Things that I'd rather be than a traffic warden

I got a parking ticket yesterday for the heinous crime of partially obscuring a dropped kerb (offence 27 apparently) and I'm not happy. I will be writing a 20,000 word appeal which will consist of pages and pages of legal gobledigook which I will copy and paste from all over the internet. Obviously I won't win the appeal but I will at least cost Sutton Council some money reviewing the bloody thing, which makes a change from them always fleecing me. Perhaps they can put my 55 pounds towards fixing some of the potholes which regularly threaten to propel me over my handlebars.

Why do people become traffic wardens? I honestly don't know. It must be one of those professions that people fall into when they are addicted to Heroin and are too unattractive to be a prostitute, and too stupid to become burglars. It got me thinking about things that I would rather do than be a traffic warden and the list is practically endless. But I need to start constructing my rigorous defence of my parking ticket so I will truncate the list somewhat. Plus I can't be arsed today.

Things that I'd rather be than a traffic warden

A snake

A child in a creche run by Fred and Rose West

Rosie O'Donnell's bra

A Hippy

A private detective affiliated with News International

An attractive woman in a locked room full of footballers

Michael Moore's toilet

Andy Murray's armpits after 5 sets

Piers Morgan

A Journalist affiliated with News International

Katy B's Pale tree-trunk legs

Lindsay Lohan's gynaecologist - there are not gloves thick enough

A tea boy affiliated with News International

Chris Moyles's sense of humility - is anything else in the world more neglected?

A Glee fan ('Gleek' apparently)

Anyone affiliated with News International


Any vehicle owned by George Michael



  1. What if a wheelchair needed to cross the road? Thats what the dropped kerb is for, you only think about yourself, you should rename your blog, bitter selfish man!

  2. Yeah I guess Sutton Council will donate the 55 quid to the disabled. Wait, they won't? Besides, the disabled are banned from my estate anyway.