Bye Scotland, don't let the door hit your arse on the way out

It appears that we are moving closer to the very real prospect of an independent Scotland, and I have seen lots of pictures of the Union Flag sans the nice blue background and I must say that it looks a bit rubbish. Other than this, I am struggling for any reason why we shouldn't help them on their way. I would even go so far as to cut Scotland off of mainland Britain with a massive laser and let the miserable buggers float up to Antarctica.

For me, in order for any relationship to work, there has to be give and take. And by give and take, I mean some sort of mutually-beneficial arrangement, not England giving Scotland loads of money, and Scotland taking the massive piss. Generally, the Scots hate the English, and this is fine - we are a bunch of small-minded detestable shits who live on a horrible, rain-soaked island in the arse end of nowhere. I hate us too.

I believe that Scotland hate the English because we get better weather, with some summer days registering above 0ยบ c. They hate us, because as poor at football as we are, we are millions of miles better than them. The Scottish Premier League is an absolute joke, full of talentless cloggers who would struggle to play in the 2nd tier of English football. The players that are good there are foreign, and soon fire their agents when they realise that actually Glasgow isn't around the corner from London.

Scotland also hate us because we happened to steal a bit of their land a few times but so what? it was crap land anyway, full of peat and shit. Sure, we wanted the North Sea oil and fish, but those have gone now so give it back, I say. Scotland have long been England's embarassing little brother anyway, managing to bring the British mortality rate down by a whopping 20 years what with all their deep-fried mars bars and haggis and that. England don't need Scotland, and Scotland HATE England so let's make a clean break.

I remember the good old days when Scotland were nice to us - they gave us Russ Abbott, the Krankies, plus hosts of other brilliantly funny comedians. Us English used to smile thinking about the luminous vibrance of ginger hair, the tangy taste of a fresh glass of Irn Bru, the lovely aroma of Buckfast pickling under the weak Scottish sun. All was well as we learned to love their alcoholism and general lunacy, so long as they let us use their tiny little province to experiment on before implementing policy changes to England.

But then it all went wrong in the 1990's; we dumped them out of Euro 1996, and an egomaniacal madcap anti-semite decided to make a film about William Wallace, and turn it into a Hollywood blockbuster. Braveheart ended all hopes of an Anglo-Scottish love-in, as the bitter Scots turned their backs on us in droves. With most of Scotland being barely literate, thank the heavens that a deluded Australian with no time for history books was there to enlighten our Scottish brethren to their spectacular mistreatment.

Looking back, a break-up has been on the cards for some time. First they went and got their own parliament which is like a Fisher-Price version of a real parliament. We let them have say on their internal policies and promised not to interfere. But then, the canny wee gits decided to keep their say on what happens in England which seemed a bit of a silly thing to allow. That said, I've never known of a Labour government that hasn't flied in the face of common sense. Perhaps if I was older.

England subsidise Scotland's miserable existence to the tune of billions of pounds per year, and in return we get lambswool sweaters and a handful of potato cakes. And in these austere times, that simply isn't good enough. I've thought about the flag thing too. Even though we all know that Wales is a pretend country, we could integrate their flag into ours. So we will end up with a groovy green background, and a big bastard dragon on the front of it. Sounds better already.


  1. Hi there... as a scottish man, i have to say, i am pretty upset...
    i thougt you were all about the minorities.

    i am thinking giving up reading your blog!
    Nah... i could never do that, but perhaps a big embossed photo of William Wallace would or could be added to this flag? i will send you a few prototypes, let me know what you think.

    Your favourite reader...

    Big Les.

  2. This is the single greatest work of analysis and comment that I have seen thus far. This is the stuff that should be 'thought for the day' on radio4. If I knew who my MP was I'd send him/her a link.
    Heck, I reckon you have hit the nail on the head for 90% of the English population. I discount Big Les (no offence Big Les) who I will now be forced to move into the other 10% - the scottish people I know who (to a man) claim to hate england and yet somehow still live south of the border ?!?

    I've been to Scotland. It rained.

    Gotta go. I gotta work on shifting Big Les from one demographic to his/her newly-revealed-true-demographic. This stuff doesnt do itself you know.

    From your 2nd favourite avid reader. A.Non.

  3. At the end of the day England is a still a shite hole regardless.

  4. The easiest way to achieve Scottish independence is not through a Scottish vote but allowing the English to make the decision. It would also save a small fortune which is probably of no concern to the Scots as its funded by the English.
    Goodbye Scotland its been emotional!

  5. Fuck off Scotland you squinty eyed, skirt wearing, scrounging, smackheaded, chavtastic, shit hole loving cocks! I hate you all and your fucking cuntry!

    1. Bawbag, translate that fannybaws.

  6. If you're so glad Scotland's going, what are you complaining about? If you hadn't treated your Celtic neighbours with the kind of disdain we can see above, there might not be any incentive to leave the UK.

    Marianne, a pretend person from Wales