The cult of the fag hag

There was a film a few years ago featuring Jennifer Aniston, which meant a lot of people didn't watch it. But for those that did, it made the prospect of being blind and deaf positively beneficial. The film was called 'The Object Of My Affection' in which a terminally-typecast squawking Aniston tried to ensnare her male best friend, who happens to be gay. Amazingly enough for a Hollywood film, she doesn't end up with the gay chap, and it's not happy ever after. However there is approximately 2 hours of Aniston pulling out all the stops to 'get her man' (Am I the only man who wishes Aniston would disappear up her own arse? She was shit in friends, and shit in all of the identikit romcoms she has been in. In fact, her best role was in South Park, as at least she wasn't visible.)

There is a point to this - women such as these exist in real life. And seldom are they as aesthetically pleasing as Perennial bridesmaid Ms. Aniston, and that's saying something. Most gay men have some level of female following, and the reasons for this are obvious - gay men make great company. Gay men will a) Not try to shag you, which is what every straight man will be after, regardless of their denials. They will also b) Not look better than you in a dress, unless you are fat and ugly, in which case you shouldn't be wearing a dress. c) Gay men can bitch incessantly, but will not get under your skin like a bitching woman would. d) They know how men work, so are much better at explaining male behaviour than any speculative efforts from one of your drama queen, man-hating, female friends.

In many ways then, a gay man should be the perfect companion for a woman. However, it can all go wrong when the woman falls for the gay man and starts to fantasise about converting them into heterosexuals. Below are some scenarios that cause women to become infatuated with gay men. Are you one of them? Do you fancy any or all of the following. Rupert Everett, George Michael, Will Young, Tom Cruise, John Travolta, David Cameron, Simon Cowell, Dale Winton.

1) Your gay friend has said he loves you. This doesn't mean he wants to shack up with you. Gay men tell women they love them the way that women tell women they love them. It's platonic.

2) Your gay friend is (i)impeccably well-groomed, (ii)wears smart, designer clothes, (iii) goes to they gym regularly and (iv)smells great. It's because he's gay. Straight men are hardly ever all 4 of these, and even if they are it won't last long. That's because straight men have better things to do than grooming, like eating or playing old videogames.

3) Your gay friend likes to touch your knee, cuddle you and so on. Sometimes you get the impression that he is flirting with you. Gay men are tactile in the same way that women are tactile towards each other. He does not fancy you.

In summation, then, pretty much all gay men don't like vaginas, and may even find them repulsive. none of this should be a newsflash. To any women who are infatuated with gay men and are reading this I have the following advice.

1) Treasure your friendship with your gay friend and stop moping. You will NEVER get him.
2) Put on some makeup or something. Then you might attract the attentions of an eligible man.
3) Take some cooking and sewing classes to improve your chances of finding Mr. right.

No comments:

Post a Comment