The only way is Wessex

I've just had a brilliant idea for a new reality show which I'm sure I can get onto ITV6 or something. Kerry Cacktona can narrate it. The royal family are somewhat basking in the glow of popularity at the moment, given the royal wedding and the visit by the Obamas. Obviously having the Obamas visit is by far the bigger event, given that Barack Obama patently HATES the UK because his grandad was a Mau Mau or something. I'm amazed that he was able to not berate something British for a full few days, but then being a 2-FACED CUNT he probably found it easy. And Prince Philip didn't mention spears, cannibalism or Rorke's drift once! Well done Prince Philip!

With this in mind I feel the time is ripe for a 'fly on the wall' documentary about the royals. All the characters are there and the scripts will practically write themselves! Imagine the hilarity as Kate Middleclass and the Pig-faced South African slag that Harry occasionally ruts clash over who will die of anorexia first! William and Harry can exchange good-willed banter while all the time the cameras desperately try to evade the full glare of Will's slaphead and Harry's obvious gingerness and non-resemblance to his supposed full sibling. 'Uncle' James Hewitt can come around and have almost father and son-like conversations with Harry about the most efficient way to have sex with lots of posh women.

Then there are the ugly sisters, played with aplomb by Beatrice and Eugene. They will sneer and cackle as they place a whoopee cushion under Kate's non-existent bum. Although unfortunately their plan won't work because Kate is too light to set a whoopee cushion off. The Queen can cook one of her famous hot pots and then chastise Phillip for trying to steal the hot pot from the kitchen window sill and generally being a massive old racist. Edward and Charles can argue about who looks the most inbred by counting their extra fingers and toes to decide the true winner, but as neither of them can count past 10 a winner is never declared.

Fergie can pop round and beg Andrew for some cake and 10 thousand pounds to get her through the next week, and threaten to say nasty things to Oprah and the massive US audience who inexplicably love her if he refuses to comply. Princess Anne will accidentally be shot to death by one of the Queen's short-sighted slaves after mistaking her for a lame horse and everyone will have a jolly good laugh about it. We can even have the treat of a Christmas Special as they all make their way up to Balmoral in the Range Rover for their monthly holiday and the Queen will accidentally leave Camilla behind! And titter as the feral Scotsmen make a pig's ear of our beautiful language and generally prove themselves to be inferior!

This is the single best idea that I have ever had in my life. Someone should make this shit happen. I should talk to Prince Edward - after all he 'masterminded' the royal 'It's a Knockout' tournament which was massively successful and not at all the single worst idea that anyone has ever had since an idealistic young Chap called Adolf decided to get into politics. And I think Edward had a production company or something until he was declared bankrupt and utterly incompetent for the nth time. Poor Edward.

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