Crap films in 3D are still crap

3D is everywhere now. 3D Television sets now cost less than a not-very-good family saloon. Is it correct to still call a television set a television set? It seems to imply something mystical, of arcane property. Imposing and made of wood and valves and diodes and things. It sounds very 1960's, like the wireless, automobile, etc. That's it - I will stop calling it a Television set. I suppose a TV would do, but then type 'TV' into Google and don't be surprised  if you're greeted by a burly, lorry-driving 50-year old man in a pinafore sucking a lollypop. Telly will have to do. It's the least offensive.

Where was I? oh yes, 3D tellies are now affordable and even some people I know have them. And they say that they are good. Great for golf, apparently. I personally think that the threat of instant incineration should a triple bogey be scored would be great for golf, but then it's never appealed to me particularly. I can imagine darts looking reet nice, snooker perhaps, a spot of the old rugger. Unfortunately for those who would tell you different, 3D football isn't that good really. Too far away from the action most of the time to really benefit from the unique medium.

And who really wants to see a bulging vein throb on Wayne Rooney's expanding forehead in 3D, as he mercilessly berates someone who earns one thousandth of his wage for basically doing their job? HD is bad enough. I remember when one of Paul Scholes' balls fell out in the midst of one of his more fruity challenges. That was back in the day when shorts were shorts and Paul Scholes' balls were ginger instead of grey. Thank god that the episode predated 3D and HD; it's just a shame that it didn't predate my having eyesight.

Oops, I digress again. Sorry. It's sunny outside. Anyways so 3D has its applications. Nintendo has released its 3DS handheld console, which is sure to be followed by the 3DS Lite, the 3DSi, 3DS tampon applicator and so on and so forth with a new hardware configuration every 6 months until the creaking Japanese entertainment giant finally uses up all of its good karma generated by the few good games and consoles it made in the late 80's and early 90's and disappears up it's own urethra (like a 'wii' geddit?)

Off topic again! I'm so very apologetic. My point actually is a simple one: All films produced thus far with 3D in mind have been shit. OK so Avatar was a cliched, plagiarised piece of James Cameron ego-fuelled bunkum which happened to look jaw-droppingly (now whose being cliched) amazing. But the other 3D offerings are total rubbish. They are really silly. The angles are so obviously 3D friendly. Instead of composing nice cinematography, everything is suddenly thrust at the viewer for maximum cinematic effect.

"Aargh, the tip of that sword is coming straight at us!" "Oh noes, the elevator! It's going to fall on us!" "Eeek! That car which is on fire and is flying in the air and has Vin Diesel fighting ninja robot tigers in hand-to hand combat is heading right for us!" These are but some of the things you will think when watching 3D films, and then your brain will die, because you have killed it with banal offerings where shit is basically just thrown at you; in an effort to convince yourself that your life is worth living. It isn't. Jaws 3D did that years ago, with the disembodied mouth parts of the improbably large shark flying straight at you. And 3D glasses make you look like an even bigger cunt than you actually are.

On a final note, if you want to see things in 3D, without any glasses (or without permanently ruining your brain as is the case with Nintendo's 3DS) then I have a great tip for you - go outside. There is 3D shit everywhere. save the 10 quid cinema ticket and get a good mate to throw a rock at your face. Don't flinch though, or you will miss the 3D! Unless you are blind in one eye, in which case you are stuck with 2D stuff and probably as bad as racquet sports as me. It sucks to be bad at racquet sports. I'm going for a sleep.

Serena should be banned from the arena

Serena Williams has again shown her lack of class by threatening an umpire. The umpire's crime? having the audacity to correctly award a point against Serena for issuing a blood-curdling scream while the ball was still in play. Instead of taking this with good grace, Serena decided that a bizarre rant was the best way of expressing her displeasure with the umpire, who she (wrongly) accused of screwing her over before. Thankfully, the end result was that Serena lost the US open final - and not even the famously partizan home crowd could support her latest round of looniness.

Resembling an anabolically-boosted Mike Tyson in an weave, her vast bulk is slowly and inexorably losing muscle and gaining fat as she succumbs to the passage of time. An 8-man poker table can now be safely balanced on her enormous derriere without any chips being disturbed. She could beat the Rock in an arm wrestle whilst simultaneously juggling 2 tractors. Her 'skirts' are specially made out of the material what they use for parachutes and that so that her bulging thighs are contained and the assembled crowds who have innocently turned up to watch some tennis are not struck blind.

And speaking of tennis, we may see more of that in the women's game now that the incredible bulk is past her best. We may even see rallies and things without nearly every service game being won to love by sending huge piledrivers hurtling towards the pulverised grass. No more barbaric screaming will be heard when an inconsequential point is won (or not won, as in the case above) No longer will svelte women be put off playing by the unengaging prospect of a tennis ball travelling at mach 2 shearing off their kneecaps.

Make up your own mind here:

Going to the gym is a stupid and expensive waste of time

This month I finally stop paying for the gym, after having to give 3 months notice to quit the damn thing. Why do organisations routinely get away with making is so easy to join something and so hard to leave? Perhaps I should have defecated on an instructor and they would have terminated my contract with immediate effect. I should have thought about that 3 months ago. But never mind. I went to the gym for the best part of a year, and because I'm completely retarded, it took me that long to realise that is was an expensive, time-consuming piece of shit.

There are loads of fangled machines everywhere that are hard to use and you wonder why they are there. I feel pain in my muscles and I am told by some smartarse "That's because you are using muscles you don't normally use". I am 33. If I haven't used a muscle thus far, chances are that I never will. So I may as well let it atrophy and turn into fat or hopefully disappear altogether. I see enormous meat heads repeatedly lift gigantic weights and I wonder precisely what practical use that will ever have. And the truth is, there are no real reasons to lift weights in the gym, other than to craft yourself a truly silly-looking body.

These men cannot do anything other than lift very heavy weights a few times before practically soiling themselves and throwing the weights onto the floor. For most of their gym session, they are reclining on a sweat-veneered mat while they wait for the veins in their head to go down a bit. They recline like Walruses, comparing biceps and shrivelled penises. If any of them had to run for some reason, they would most probably die. Their movement is limited by huge chunks of sinewy muscle which adorn their creaking bones. Huge veins run in and around their biceps, pumping gallons of steroid-enhanced blood around their bodies every minute. But I do pity these men, even though they have knowingly trapped themselves into a vicious spiral of lifting silly weights all the time so their vast quantities of superfluous muscle do not turn to fat.

My real bugbear is the people who go to the gym but don't exercise at all. In some cases, they are the women who go into the gym and come out fatter. This is because they spend a half hour doing a bit of yoga or what not before going for a good old gossip whilst stuffing their leathery old faces full of cakes. They are stupid and ridiculous but I do feel sorry for them as well, as they are clearly bored and over-privileged housewives who do not have to work, and are too thick to occupy themselves in any way, other than wasting their time talking louder than everyone else so that their inconsequential bullshit stories receive the attention they deserve.

Then you have the portly characters who show up in January and are all but gone in March when they realise that you do actually have to work hard and eat less in order to lose weight. They are the fat wasters you will normally see on 'exercise' bikes, leisurely cycling at 5 miles an hour with zero resistance set. Some of them even bring books with them, as their sedentary lifestyles cannot be without life's comforts, even for an hour or so. When not cycling, their bulbous bodies are instead on the treadmills, walking slower than an arthritic 80-year old who is also dead. They give up after 3 months or just die, and no-one really cares which or mourns their passing.

There are also some very fit people in the gym, but I ask myself why. They gallop away on treadmills for hours at a time. They are focused, their vision fixed ahead. They don't even look at the telly, or stare at the pretty ladies' bums. They run mile after mile or cycle the across counties and back without ever actually moving. And in that sense, they are the oddest of all. Go outside, innit. Things are free out there. You can exercise and actually move at the same time. And you don't have to put up with all the aforementioned people who only actually exist to make your life a misery. When you don't look at them, they cease to exist. And then you are free.

How to fix Facebook

I know that I will never go through with my 'threat' to quit Facebook because unfortunately it has become an indispensable part of life, like telly and mobile phones. But like a beach in the UK littered with used tampons, bottle tops and seaweed Facebook is fatally clogged, with billions of bytes of useless shit splurging out from the seams of its bloated edifice. If I'm not being constantly inundated with automated requests to 'check out this new feature' then I am being subjected to multiple photographs of toddlers and babies. Spotting an adult face in a photo album these days is as rare as a likeable paedophile. Plus there is still no sign of a dislike button. Below is my guide to arrest the decline Facebook is now witnessing as people abandon it in droves.

Add a dislike button

Why? because there is no parity. There is a like button, but no negative equivalent. No dissenting voice. This is bad. Firstly, it encourages borderline lunatics to spout their racist or otherwise dim-witted bile with no facility to express disagreement - so while they might get some 'likes' from their equally deranged friends they have no idea how many people think they are a moron. Their egos become inflated by the 'likes' and they swerve ever closer to militant Nationalism. Secondly, I dislike an awful lot of things, so that feature would be very welcome indeed.

Put a cap on photos of children/babies

Pictures of babies etc should be limited to one per month, per baby. And in my opinion, that is extremely generous. The majority of pictures I see on friends galleries now are pictures of babies, scans of babies not yet born, or big fat bellies (whether a baby is present or not, we're all getting older after all) I actually like babies, but I couldn't eat a whole one. But seriously, isn't posting up hundreds of pictures of your child infringing on their rights? they surely can't give you consent so please stop doing it. Let them decide when they are old enough if they want to be plastered all over the internet.

Otherwise where does this whole thing stop? Timmy's first smile becomes Timmy's first steps etc. What next - Timmy's first puss-ridden pimple? Timmy's first wank? Time was when we would cringe as our parents dug out the family album to embarrass us infront of our new squeezes - now all children growing up will have this gallery of shame forever available for all to see. Why give your child additional reasons to hate you when they inevitably will anyway. And don't be shocked when an image of your child is used to advertise Cigarettes in bangladesh.

Stop changing things

With each update, Facebook get another step away from what was good about it in the first place. It is a total mess now. The photo gallery app is counter-intuitive, buggy and shit. If I access Facebook on my android phone, it crashes my phone. It never used to do that. When I write an update, I expect to press 'Enter' and for my comment to be submitted. Now you have to click on a button. How is that progress? It isn't, except that everyone keeps taking software design cues from Apple despite the fact that apple are a bunch of pretentions nob-ends. Don't even get me started on Windows 7. It took me 2 hours to de-clutter that ugly bitch of an operating system.

Stop ramming new features down our throats

I decided to add an update to Facebook today and the whole page greyed out with the exception of this charming message, which I have extracted below:

Say who you're with

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Use this button to tag people to say who you're with. You can tag anyone. When you (or others) add tags, the people tagged and their friends may see the post too. You can choose to review tags others add to your stuff.

I pressed 'OK', as it was the sole option presented. Then I got another message:

Add location to your posts?

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To easily say where you are, you can add your current city or neighborhood to your posts, or add a specific place. You can turn this on or off at any time.

I pressed 'Don't add Location' because it was the closest available option to 'No thanks, I don't want my house to be burgled'. Then I got another message box:

Control privacy when you post—or after

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Use this to manage who can see and comment on posts you share, including ones with location, if you add it. When you change this setting, it will stay how you set it for future posts until you change it again. Posts (including check-ins) from old mobile Facebook apps will use your new default privacy setting.

Also, we've changed the label for "Everyone" to "Public," but your posts will still reach the same people.
Learn more about what's new - Done

At this point, instead of pressing 'Done', I just killed myself, as it was more fun. But luckily for you, I had the foresight to finish this first. I am dead now. Bye