Cray-z in Lurv

OK, so everyone knows that the whole world is going to hell as the capitalist engine grinds to a halt and the commies take over. Vast swathes of Europe and other less important continents are due to be submerged under metres of water as the infernal Chinese machine gathers pace, choking the whole world in smog and melting the ice caps to boot. And if you believe the Mayans, we have less than a year to enjoy the planet we have tried our level best to ruin before it is all blown up anyway.

So thank God or whichever heathen deity you have given your immortal soul to for the shining beacon of hope that is Jay-Z and Beyonce's bloody baby. I already hate the kid which is obviously a bit unfair, but if she grows up and is only ten times as arrogant as Willow Smith then I will be amazed by her humility. The poor kid is already being groomed for international stardom, as her shrill screams have been immortalised on one of Jay-Z's banal tracks.

The only positive I could derive from Beyonce being pregnant was that perhaps for 5 minutes she would go away and leave us alone, and refrain from singing more vapid, candy-coated sexist bilge at least for a bit. But no, being a strong and independent woman she thought ahead and seemingly recorded about 8 billion songs and accompanying videos before her precious offspring ruined her vagina, so she is now more prolific than ever before.

Her latest effort basically consists of her singing the exact same arrangement about 10 times, with each 'verse' growing more and more annoying, as each verse is accompanied by a key change to the point where my ears start bleeding and my brain turns to goo. It's like she's given up even pretending to try and make good music. Such is her fame now that she could release a track entirely comprising of her bloody sprog crying backed with an odious R&B track and her fans would still propel it to number one, providing she wobbled her arse around a bit for the video.

Meanwhile, her bovine-faced chump of a sellout husband has professed that never again shall he use the word 'bitch' in any of his future records, because apparently now he has a daughter of his own he realises that, as a general term to describe 51 percent of the human population it's not the best. Quite what that says about his respect for his wife or even his mum, I wouldn't like to say. I love the fact that Jay-Z has been blubbing about how great it is to be a dad, all the while conveniently forgetting that he already has a 9-year old child who he barely sees.

So what next from the couple who are seemingly intent on capitalising on every event that transpires in their pampered lives? Perhaps we can look forward to bidding for signed photos of Beyonce's placenta on eBay. Or next time Jay-z has his prostate examined we will be treated to a dreary rap about it. Given what we have to look forward to, maybe the end of the world isn't such a bad thing. At least when we're all screaming as we are consumed by the fire of a thousand suns we can take solace in the fact that there will be no more music, merchandise, or self-aggrandising interviews from the smuggest couple in Showbiz.

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