Bye Scotland, don't let the door hit your arse on the way out


It appears that we are moving closer to the very real prospect of an independent Scotland, and I have seen lots of pictures of the Union Flag sans the nice blue background and I must say that it looks a bit rubbish. Other than this, I am struggling for any reason why we shouldn't help them on their way. I would even go so far as to cut Scotland off of mainland Britain with a massive laser and let the miserable buggers float up to Antarctica.

For me, in order for any relationship to work, there has to be give and take. And by give and take, I mean some sort of mutually-beneficial arrangement, not England giving Scotland loads of money, and Scotland taking the massive piss. Generally, the Scots hate the English, and this is fine - we are a bunch of small-minded detestable shits who live on a horrible, rain-soaked island in the arse end of nowhere. I hate us too.

I believe that Scotland hate the English because we get better weather, with some summer days registering above 0ยบ c. They hate us, because as poor at football as we are, we are millions of miles better than them. The Scottish Premier League is an absolute joke, full of talentless cloggers who would struggle to play in the 2nd tier of English football. The players that are good there are foreign, and soon fire their agents when they realise that actually Glasgow isn't around the corner from London.

Scotland also hate us because we happened to steal a bit of their land a few times but so what? it was crap land anyway, full of peat and shit. Sure, we wanted the North Sea oil and fish, but those have gone now so give it back, I say. Scotland have long been England's embarassing little brother anyway, managing to bring the British mortality rate down by a whopping 20 years what with all their deep-fried mars bars and haggis and that. England don't need Scotland, and Scotland HATE England so let's make a clean break.

I remember the good old days when Scotland were nice to us - they gave us Russ Abbott, the Krankies, plus hosts of other brilliantly funny comedians. Us English used to smile thinking about the luminous vibrance of ginger hair, the tangy taste of a fresh glass of Irn Bru, the lovely aroma of Buckfast pickling under the weak Scottish sun. All was well as we learned to love their alcoholism and general lunacy, so long as they let us use their tiny little province to experiment on before implementing policy changes to England.

But then it all went wrong in the 1990's; we dumped them out of Euro 1996, and an egomaniacal madcap anti-semite decided to make a film about William Wallace, and turn it into a Hollywood blockbuster. Braveheart ended all hopes of an Anglo-Scottish love-in, as the bitter Scots turned their backs on us in droves. With most of Scotland being barely literate, thank the heavens that a deluded Australian with no time for history books was there to enlighten our Scottish brethren to their spectacular mistreatment.

Looking back, a break-up has been on the cards for some time. First they went and got their own parliament which is like a Fisher-Price version of a real parliament. We let them have say on their internal policies and promised not to interfere. But then, the canny wee gits decided to keep their say on what happens in England which seemed a bit of a silly thing to allow. That said, I've never known of a Labour government that hasn't flied in the face of common sense. Perhaps if I was older.

England subsidise Scotland's miserable existence to the tune of billions of pounds per year, and in return we get lambswool sweaters and a handful of potato cakes. And in these austere times, that simply isn't good enough. I've thought about the flag thing too. Even though we all know that Wales is a pretend country, we could integrate their flag into ours. So we will end up with a groovy green background, and a big bastard dragon on the front of it. Sounds better already.

Cray-z in Lurv

OK, so everyone knows that the whole world is going to hell as the capitalist engine grinds to a halt and the commies take over. Vast swathes of Europe and other less important continents are due to be submerged under metres of water as the infernal Chinese machine gathers pace, choking the whole world in smog and melting the ice caps to boot. And if you believe the Mayans, we have less than a year to enjoy the planet we have tried our level best to ruin before it is all blown up anyway.

So thank God or whichever heathen deity you have given your immortal soul to for the shining beacon of hope that is Jay-Z and Beyonce's bloody baby. I already hate the kid which is obviously a bit unfair, but if she grows up and is only ten times as arrogant as Willow Smith then I will be amazed by her humility. The poor kid is already being groomed for international stardom, as her shrill screams have been immortalised on one of Jay-Z's banal tracks.

The only positive I could derive from Beyonce being pregnant was that perhaps for 5 minutes she would go away and leave us alone, and refrain from singing more vapid, candy-coated sexist bilge at least for a bit. But no, being a strong and independent woman she thought ahead and seemingly recorded about 8 billion songs and accompanying videos before her precious offspring ruined her vagina, so she is now more prolific than ever before.

Her latest effort basically consists of her singing the exact same arrangement about 10 times, with each 'verse' growing more and more annoying, as each verse is accompanied by a key change to the point where my ears start bleeding and my brain turns to goo. It's like she's given up even pretending to try and make good music. Such is her fame now that she could release a track entirely comprising of her bloody sprog crying backed with an odious R&B track and her fans would still propel it to number one, providing she wobbled her arse around a bit for the video.

Meanwhile, her bovine-faced chump of a sellout husband has professed that never again shall he use the word 'bitch' in any of his future records, because apparently now he has a daughter of his own he realises that, as a general term to describe 51 percent of the human population it's not the best. Quite what that says about his respect for his wife or even his mum, I wouldn't like to say. I love the fact that Jay-Z has been blubbing about how great it is to be a dad, all the while conveniently forgetting that he already has a 9-year old child who he barely sees.

So what next from the couple who are seemingly intent on capitalising on every event that transpires in their pampered lives? Perhaps we can look forward to bidding for signed photos of Beyonce's placenta on eBay. Or next time Jay-z has his prostate examined we will be treated to a dreary rap about it. Given what we have to look forward to, maybe the end of the world isn't such a bad thing. At least when we're all screaming as we are consumed by the fire of a thousand suns we can take solace in the fact that there will be no more music, merchandise, or self-aggrandising interviews from the smuggest couple in Showbiz.

The biggest stars of 2012

The beginning of any year is usually when all the gay people predict who will have an impact in the celebrity sphere in the coming year and than write their findings into whichever bitchy Heat clone they happen to 'work' for. Being the philanthropist that I am, I will provide you with my insight gratis, which is far more valuable that that of a bitchy queen, because I am a bigger bitch than all of them. My focus for this year will be to predict the stars that I think will gain the most weight. However, like the majority of publications sneeringly written by 10 stone gay men and withered, bitter childless spinsters, I will be sugarcoating my scathing predictions by using flowery words such as 'curvy' or 'voluptuous' when 'fat' would usually be appropriate, because apparently if these words are used instead women don't mind.

Adele

Thanks to her fat bootylicious frame, Adele has the appearance of a greek statue, as moving anywhere is too much of an effort. Burly roadies wheel her out onto the stage, where she manages to belt out out one half-hearted rendition of 'someone like you' before her voice becomes crackly and she is ushered backstage to eat loads of biscuits and smoke 200 Bensons. Here's hoping that Adele will give up the smoking in 2012 so that she can become even more fat womanly. The great thing about Adele is that her ego grows in direct proportion to her fatness ample curves, and if there's anything we need in 2012, it's another diva. You go girlfriend!

Gemma from The Only Way Is Essex

Gemma, who is from Essex and stars in a reality show confusingly called The Only Way Is Esex, lost a lot of weight at the beginning of 2011. But, thankfully by the end of the year she had given up and become a massive dumper again realised that beauty is on the inside. Men must be queuing up to date her, given that most skinny and unwomanly women can only boast one pair of breasts, where Gemma has several, front and back.

Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson has a set of fat folds smokin' hot curves that most skinny minnies would kill for. Pouring her feminine assets into dresses several sizes too small, her porcine lower half has become so huge curvy of late that her toes have fused into trotters! I predict a year of immense growth for the former 'American Idol' singer in 2012, as she becomes even more obese voluptuous by continuing to flitter away her earnings by eating cream cakes, iced buns and racks of lamb.

Christina Aguilera

In 2011, a miracle happened, and that miracle was managing to squeeze the bloated curvy Ms. Aguilera into a corset for one of her shows. Sadly, her massive bodacious thighs billowed out from where the restrictive material ended, giving her the silhouette of a bag of potatoes. The sassy blonde diva is representing all those fatties real women out there who also spend every spare minute of their lives eating cakes made entirely of lard. Xtina should probably cut back on the carbs this year though, because her pudgy curvy face will eventually obscure her eyes and mouth. That said, thank the lord for her humungous nose!

Khloe Kardashian

Khloe Kardashian klearly loves to karb load, as her weight ballooned to 13 stone at the tail end of 2011, and there only seems one way that her shape will go this year. Like Alice the Goon made flesh a latter-day pre-raphaelite goddess, Khloe truly epitomises plump kurvy chic. Standing at an impressive 7 feet tall, and sporting thighs that would intimidate a sumo wrestler, Khloe is representing all the morbidly obese natural women who no doubt make up her considerable fan base. Let's hope that her hubby is a fan of huge real women, lest Khloe's huge sexy arse gets kicked to the kurb.

New Years Resolutions for 2012

Get out of this job before it all comes crashing down

Make bare cash moneys

Eat more blue food

Sell the stuff I don't need

Sell the stuff I do need

Play more Xbox 360

Spend more time on my own, in a ditch

Be kind and accommodating to those who deserve it, and be a massive cunt to everyone else

Rebuild my shattered arms and bicycle and start cycling again

Hate Apple even more than last year

Get down to 200 Facebook 'friends'

Delete all my photos off of Facebook

Do some decorating and stuff and ting

Clear all of the useless crap out of my house (excluding myself)

Consolidate my media empire

Teach the hamster to do handstands