Newspaper headlines that I hope I see in my lifetime but never will

Jeremy Kyle found beaten to death in a Manchester back alley

Bono ADMITS that he is a pretentious, hypocritical, short-arsed twat

RONAN THE BARBARIAN!!! - Down-and-out ex-boyzone star jailed for beating an old lady to death for her pension book

Jeremy Kyle found eviscerated outside a newsagents in Filey

Kim Kardashian EXCLUSIVE: "I have no discernible talent whatsoever"

Planet of the RAPES!! Sex-mad monkeys rule the roost at Whipsnade Safari Park

England Rugby Team "We are a bunch of fat cloggers who enjoy stripping naked and touching each other's tiny cocks"

DAILY MAIL EXCLUSIVE: We hate all brown people, Eastern Europeans and gays and can't be bothered to mask this fact with sloppy journalism anymore

Jeremy Kyle found beaten to death with rubber dildos in a Warrington sex shop

Carol Vorderman: "Why my eyes are no longer on speaking terms"

RONAN THE LIBRARIAN!!! - Ex-boyzone star eking a living in Macclesfield mobile library

John Terry WORLD EXCLUSIVE: "Even my mum thinks I'm a cunt"

"FAT TAX!" - People to be taxed for every additional Kilo they are overweight

KATIE PRICE MISSING - Feared disappeared up own arsehole

Jeremy Kyle accidentally fired into the moon during routine sound check

RONAN THE SEPTUAGENARIAN!!! - Forgotten ex-boyzone star celebrates his 60th birthday at Wimpy in Buckinghamshire

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