How to fix Facebook

I know that I will never go through with my 'threat' to quit Facebook because unfortunately it has become an indispensable part of life, like telly and mobile phones. But like a beach in the UK littered with used tampons, bottle tops and seaweed Facebook is fatally clogged, with billions of bytes of useless shit splurging out from the seams of its bloated edifice. If I'm not being constantly inundated with automated requests to 'check out this new feature' then I am being subjected to multiple photographs of toddlers and babies. Spotting an adult face in a photo album these days is as rare as a likeable paedophile. Plus there is still no sign of a dislike button. Below is my guide to arrest the decline Facebook is now witnessing as people abandon it in droves.

Add a dislike button

Why? because there is no parity. There is a like button, but no negative equivalent. No dissenting voice. This is bad. Firstly, it encourages borderline lunatics to spout their racist or otherwise dim-witted bile with no facility to express disagreement - so while they might get some 'likes' from their equally deranged friends they have no idea how many people think they are a moron. Their egos become inflated by the 'likes' and they swerve ever closer to militant Nationalism. Secondly, I dislike an awful lot of things, so that feature would be very welcome indeed.

Put a cap on photos of children/babies

Pictures of babies etc should be limited to one per month, per baby. And in my opinion, that is extremely generous. The majority of pictures I see on friends galleries now are pictures of babies, scans of babies not yet born, or big fat bellies (whether a baby is present or not, we're all getting older after all) I actually like babies, but I couldn't eat a whole one. But seriously, isn't posting up hundreds of pictures of your child infringing on their rights? they surely can't give you consent so please stop doing it. Let them decide when they are old enough if they want to be plastered all over the internet.

Otherwise where does this whole thing stop? Timmy's first smile becomes Timmy's first steps etc. What next - Timmy's first puss-ridden pimple? Timmy's first wank? Time was when we would cringe as our parents dug out the family album to embarrass us infront of our new squeezes - now all children growing up will have this gallery of shame forever available for all to see. Why give your child additional reasons to hate you when they inevitably will anyway. And don't be shocked when an image of your child is used to advertise Cigarettes in bangladesh.

Stop changing things

With each update, Facebook get another step away from what was good about it in the first place. It is a total mess now. The photo gallery app is counter-intuitive, buggy and shit. If I access Facebook on my android phone, it crashes my phone. It never used to do that. When I write an update, I expect to press 'Enter' and for my comment to be submitted. Now you have to click on a button. How is that progress? It isn't, except that everyone keeps taking software design cues from Apple despite the fact that apple are a bunch of pretentions nob-ends. Don't even get me started on Windows 7. It took me 2 hours to de-clutter that ugly bitch of an operating system.

Stop ramming new features down our throats

I decided to add an update to Facebook today and the whole page greyed out with the exception of this charming message, which I have extracted below:

Say who you're with

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Use this button to tag people to say who you're with. You can tag anyone. When you (or others) add tags, the people tagged and their friends may see the post too. You can choose to review tags others add to your stuff.

I pressed 'OK', as it was the sole option presented. Then I got another message:

Add location to your posts?

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To easily say where you are, you can add your current city or neighborhood to your posts, or add a specific place. You can turn this on or off at any time.

I pressed 'Don't add Location' because it was the closest available option to 'No thanks, I don't want my house to be burgled'. Then I got another message box:

Control privacy when you post—or after

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Use this to manage who can see and comment on posts you share, including ones with location, if you add it. When you change this setting, it will stay how you set it for future posts until you change it again. Posts (including check-ins) from old mobile Facebook apps will use your new default privacy setting.

Also, we've changed the label for "Everyone" to "Public," but your posts will still reach the same people.
Learn more about what's new - Done

At this point, instead of pressing 'Done', I just killed myself, as it was more fun. But luckily for you, I had the foresight to finish this first. I am dead now. Bye

1 comment:

  1. where is the dislike button for this post?
    haha - only kidding, agree with you wholeheartedly chap!

    keep it up.

    Big Les.