The biggest stars of 2012

The beginning of any year is usually when all the gay people predict who will have an impact in the celebrity sphere in the coming year and than write their findings into whichever bitchy Heat clone they happen to 'work' for. Being the philanthropist that I am, I will provide you with my insight gratis, which is far more valuable that that of a bitchy queen, because I am a bigger bitch than all of them. My focus for this year will be to predict the stars that I think will gain the most weight. However, like the majority of publications sneeringly written by 10 stone gay men and withered, bitter childless spinsters, I will be sugarcoating my scathing predictions by using flowery words such as 'curvy' or 'voluptuous' when 'fat' would usually be appropriate, because apparently if these words are used instead women don't mind.

Adele

Thanks to her fat bootylicious frame, Adele has the appearance of a greek statue, as moving anywhere is too much of an effort. Burly roadies wheel her out onto the stage, where she manages to belt out out one half-hearted rendition of 'someone like you' before her voice becomes crackly and she is ushered backstage to eat loads of biscuits and smoke 200 Bensons. Here's hoping that Adele will give up the smoking in 2012 so that she can become even more fat womanly. The great thing about Adele is that her ego grows in direct proportion to her fatness ample curves, and if there's anything we need in 2012, it's another diva. You go girlfriend!

Gemma from The Only Way Is Essex

Gemma, who is from Essex and stars in a reality show confusingly called The Only Way Is Esex, lost a lot of weight at the beginning of 2011. But, thankfully by the end of the year she had given up and become a massive dumper again realised that beauty is on the inside. Men must be queuing up to date her, given that most skinny and unwomanly women can only boast one pair of breasts, where Gemma has several, front and back.

Kelly Clarkson

Kelly Clarkson has a set of fat folds smokin' hot curves that most skinny minnies would kill for. Pouring her feminine assets into dresses several sizes too small, her porcine lower half has become so huge curvy of late that her toes have fused into trotters! I predict a year of immense growth for the former 'American Idol' singer in 2012, as she becomes even more obese voluptuous by continuing to flitter away her earnings by eating cream cakes, iced buns and racks of lamb.

Christina Aguilera

In 2011, a miracle happened, and that miracle was managing to squeeze the bloated curvy Ms. Aguilera into a corset for one of her shows. Sadly, her massive bodacious thighs billowed out from where the restrictive material ended, giving her the silhouette of a bag of potatoes. The sassy blonde diva is representing all those fatties real women out there who also spend every spare minute of their lives eating cakes made entirely of lard. Xtina should probably cut back on the carbs this year though, because her pudgy curvy face will eventually obscure her eyes and mouth. That said, thank the lord for her humungous nose!

Khloe Kardashian

Khloe Kardashian klearly loves to karb load, as her weight ballooned to 13 stone at the tail end of 2011, and there only seems one way that her shape will go this year. Like Alice the Goon made flesh a latter-day pre-raphaelite goddess, Khloe truly epitomises plump kurvy chic. Standing at an impressive 7 feet tall, and sporting thighs that would intimidate a sumo wrestler, Khloe is representing all the morbidly obese natural women who no doubt make up her considerable fan base. Let's hope that her hubby is a fan of huge real women, lest Khloe's huge sexy arse gets kicked to the kurb.

2 comments:

  1. keep up such informative blogs, i have a real hunger for them.

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