New Years Resolutions for 2011 - A Retrospective

I made some pretty bullish claims about what I hoped to achieve during 2011 and predictably enough, I failed in almost every one of them. Share my incompetence in bite-sized chunks of disappointment below...

Hate more people for even pettier reasons - FAIL, HATRED HAS BECOME APATHY, ACCEPTANCE WILL FOLLOW

Kill myself - FAIL, ALTHOUGH I AM ONE YEAR OLDER THUS CLOSER TO DEATH

Hunt down and kill everyone who I have said I hate during 2010 - FAIL, I AM TOO FEEBLE TO KILL ALL BUT THE SMALLEST OF MAMMALS

Stop making silly internet death threats that might be misconstrued by any agencies with too much time on their hands - FAIL, MY BUMHOLE HAS NEVER BEEN THE SAME SINCE

Destroy Sony - FAIL, ALTHOUGH THEY ARE DOING THEIR LEVEL BEST TO KILL THEMSELVES ANYWAY

Burn my eyes out with a rusty poker so that I never have to watch Jools Holland smugly look back over his shoulder as he plays a terrible jazz fusion number with his sycophantic cronies EVER AGAIN - FAIL, I DON'T HAVE AN OPEN FIRE SO THE HOT POKER THING WAS A NON-STARTER

Vow to stop giving any money to TFL on a regular basis, they are all wankers - !!!PASS!!! I MAY HAVE BEEN A VICTIM OF THEFT AND NEARLY KILLED BY A DEER, BUT SO WHAT

Fix my car so it can propel itself with an engine instead of my legs - FAIL. IT IS STILL IN THE GARAGE, CAN SOMEONE STEAL IT FOR ME?

Spend less time with humans and more time with animals - FAIL. ALTHOUGH SOME HUMANS ARE SO FERAL NOW THAT THEY RESEMBLE MONGREL DOGS. BUT I DID GO ON SAFARI THIS YEAR, AND A ZOO AS WELL

Do some gay stuff  - !!!PASS!!! I SPOKE ABOUT MY FEELINGS FOR SEVERAL HOURS IN ALL OF 2011

Build an exoskeleton with loads of missiles and that on it, and then attack Primark - FAIL, SUPERGLUE LET ME DOWN AGAIN

Eat more soup - FAIL, I FORGOT TO BUY ANY

Learn to write joined up - FAIL, I AM EVEN FURTHER REMOVED FROM BEING ABLE TO WRITE SANS KEYBOARD. I AM FOREVER DESTINED TO BE BOTH A SHIT TYPIST AND A SHIT CALLIGRAPHER (AND A SHIT PERSON)

Fart more - FAIL, I FARTED 20% LESS THIS YEAR, MAINLY DUE TO NOT ENOUGH RED MEAT AND BEER

Play more XBox 360 - MASSIVE FAIL. I WAS NEVER GOING TO REALISTICALLY BEAT THE FALLOUT 3 AND GTA IV GLORY DAYS, GIVEN THAT GAMES LIKE 'MODERN WARFARE' AND THOSE KINECT GAMES ARE UTTER TOILET. THANKS FOR TRYING TO MAKE XBOX 360 AS SHIT AS A WII, MICROSOFT!

No comments:

Post a Comment