The ZZZ Factor

After a few weeks of relative banality, (and I use the term 'relative' because, taken in isolation, ALL of the 'X Factor' is banal) The X Factor is finally to go 'live' next week. So this weekend we were treated to two episodes of the Judges houses. Saturday's episode had all the singers perform songs in their entirety, apart from those who were destined to not go through, who instead were allocated 30 seconds of singing which was further intercut with their own pathetic proclamations that they would have no idea how to rebuild their shattered lives if they were not to make it through to the live shows. I really felt for them and I'm sure all the people who are starving or being ethnically cleansed felt for them too.

Everyone cried during the first show. It was amazing. You'd think that the precocious little brats had just lost a parent, such was the depth of their despair of perhaps not getting through. I found this all very difficult as I normally have a couple of people I champion each year - as even I find it difficult to dislike everyone - but I really struggled this year. As it is, I do quite like the scouse hairdresser and one of the girls, who looks like a hybrid of Grace Jones and a hungry hippo. But, nonetheless, I do think that she can sing very well, which I guess is important in a singing competition? She can also do the rapping and whatnot so she's probably trendy or whatever.

The second show spawned no major surprises, with the exception of the Scottish fat mess who bowed out, presumably because it would be very difficult to shift an album with someone so desperately ugly on the front cover. I know that, being a fat lump, things are already against her, but couldn't she at least wash her hair or face? Normally contestants scrub up as they get further into the competition. She looked like she had a superstition that washing or otherwise caring about her appearance would jinx her. The surprise call-up for the girls had to be the one with a hairline that Phil Collins would be proud of. At the end of show 2 she was shown 'made over' and the production staff were obviously concerned about all the stage lights bouncing off her massive forehead so they used a great dollop of her own hair to disguise it.

The 'girls' category is annoying me quite a lot, as it happens. There is the geordie lass who is way too serious and has so much makeup applied it is completely impossible to discern whether she is attractive or not. She must have skin like the dark side of the moon is she really needs all that slap on. And then there is the Irish twit who, to put it kindly, 'polarises opinion'. I hate her already. I really do. It's her awful mop of hair that looks like it hasn't been washed in a decade. Her horrific yellow teeth. Her 'dirty street urchin' attire. Her 'Ooh I don't like to wear shoes' whimsical charm. Her voice that sounds somewhat like the lead singer of the cranberries, if she were forced to sing while being hit repeatedly in the throat with a baseball bat. I FUCKING HATE HER, the doe-eyed fey bitch. Fuck off back to Dale Farm and get evicted already.

The 'boys' category is all a bit 'meh' really. There's the fat scouse lad, who is a bit shouty and fat, the hairdresser scouse lad, who is, to my eternal surprise, quite good AND likeable (so he has no chance of winning), the one with the hat who has a very odd way of singing but might turn out ok and then there is Frankie. Of all the contestants, he is the only one whose name I remember. Frankie Cocockface. Frankie who must have a collapsed lung as he pathetically tries to eke out a song from his rasping little voice box. He is SO BAD at singing he makes Katy Perry sound merely average as opposed to the worst singer to get anywhere near a record deal. And what a dislikable little turd he is too. This 'cheeky chappy' shit has been done to death. If Chewbacca raped Jamie Cullum, this little runt would be the resultant offspring. He has the silliest haircut I have ever seen. I need to sit down.

Louis Walsh has cemented his reputation of being pretty awful by putting through someone in the final throe of AIDS on helium, A soldier who cannot sing (but because he is a human killing machine the dopey public will forgive him of that and get him over half way in the competition) and an oriental lunatic with a Tina Turner fixation. Unfortunately the aforementioned loony had to go back to the zoo with all the other Golden Lion Tamarins (look it up) so instead big bertha from Wales was allowed to fit her huge posterior into the last remaining slot. This is a girl who can't get through a single song without sweating from every pore in her bloated body. She sweats so much because as well as being clinically obese, she also shouts every word as if ordering ham hocks from the local market.

There is one more of Louie's acts but she is such a detestable, attention-seeking CUNT that I refuse to name her here, as I wish not to fuel her ego with more publicity. Suffice to say that I hope the crazy-eyed twat with no earlobes is kicked out sometime before week 3 and becomes universally hated and hounded for the rest of her miserable life. I should talk about the groups but it really isn't worth it. suffice to say that the girl band are destined to be first out. The only thing noteworthy thing to mention about any of the groups is that one of the Essex girls is pregnant. That's right, only one. I will be using the live shows to try and work out which is, and which is just a fat duffer. Any way you look at it, Tulisa is fooked, which can only be a good thing.


  1. I don't know about all that but Jas is certainly a cock end.

  2. Hey Alex,
    great story, split my side, as per usual...
    those essex girls are GR8, i will be routing for them...
    let me know when you find out which one is preggers... ( i am worried now ).

    Also - that fat old builder guy... i have had a few pints with him. top man...
    next year, i say we start a group up and audition together.. what say you?
    we can sing- you can call me Al?

    hope to hear from you soon - your no 1 fan.
    BIG LES.