Travellers: My 10 - Point plan for integration, happiness, and well-being

It looks like common sense is finally prevailing and that the thieving, scrounging scum affectionately known as travellers will be evicted from Dale Farm today. Well, some of them. Because of some outright stupidity, only the structures/caravans mentioned explicitly in the order can be removed. Therefore there will still be 2 buildings and 3 caravans left on what is greenbelt land. Although hopefully the assembled protesters will fuck off, who are even more objectionable than the pikey scum they profess to support.

Travellers claim that they are misjudged by people unfairly, that they are an ethnic minority and the persecution they face now is no different than that faced by black and Asian communities over the years. Their right to travel should be protected by constitutional law and they should be treasured instead of vilified, like the Masai Mara in Kenya, or the Native Americans in the USA (Ha!). I wholeheartedly agree, and in order for the travellers to be accepted into British culture, they need only do the following to make the transition from pariahs to saints easier.

1) Travel

Travellers by their nature are a migratory species, turning up in packs in various towns like the littlest hobo, and strangely disappearing again when everything that has not been nailed down has been stolen. The poor travellers in Dale Farm seem to have lost their way in this respect, having occupied it to various degrees since the 1960's.  The government should issue each traveller a long stick and a tablecloth, and allow each traveller to put as many of their possessions in said cloth before hitching the cloth to the stick and sending all the travellers on their merry way with a baton to the face.

2) Stop stealing stuff!

You have to love the cheeky rascals as they scamper about the place, ripping up copper from railway lines or liberating lead tiles from people's roofs! Descending into towns and villages en masse and effectively picking them clean of anything of value before defecating everywhere, the charming traveller will also threaten to kill anyone who objects to them 'exercising their rights'

3) Stop forcing yourselves on young girls!

Nowadays, women are confused by having the freedom to choose a partner and vote, read, etc which is obviously beyond the capabilities of their tiny little minds. There is no sight that brings a nostalgic tear to the eye more than a podgy 17-year old lad with a mullet and string vest forcing himself on a 14-year old girl. And they say romance is dead! Well, not to the traveller, whose courting ritual employs as much sensitivity and grace as their grasp of the English language.

4) Learn to read

Perhaps the issue of theft would be less associated with travellers if any of the men could read. They probably quite innocently steal from building sites, barns, gardens, vehicles and houses because they cannot read the signs saying not to trespass or steal so they can't really be blamed for this one. We should install loudspeakers in our properties which continually spout Irish gibberish at high frequencies to ward them away.

5) Slow down with the old breeding lark

With the exception of domestic violence, the confines of a caravan is a very boring place. Therefore the travellers like to entertain themselves by making the beast with 2 backs bareback all the time, until their caravan is so full of sprogs that the male does not even have room to move his fat arse in a back and forth motion to procreate. This does have the unfortunate effect of producing dozens of ill-mannered, thieving and disgusting feral kids who then each have dozens of ill-mannered, thieving and disgusting feral kids themselves but that's ok, the government can pay, and any misbehaving is the fault of the teachers!

6) Start paying any kind of tax

I know this is controversial but there are some radical schools of thought who believe if you want to be supported by your government and local authority then you have a duty to pay a fee to said government in order to provide healthcare, infrastructure and roads etc. This is generally known as 'tax', and, amazingly most people pay this. Generally a pre-determined percentage of earnings is the way this happens. Although there is an argument that theft should be tax exempt, as generally this is not considered to be a form of employment.

7) Pistols at dawn

Obviously, nothing will ever be quite as elegant a method to resolve a dispute as bare-knuckle boxing but pistol duels have their good points too - for a start, there will be no annoying rematches once said duel has been settled, and everyone's caravan will suddenly feel more spacious, as, every day,  more and more rat-faced thugs will meet their makers.

8) Learn to speak English proper like

As charming as a cockney mashup with a tick Oirish accent is, some people may struggle to understand what's being said. This probably leads to misunderstandings with the locals, which are really needless. If they understood that you merely wanted their car keys and any spare metal you have lying around, they would be much more compliant and you wouldn't have to set your dogs/kids on them.

9) The protesters are not your friends

Look at the protesters who are supposedly supporting you and engage your few firing neurons to divine why they are supporting you. You will find the answer disquieting, and if you listen hard enough you will hear plummy, public school-educated vowels occasionally escaping from their stupid mouths as they try to confuse you with their best cockney accent. These parasites are not your friends. They are a collective of incredibly spoiled little brats with enough money and time on their hands to generally get narked about anything they see as an excuse to get their very gormless faces printed in the papers.

The so-called 'Activists' traipse up and down the country from one dispute to another like the world's most ineffective vigilantes, and, things being what they are, it won't be long before they up sticks and get very angry indeed about something else. Soon, you will be yesterday's news, and then these Etonian fuckwits will return home to mummy and daddy for a jolly good wash, after which they will regale their equally clueless friends about their adventures over a skinny latte. These Che Guevara wannabes are actually your enemy and, seeing as they are barricaded into your cesspool of a caravan site you have the ideal opportunity to kick their heads in with extreme prejudice, then blame the Police. Simples!

10) Go 'Home'

It's not called the 'emerald isle' for nothing. The Irish accent may be there (for some reason) but lots of the younger travellers have never left the shores of Britain. Ireland is so much better than Britain. The accent is similar enough as to not be rendered unintelligable. There is an abundance of unspoilt, greenbelt land just waiting to be covered in tarmac, caravans, faecal matter, and wild children kicking the shit out of each other. Scrap metal grows in fields in abundance in Ireland, so any 'Scrap Metal Reclamation Engineers' would fill their boots there. Every pub you walk into has a shire horse at the bar and the lakes are full of Guinness, and what's more, no-one cares if you steal, because everyone's blind drunk!


  1. Alex - the following three words come to my mind...

    great post son. lets hope they skip back merily down the road adn across the river...
    as always, much love- your No 1 Fan.
    BIG LES!

  2. CHEERS big Les, were it not for you I would not be here today (I'd probably be in Osterley)

    My eternal love,