What the 2011 FHM '100 sexiest' Poll got wrong

Cowardly mens' wank bible FHM has launched the results of their 100 Sexiest Women in the World 2011 poll. Parts of it make for shocking reading and for that reason I am left with no other recourse but to declare 'shenanigans'. Below are some of the most eyebrow-raising entries which I feel are my duty to take issue with. Call me picky but the people who vote for this list must be insane, blind, or possibly both. Must be all that wanking.

Rihanna (3(!!!))

Apparently the 3rd-sexiest woman on the entire planet, what am I not seeing? Vast thighs and arse, and non-existent breasts. Protuding forehead and chin. Plastic red hair. She looks like an alien and not one of the sexy ones that you want to have sex with.

Megan Fox (4)

The cold eyes of a killer. Plus she has toes where her thumbs should be. But she does hate Michael Bay so maybe I'm being overly harsh.

Kristin Stewart (13)

The most miserable-looking girl on the planet. When will she stop looking like an adolescent goth boy? at 40?

Emily Atack (18)

The space-hopper faced one off 'The Inbetweeners'. For some reason cast as a love interest.You could land a helicopter on her massive head.

Hayden Panettiere (19)

Erm, she's minute, moon-faced, has no breasts, no waist, no hips. I sincerely worry about the character of anyone voting for her. Keep them away from young girls.

Britney Spears (25)

A mangled, shot-to-hell walking car crash, who is by all accounts no longer in control of any aspect of her life. She has a neck bigger than her head and is dead in the eyes. Plus her legs are half the length of her torso.

Jessie J (55)

A Joke, surely. Like when 'Jedi' was chosen in the last Census to make it an official religion. Her face is 6 sizes too big for her head. She looks like a parallel universe Dawn French where eating humungous cakes causes extreme arrogance instead of obesity.

Billie Piper (72)

People have wondered for decades what happened to Shergar the race horse who was famously abducted. Mystery solved - she ended up starring in 'Secret diary of a call girl' on ITV.

Christina Aguilera (86)

Slowly morphing into a witch, her nose now resides in a different area code. Should noses grow like that? Well I suppose if they can shrink like Lady Gaga's...

Christine Bleakley (93)

Bleak are the mornings since her leathery mug was chosen to host 'Daybreak'. Looks like a 50-year-old withered frog with all the charm of one. A reason to sleep until Jeremy Kyle comes on.

Lady Gaga (99)

Looks like a fella. Until recently sported a nose to put Barbra Streisand to shame, which seems to have disappeared. Looks smug all the time since she considers herself to be an artist and not simply a pretentious narcissist.

Ps. last year Kesha or Ke$ha or whatever the fuck she professes to be called was number 94, although she has disappeared off the bottom this year. I guess people have realised that she has the figure of a 46-year-old alcoholic and looks like she smells of spunk. Love you Ke$%^&*"ha!!

1 comment:

  1. Agree with most of the comments, me thinks rihanna has her moments but number 3 is a stretch. Same for megan fox has her moments but not a 4. I believe christine bleakly again has her moments but never top 100.

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