Stop, Look, Pray

There were two prevailing messages which were drummed into kids in the '80's. One was to not talk to or accept sweets from strangers, and especially, never, ever, go and see any puppies for you shall be RAPED and KILLED. The other was being safe when crossing the road. There were numerous campaigns featured during my formative years from the sublime (a cracking egg being used to symbolise a careless child's shattered skull) to the ridiculous (A huge David Prowse accompanied by a R2D2 ripoff who to my tender brain seemed to tick ALL the boxes associated with message #1).

Learning to cross the road was considered to be very important. You might not think so today, given that most teenagers cross the road as slowly and nonchalantly as possible, kissing their teeth and staring at you as your right foot threatens to accidentally mow them down if they don't get the FUCK out of the road, but it used to be drummed into our tiny brains on an hourly basis. Everyone knew the rules - even the special needs kids in school who could barely say their own name knew them. They were like religious commandments. Of the rules, there were three, as I shall now tell thee. STOP, LOOK, AND LISTEN.

STOP - pretty obvious, because just bowling out onto the road like a drunken Mancunian fishwife would inevitably get you flattened by an XR2 racing a Renault 5 turbo. LOOK - because you need to look at things to know that they are there, innit. And laugh as an acne-ridden boy racer stacks their Metro into the nearest bus shelter. And LISTEN. Listen used to be the easiest, which your ears could attest to as a poor 1.3 litre engine was thrashed to 7000 rpm by an aftermarket turbo charger, while being amplified by an exhaust wider than a sewage pipe. Or savour the nostalgic sound of wheel arches crunching into huge alloy wheels as a lowered, fibreglass deathtrap was forced over a speedbump at 70 miles per hour.

Of these, Listening is destined to become a problem. Even Petrol and Diesel Cars are much quieter than they were 20 years ago. Not to mention larger and significantly heavier. Fear the undignified demise awaiting those who insist on using those trendy 'Ear Violator' (TM) headphones - death by electric car. Electric cars are nearly silent - all you can hear emanating from them is a low electric hum coupled with the expletives uttered by the occupants who have just realised that they are down to 2% battery life and face a 12-hour recharge. More and more of these cars are now afflicting our roads, trundling along like the pieces of shit that they are, and this will soon be a very real problem.

One solution proposed to address this issue is to add speakers to the engine bay so that pretend car sounds can be heard, which is fantastic - for as well as having to actually drive the axles and operate all the electrical systems, these retarded cars will have to use their meagre reserves of power to run an extra loud stereo in the bloody bonnet. And why stop with actual car sounds? What if I wanted to make my car sound like a Harrier Jump Jet, or better yet, a constipated walrus? Is there any reasonable argument to suggest that this won't happen? But, for the time being, I urge everyone to be extra vigilant because the silent killer is already on our roads. And having your existence ended by a pious wanker in a glorified milkfloat is perhaps the worst way to die of all.


  1. Hi, this made me RAOFL ( roll all over floor laughing...
    was very LOL. haha...
    just a heads up, i always stop look and listen...
    the other week i had to reverse to run over the yoots properly...

    so... i have a Renault 5 GT turbo as it turrns out... Fancy going for a spin ?

  2. Oh come on. Where's the xmas rant. I am checking hourly... you gotta hate xmas bitter youngish man !