The road to hell

Does anyone know someone who can build jetpacks? I ask this, for I am rapidly running out of palatable ways to get to work. It is well-documented that I have issues with commuting, whether it be by train, car, or bicycle. Perhaps I need to face up to the fact that I either need to move house or change my employer to avoid the utter hell that is my current commute. Last week, I was driven into by someone on their phone who then subsequently blamed their bad driving on the fact that 'they had an automatic car'. I wish this was an isolated incident of stupidity, but the cretin who rammed me is not alone amongst the scores of retarded motorists who should still be tucked up in bed at 7 am. Because I am a highly irritable and pathetic specimen, I have categorised the bad driving styles I witness below, because I have OCD and need to do stuff like that.

The Creeper

This is the driver who thinks that, by driving very slowly, they basically have the right of way in any given situation. They typically exhibit this behaviour when entering onto major roads; they creep forward at about 1 inch per second, slowly becoming more and more of a dangerous obstacle to the flowing traffic until someone loses their nerve and lets them go. These people rarely finish the day with their front bumpers intact.

The Mourner

These mongs seem to be perennially driving to a funeral, as they never come within 10 miles per hour of the speed limit at any given time. Either that or they can see ghosts, and are stuck behind an unseen 1970's era rag 'n' bone man's Horse and cart. A likelier explanation for their behaviour is that they are just not very bright, and their tiny little minds cannot process information in real time. These are probably the same people who walk really slowly too.

The Distracted

Some drivers really have an inflated opinion of their abilities. These are the ones who can smoke, talk on the phone and do their makeup (sometimes all 3 at once) while also being completely safe, and aware of their surroundings. These are also the ones who will crash into objects with alarming regularity, and then blame factors beyond their control for their utter stupidity. They don't know what a 'no claims' bonus is, as they have never had one.

The Tank Driver

I regularly witness people in tiny cars who seemingly are under the illusion that they are driving Hummers. I watch, awestruck, as they hesitantly overtake cyclists, by nonchalantly drifting out 25 yards into oncoming traffic and eventually completing a protracted overtaking manoeuvre which has endangered the lives of the cyclist, the other road users and any pedestrians unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity.

The Duke of Hazard

These drivers like using the old hazard lights, and indeed they will use them to basically excuse being rude, inconsiderate twats. Whether it is stopping on a very busy road to talk to their equally slack-jawed companion who happens to be passing them in the opposite direction, or simply double parking and grid-locking an entire street, they have no shame. Perhaps they will park in a disabled bay despite being able-bodied (if not minded), but then they do have their hazards on so the rest of you can all fuck off.

The Queue-Jumper

Why bother waiting in traffic in a filter lane when you can bomb along on the outside, and then simply force your way into the required lane at the last second? These guys are just too damn busy to wait in traffic like the rest of us proles. They have jobs at Estate Agents or Next to get to. They will wait in the outer lane, blocking it entirely without any shame, and then make out that it is your fault if you rightly decide to not let them in. Someone always caves, and the lesson goes unlearnt.

The Suspicious

These people seemingly have an aversion to circles, as they quite simply refuse to move if there are any other vehicles using a roundabout, regardless of where the others may be in relation to them. If the roundabout is completely clear, they will then bravely venture onto it, reciting 'Hail Mary' as they go. Clutching their rosary beads, they will eventually make their way across - they may indicate, they may not; it all depends how scared they are at the time.

I hope that you have enjoyed this petty and utterly futile brainfart of mine, and that you now regard me with even less fondness than before (if that were possible) but someone has to tell the truth about these menaces on our roads. Be on the lookout for them, for you are only a step away from inflated insurance premiums and Cat D write-offs if you see them. Also, look out for those drivers that combine all of the attributes above - they generally have long hair and wear dresses and things, and they are the most dangerous of all.


  1. que jumpers, them be my worst... i do not like them one bit... i think the worst case i had of this was when i was coming back from a Depache mode gig and was drunk like hell, so decided to stop for a burger and some fries, as i still had 40 miles to get home and my radio was faulty. So i stopped at a drive through ( will not name the restaurant as i do not want to promote it here, but lets just say it is a fast food joint that is present ALL around the world and its owner is scottish and had a farm ).
    So i was queueing up, waiting to order my burger, and then a driver came parellel to me and edged forward and squeezed me out of the cue. They gave me such a look - as to suggest that my hunger was not a concern to anyone.. If i had my wits with me, i would have got out to fight, however the vomit on my jeans prompted me to sit tight and just form a loose upside down fist and wiggle it back and forth to them instead. I got my 3 burgers after, but had to wait an extra 5 minutes as they had 4 people in their car...

    anyway, i hate those type of drivers, also think they are totally unsafe...

    thank you for exposing them... perhaps we could get together for some stunt driving- fast and furious style?

    yours as always...

    Big Les.

  2. I love the relevance of the faulty radio. We can use my horrible pug if you like, it is already damaged. Car Park?

  3. Always talking about Liverpool fans complaining, what is this blog all about? A massive complaint list by Mr Shepard

    1. Yes Mr, Liverpool fan, your much-vaunted powers of deduction strike again. This blog is a complaint list, it only exists to be so. Perhaps the title gave it away? Or were you expecting articles about how to put shelves up, or an online store for Pokemon?

      OMG HE IS TEH HIPPO-CRITE! Jesus weeps for your staggering inability to form a congruent argument. Like the majority of Liverpool fans, you are paranoid with a massive chip on your shoulder, in fact you are well-balanced because you have a chip on both. I am not paranoid. These motorists do exist.

      Everyone is not out to get your massive club. Because no-one cares. If you want me to write a blog about your beloved shower of a club and share it with your indignant, humourless scouse mates, just say. Although I hardly need to point out the obvious; your club is already a massive laughing stock. It even says so in Wikipedia.

  4. Hang-on, was Big Les drink driving?

  5. Big Les metabolises alcohol 1,000 times faster than humans. He can drink a litre of Jack and he is sober before his first piss. This is one of his many talents.

  6. I bet a "loose upside-down fisting" from Big-Les would have given the 4-in-a-car something to consider. "Happy Meal" indeed...