late 80's and early 90's and disappears up it's own urethra (like a 'wii' geddit?)

Off topic again! I'm so very apologetic. My point actually is a simple one: All films produced thus far with 3D in mind have been shit. OK so Avatar was a cliched, plagiarised piece of James Cameron ego-fuelled bunkum which happened to look jaw-droppingly (now whose being cliched) amazing. But the other 3D offerings are total rubbish. They are really silly. The angles are so obviously 3D friendly. Instead of composing nice cinematography, everything is suddenly thrust at the viewer for maximum cinematic effect.

"Aargh, the tip of that sword is coming straight at us!" "Oh noes, the elevator! It's going to fall on us!" "Eeek! That car which is on fire and is flying in the air and has Vin Diesel fighting ninja robot tigers in hand-to hand combat is heading right for us!" These are but some of the things you will think when watching 3D films, and then your brain will die, because you have killed it with banal offerings where shit is basically just thrown at you; in an effort to convince yourself that your life is worth living. It isn't. Jaws 3D did that years ago, with the disembodied mouth parts of the improbably large shark flying straight at you. And 3D glasses make you look like an even bigger cunt than you actually are.

On a final note, if you want to see things in 3D, without any glasses (or without permanently ruining your brain as is the case with Nintendo's 3DS) then I have a great tip for you - go outside. There is 3D shit everywhere. save the 10 quid cinema ticket and get a good mate to throw a rock at your face. Don't flinch though, or you will miss the 3D! Unless you are blind in one eye, in which case you are stuck with 2D stuff and probably as bad as racquet sports as me. It sucks to be bad at racquet sports. I'm going for a sleep.


  1. Nah, get a good 3D TV, and you'll realise a well made 3D film is truly awesome. Blue Ray 3D HD truly is a revelation of clarity and previously unknown being there type reality.

    I've just added such a Panasonic 3D Blue Ray player to my new Panasonic Viera NeoPlasma, and watched my first few 3D films today, and I'm in awe. I'm never going back. It's like the DVD revolution all over again, but so much better.

    Not having 3D will be like not having colour in not many years. Be a stick in the mud if you must, but trust me, once you try it, you'll wonder why you ever doubted it.

    Best regards,


  2. p.s. that's not me.