Going to the gym is a stupid and expensive waste of time

This month I finally stop paying for the gym, after having to give 3 months notice to quit the damn thing. Why do organisations routinely get away with making is so easy to join something and so hard to leave? Perhaps I should have defecated on an instructor and they would have terminated my contract with immediate effect. I should have thought about that 3 months ago. But never mind. I went to the gym for the best part of a year, and because I'm completely retarded, it took me that long to realise that is was an expensive, time-consuming piece of shit.

There are loads of fangled machines everywhere that are hard to use and you wonder why they are there. I feel pain in my muscles and I am told by some smartarse "That's because you are using muscles you don't normally use". I am 33. If I haven't used a muscle thus far, chances are that I never will. So I may as well let it atrophy and turn into fat or hopefully disappear altogether. I see enormous meat heads repeatedly lift gigantic weights and I wonder precisely what practical use that will ever have. And the truth is, there are no real reasons to lift weights in the gym, other than to craft yourself a truly silly-looking body.

These men cannot do anything other than lift very heavy weights a few times before practically soiling themselves and throwing the weights onto the floor. For most of their gym session, they are reclining on a sweat-veneered mat while they wait for the veins in their head to go down a bit. They recline like Walruses, comparing biceps and shrivelled penises. If any of them had to run for some reason, they would most probably die. Their movement is limited by huge chunks of sinewy muscle which adorn their creaking bones. Huge veins run in and around their biceps, pumping gallons of steroid-enhanced blood around their bodies every minute. But I do pity these men, even though they have knowingly trapped themselves into a vicious spiral of lifting silly weights all the time so their vast quantities of superfluous muscle do not turn to fat.

My real bugbear is the people who go to the gym but don't exercise at all. In some cases, they are the women who go into the gym and come out fatter. This is because they spend a half hour doing a bit of yoga or what not before going for a good old gossip whilst stuffing their leathery old faces full of cakes. They are stupid and ridiculous but I do feel sorry for them as well, as they are clearly bored and over-privileged housewives who do not have to work, and are too thick to occupy themselves in any way, other than wasting their time talking louder than everyone else so that their inconsequential bullshit stories receive the attention they deserve.

Then you have the portly characters who show up in January and are all but gone in March when they realise that you do actually have to work hard and eat less in order to lose weight. They are the fat wasters you will normally see on 'exercise' bikes, leisurely cycling at 5 miles an hour with zero resistance set. Some of them even bring books with them, as their sedentary lifestyles cannot be without life's comforts, even for an hour or so. When not cycling, their bulbous bodies are instead on the treadmills, walking slower than an arthritic 80-year old who is also dead. They give up after 3 months or just die, and no-one really cares which or mourns their passing.

There are also some very fit people in the gym, but I ask myself why. They gallop away on treadmills for hours at a time. They are focused, their vision fixed ahead. They don't even look at the telly, or stare at the pretty ladies' bums. They run mile after mile or cycle the across counties and back without ever actually moving. And in that sense, they are the oddest of all. Go outside, innit. Things are free out there. You can exercise and actually move at the same time. And you don't have to put up with all the aforementioned people who only actually exist to make your life a misery. When you don't look at them, they cease to exist. And then you are free.


  1. you were 33 a few years ago... don't lie , Alex !

  2. your feckin lazy