Leave me alone. I don't want it. Whatever it is. Please. Go away.

I never answer the home phone. I don't know why we bothered getting one. Whenever the home phone rings, it is invariably bad news. It is always someone trying to extract money or free information from me via various means. It will be a gadget that I can't possibly live without. Or perhaps sir would like to throw 2 grand down the drain in exchange for double glazing today? Some shingle for the roof? Whatever it is, I just don't care. I am never, and will never be interested. When pressed, I always answer surveys wrong on purpose, just to render their market research useless. Victory to me!!

I went to America recently and something very disconcerting happened to me. The people who work in the shops talk to you. If you spot them in your way as you approach and deviate they crab walk to intercept you. They act so nice. They ask if you require any help. Then you politely decline. So they inform you of their name and other interesting factoids, along with the fact that they are available should you need assistance for anything at all. Which I suppose is OK. I mean, they're not too in your face. But I find it really creepy and odd. "Leave me strange people!" I think as I embarrassingly spurn their advances. I'd even rather your average British shop worker, chewing gum and sulkily kissing their teeth when you aks them where to find some jeans to try on that don't immediately render you infertile.

If I could be bothered, I 'd do a graph or something but suffice to say that it will show that the more I am hassled the less likely I am to buy something. It could be the best thing ever. If I was a gay porn star and you were selling me an assmaster 3000 hydraulically-actuated dildo for 10 quid I would hang up, simply because I don't like having things shoved down my throat. Boom boom. I can't stand salesmen. I wish they'd go away and die, like Miley Cyrus's career. Boom boom. 

I understand that times are hard. I understand that we are in an economic downturn. But please understand this: If I feel I want or need something, I will, of my own volition, research it. I am fully aware of the existence of loans, double glazing, mortgages, cleaning products and every other piece of tat you are trying to hock. So ask yourself this before you badger someone at home when they are enjoying being LEFT THE FUCK ALONE - have you just invented or are you selling an entirely new product? Something that isn't already common knowledge? Something revolutionary that hasn't been reported or widely advertised or already done a trillion times before? No? Then please feel free to fuck off and LEAVE ME ALONE.

I know that this is a rambling diatribe but I can't really be arsed today. I do realise that good posts should be like a structured story, with a beginning, middle and


  1. Ohhhh... Love love LOVE IT!!!

    i 100% wholeheartedly agree with you.. i shot my house phone recently, hated people calling me up selling me car insurance! i dont even have a car!!!

    Give me your house number - i work for BT so will stop this for you... honest!
    Your biggest fan - BIG LES!

  2. What do you mean If...

  3. Give me your house number. Thanks, Big Les