Oh Deer.

I'm one of those people who are as lazy as I can possibly be. If I can't arrive home from work and just mong out on the sofa for at least a good hour then I consider my life too hectic. I could never be one of those people who hotdesk and walk around with their blackberries trying to look important. I love doing nothing. It is the best thing that has ever been invented, even though it is not a thing. Sometimes I just wish I could stay in bed all day doing absolutely nothing worthwhile. It's funny what happens when you get your wish.

As you may know, my pathological hatred of public transport has led me to extreme lengths to avoid it; I bought a car which I don't really need to restore it, then I thought better of it and bought another car which I didn't really need but at least runs and is actually safer than Colonel Gadaffi in a drainage pipe. So now I have 2 cars I don't really need but at least one kind of works so I guess that is ok.

I also decided that cycling to work would be a great idea! So I bought a bike and then it was stolen after 6 weeks. A mere setback! I decided and I went out and bought another bike. I will admit that there are pitfalls to cycling, which include and are surely not limited to the following: Other cyclists, pedestrians, motorists, potholes, nails, rain, wind, snow, humidity, hills and low branches. I can now add one more pitfall to the list, which I like to call megafauna.

For it was megafauna I struck while making my way back from work on that fateful Halloween - a large stag who decided that our fates were to become intertwined by perfectly intersecting my path with his sudden urge to go for a stroll in the road. I was travelling downhill in Richmond Park, which is always a relief after going up lots of hills beforehand. But I was unprepared for how quickly I would run out of momentum as I struck what felt like a huge punchbag made of meat and sailed through the air with all the grace of John Terry doing, well, anything.

Cat-like, I quickly sprung back to my feet to - if need had been - punch the Stag in the face, in case he wanted to fight or do sex on me. Luckily the Stag buggered off pretty sharpish, which was a relief to me as I was feeling even more pathetic and ill-equipped for violence than usual. I ended up having to walk to the nearest hospital in pitch darkness, my stricken bicycle being pushed by even more stricken arms, bleeding profusely from my leg and earning admiring glances from gormless trick-or-treaters who thought I was in costume.

So now I have knackered arms and a bike which has seen better days, with the front wheel looking particularly Dali-esque, but never mind. My injuries meant the rest of the week off of work, which would have been great had I been able to do anything at all. But I couldn't. I had a X-Box sitting there, looking at me accusingly, as I used all my meagre strength to draw the covers up around my face, and tried not to dream of oversized animals acting like improvised speedbumps. "Play me" it begged, suggestively winking and opening its filthy slot to show me Duke Nukem.

I now know that doing nothing is overrated. But, I am back, and reflecting on the inconveniences that not wanting to use public transport have bought to me. And even after all that has happened, I'd still rather get knocked off my bike every other week than spend another second on a train. So I guess I haven't really learnt anything at all. Oh well.


  1. Hey Alex,

    cannot believe this has happened...
    i will light a candle in the forest as a vigil for your return to safe health...
    can i get your address, so i can send you some flowers to feel better?

    i will also go and hunt a stag and skin it for you.
    yours always.

    Big Les.

  2. you are Rock and Roll son. Frankie 'snow nose' Cocoza* has nothing on you! fighting stags. keep the posts coming!

    *I neither know or care how to spell Xfactor trash