New Years Resolutions for 2011 - A Retrospective

I made some pretty bullish claims about what I hoped to achieve during 2011 and predictably enough, I failed in almost every one of them. Share my incompetence in bite-sized chunks of disappointment below...

Hate more people for even pettier reasons - FAIL, HATRED HAS BECOME APATHY, ACCEPTANCE WILL FOLLOW

Kill myself - FAIL, ALTHOUGH I AM ONE YEAR OLDER THUS CLOSER TO DEATH

Hunt down and kill everyone who I have said I hate during 2010 - FAIL, I AM TOO FEEBLE TO KILL ALL BUT THE SMALLEST OF MAMMALS

Stop making silly internet death threats that might be misconstrued by any agencies with too much time on their hands - FAIL, MY BUMHOLE HAS NEVER BEEN THE SAME SINCE

Destroy Sony - FAIL, ALTHOUGH THEY ARE DOING THEIR LEVEL BEST TO KILL THEMSELVES ANYWAY

Burn my eyes out with a rusty poker so that I never have to watch Jools Holland smugly look back over his shoulder as he plays a terrible jazz fusion number with his sycophantic cronies EVER AGAIN - FAIL, I DON'T HAVE AN OPEN FIRE SO THE HOT POKER THING WAS A NON-STARTER

Vow to stop giving any money to TFL on a regular basis, they are all wankers - !!!PASS!!! I MAY HAVE BEEN A VICTIM OF THEFT AND NEARLY KILLED BY A DEER, BUT SO WHAT

Fix my car so it can propel itself with an engine instead of my legs - FAIL. IT IS STILL IN THE GARAGE, CAN SOMEONE STEAL IT FOR ME?

Spend less time with humans and more time with animals - FAIL. ALTHOUGH SOME HUMANS ARE SO FERAL NOW THAT THEY RESEMBLE MONGREL DOGS. BUT I DID GO ON SAFARI THIS YEAR, AND A ZOO AS WELL

Do some gay stuff  - !!!PASS!!! I SPOKE ABOUT MY FEELINGS FOR SEVERAL HOURS IN ALL OF 2011

Build an exoskeleton with loads of missiles and that on it, and then attack Primark - FAIL, SUPERGLUE LET ME DOWN AGAIN

Eat more soup - FAIL, I FORGOT TO BUY ANY

Learn to write joined up - FAIL, I AM EVEN FURTHER REMOVED FROM BEING ABLE TO WRITE SANS KEYBOARD. I AM FOREVER DESTINED TO BE BOTH A SHIT TYPIST AND A SHIT CALLIGRAPHER (AND A SHIT PERSON)

Fart more - FAIL, I FARTED 20% LESS THIS YEAR, MAINLY DUE TO NOT ENOUGH RED MEAT AND BEER

Play more XBox 360 - MASSIVE FAIL. I WAS NEVER GOING TO REALISTICALLY BEAT THE FALLOUT 3 AND GTA IV GLORY DAYS, GIVEN THAT GAMES LIKE 'MODERN WARFARE' AND THOSE KINECT GAMES ARE UTTER TOILET. THANKS FOR TRYING TO MAKE XBOX 360 AS SHIT AS A WII, MICROSOFT!

Merry Pissedmas everyone!

Christianity is dead. No-one who says that they are Christian actually are these days. The standard answer from your average Brit when asked about their own allegiances will be 'Church of England'. They will only say this because of the IRA and because they are retarded. It is laughable that our official religion was made up by a fat philandering cunt who, when it was revealed that the Pope decided not to bless his many carnal unions instead decided to do whatever the fuck he liked and make his own one up. Most people in this country only care about religion if you threaten to make something secular. Like every year, there's this clamour to take the 'Christ' out of 'Christmas' and people who have never been to church suddenly start bleating about 'political correctness gone mad' etc.

People pretend that Christianity is awesome and decry other religions on the grounds that they are barbaric and regressive. Proper Christianity is just mental as other religions. 'Adapt or die' was the mantra of the Catholic, as they rode roughshod over far-flung parts of the world bringing their 'crusades' with them. But Christianity is a total pussy these days. I have more respect for the loonies who still adhere to their batshit crazy religions to the letter - better that than a bunch of marginalised softies pandering to middle class idiots who are only there to get little Jake into the Catholic school around the corner. The church must be well pleased about their schools - it's the only way that they attract anyone into their churches who are not either octogenarian or disabled.

Do people really think about the supposed birth of a jewish baby who probably never existed when Christmas comes around? Or do they think about eating loads of food, getting wasted and arguing with the inlaws. If you are reading this and think the former, then you are a massive liar, or you are a hard liner who should probably not be on the internet with all its temptations in the first place. All the good things about Christmas have nothing to do with Christ, and everything to do with spending time with your friends and family, being nice and getting presents and stuff. The church occasionally whinges about Father Christmas, just because they know that kids would rather have videogames and stuff than mouldy bread and wine.

Let's just call Christmas pissedmas and be done with it. And ban all religion from our shores, because all any of them contribute to society is to present reasons to hate people from other religions. They are all laughable and built on 'faith' which is really a manipulated doctrine forced upon the proletariat to stop them asking tough questions and keep them in line, and it's about time that we all woke up and stopped pandering (or pretending to pander) to them. We should set aside aside our religious differences and instead argue about things that matter like oil and football.

Stop, Look, Pray

There were two prevailing messages which were drummed into kids in the '80's. One was to not talk to or accept sweets from strangers, and especially, never, ever, go and see any puppies for you shall be RAPED and KILLED. The other was being safe when crossing the road. There were numerous campaigns featured during my formative years from the sublime (a cracking egg being used to symbolise a careless child's shattered skull) to the ridiculous (A huge David Prowse accompanied by a R2D2 ripoff who to my tender brain seemed to tick ALL the boxes associated with message #1).

Learning to cross the road was considered to be very important. You might not think so today, given that most teenagers cross the road as slowly and nonchalantly as possible, kissing their teeth and staring at you as your right foot threatens to accidentally mow them down if they don't get the FUCK out of the road, but it used to be drummed into our tiny brains on an hourly basis. Everyone knew the rules - even the special needs kids in school who could barely say their own name knew them. They were like religious commandments. Of the rules, there were three, as I shall now tell thee. STOP, LOOK, AND LISTEN.

STOP - pretty obvious, because just bowling out onto the road like a drunken Mancunian fishwife would inevitably get you flattened by an XR2 racing a Renault 5 turbo. LOOK - because you need to look at things to know that they are there, innit. And laugh as an acne-ridden boy racer stacks their Metro into the nearest bus shelter. And LISTEN. Listen used to be the easiest, which your ears could attest to as a poor 1.3 litre engine was thrashed to 7000 rpm by an aftermarket turbo charger, while being amplified by an exhaust wider than a sewage pipe. Or savour the nostalgic sound of wheel arches crunching into huge alloy wheels as a lowered, fibreglass deathtrap was forced over a speedbump at 70 miles per hour.

Of these, Listening is destined to become a problem. Even Petrol and Diesel Cars are much quieter than they were 20 years ago. Not to mention larger and significantly heavier. Fear the undignified demise awaiting those who insist on using those trendy 'Ear Violator' (TM) headphones - death by electric car. Electric cars are nearly silent - all you can hear emanating from them is a low electric hum coupled with the expletives uttered by the occupants who have just realised that they are down to 2% battery life and face a 12-hour recharge. More and more of these cars are now afflicting our roads, trundling along like the pieces of shit that they are, and this will soon be a very real problem.

One solution proposed to address this issue is to add speakers to the engine bay so that pretend car sounds can be heard, which is fantastic - for as well as having to actually drive the axles and operate all the electrical systems, these retarded cars will have to use their meagre reserves of power to run an extra loud stereo in the bloody bonnet. And why stop with actual car sounds? What if I wanted to make my car sound like a Harrier Jump Jet, or better yet, a constipated walrus? Is there any reasonable argument to suggest that this won't happen? But, for the time being, I urge everyone to be extra vigilant because the silent killer is already on our roads. And having your existence ended by a pious wanker in a glorified milkfloat is perhaps the worst way to die of all.

Leave me alone. I don't want it. Whatever it is. Please. Go away.

I never answer the home phone. I don't know why we bothered getting one. Whenever the home phone rings, it is invariably bad news. It is always someone trying to extract money or free information from me via various means. It will be a gadget that I can't possibly live without. Or perhaps sir would like to throw 2 grand down the drain in exchange for double glazing today? Some shingle for the roof? Whatever it is, I just don't care. I am never, and will never be interested. When pressed, I always answer surveys wrong on purpose, just to render their market research useless. Victory to me!!

I went to America recently and something very disconcerting happened to me. The people who work in the shops talk to you. If you spot them in your way as you approach and deviate they crab walk to intercept you. They act so nice. They ask if you require any help. Then you politely decline. So they inform you of their name and other interesting factoids, along with the fact that they are available should you need assistance for anything at all. Which I suppose is OK. I mean, they're not too in your face. But I find it really creepy and odd. "Leave me strange people!" I think as I embarrassingly spurn their advances. I'd even rather your average British shop worker, chewing gum and sulkily kissing their teeth when you aks them where to find some jeans to try on that don't immediately render you infertile.

If I could be bothered, I 'd do a graph or something but suffice to say that it will show that the more I am hassled the less likely I am to buy something. It could be the best thing ever. If I was a gay porn star and you were selling me an assmaster 3000 hydraulically-actuated dildo for 10 quid I would hang up, simply because I don't like having things shoved down my throat. Boom boom. I can't stand salesmen. I wish they'd go away and die, like Miley Cyrus's career. Boom boom. 

I understand that times are hard. I understand that we are in an economic downturn. But please understand this: If I feel I want or need something, I will, of my own volition, research it. I am fully aware of the existence of loans, double glazing, mortgages, cleaning products and every other piece of tat you are trying to hock. So ask yourself this before you badger someone at home when they are enjoying being LEFT THE FUCK ALONE - have you just invented or are you selling an entirely new product? Something that isn't already common knowledge? Something revolutionary that hasn't been reported or widely advertised or already done a trillion times before? No? Then please feel free to fuck off and LEAVE ME ALONE.

I know that this is a rambling diatribe but I can't really be arsed today. I do realise that good posts should be like a structured story, with a beginning, middle and

I should put this on Trip Advisor

Brighton is a theatre of ruined and forgotten dreams. Full of monstrous buildings erected in the '60's and older buildings which are literally falling down, Brighton is one those places that could be cheaply used if 1984 was ever remade. It's vast, depressing soviet-era sink estates puncture the dull grey skyline full of clouds which mirror the monotone heartbeat of the city. The beach is full of pebbles, each greyer than the other, as if God got bored when creating the seafront and just took a massive dump there instead. Two piers extend from its overcrowded shoreline like jagged daggers in a child's face. One pier is burnt down, and on the point of collapse, while the other should be burnt down, if only to slightly improve the depressing vista of Brighton seafront, frequented as it is by thieving pikeys who pray on the middle-class idiots foolish enough to believe the area to be anything other than an open sewer.

Dishonest, jobless idiots are everywhere - dishonest because instead of keeping to themselves in their bedsits wanking and playing XBox they spend their days being eco-warriors or protesters, spilling out onto the streets with their humourous placards to harass organisations and companies which they perceive to be indicative of the decadent ruination of the west without ever realising that they themselves are the decadent ruination of the west. Moaning about everything for no good reason while lapping up the handouts from the state, these ravenous parasites are a drain on everyone's resources other than their own. Clad in Doc Martens and covered in a thick veneer of dirt, rancid flesh and hair unwashed for months, their faces are constantly set to 'sneer' mode as they regale against anything that doesn't conform to their own selfish expectations.

They want every shop to be an independent co-op, where they can barter and trade for goods with carrots and empty cans of Strongbow. They hate the motor car but are secretly resentful that they can't afford one of their own. They despise whichever government happens to be ruling at any given time but quite happily reap the benefits of their hated, autocratic fascist leaders every 2 weeks when they pick up their dole money. They want everything to be organic and chemical-free but still spend the lion's share of their dole on Booze, drugs and cigarettes. They are lazy and feckless yet pretend that they exist on the periphery of society ostensibly because they are not sheep when the ugly little secret they all contain within is that they know they are too lazy or stupid to be employable. Brighton is awash with these people, strangulated by their odious presence which only pulls the city further down into the doldrums from which it will never rise.

Brighton was probably an OK place to live until the 1960's, when the most selfish generation ever seeded it with listless, illiterate drug addicts and ponces, abandoning morals and any semblance of decency or responsibility along the way. Now, it is stuffed to the brim with feral human scum who pretend to be politically-minded in order to mitigate against their own personal laziness. Like a senile braying donkey, defecating onto it's own leg and a mere shotgun blast away from sweet oblivion, Brighton teeters on the brink; subsidised by all the Londoners who for whatever reason continue to migrate there. None of them realise that it is too late for Brighton - the only thing that can improve it now is to erect a massive grey wall around its perimeter and let the stupid morons fend for their own stupid selves.