Apparently Cowell shoehorned Dannii Minogue into the X factor, so that they could have an affair for several months, and this was back in 2007, before Dannii started to look all haggard with that weird nostril thing and her vagina got torn to shreds. Fair play to him. Apparently this put Sharon Osborne's beaky nose out of joint, which made her precisely as angry and deranged as any other day. One can only imagine how the dull-as-dishwater Cheryl Cole got her job on the panel; the audition must have been good, that's all I can say. I'm just glad she got stuck in and didn't choke. He also had full sex with loads of other women as well, because there's nothing he enjoys more than having penetrative sex with women.
The coolest thing about Simon Cowell is how all of his conquests get on like a house on fire, and continue to hold him in high regard. In my experience, this is quite unusual. Cowell must be smoother than a freshly-groomed gay man's rectum to pull that one off. He was engaged to his makeup artist for years, which was doubly handy because once he was done having loads of sex with her, she could then do his nails and make sure his eyebrows looked shapely. They could also go shopping on Rodeo Drive together for hours, for straight men love nothing more than to go shopping with their partners. For some reason, it didn't eventually work out, but they are still very good friends. Simon even let her keep one of his mansions; what a gentleman.
Going back further, there was Terri Seymour, a woman with such wretched vocal chords that she constantly sounded like Marge Simpson after eating gravel cakes. Her very strange voice eventually led to the sad breakup of the couple, who nonetheless remained good friends. As a goodwill gesture, Simon Cowell left her with a helicopter, 2 houses and some ponies. So why is such an eligible bachelor having a hard time settling down? Perhaps he just hasn't found 'the one' yet, maybe because no-one can measure up to his mum, who he speaks to every day. Anyway, I'm glad that the whole UK (and indeed the world) can rest easily knowing that Cowell is definitely NOT gay. Because if there's one place that gay men do not fit in, it's within the realm of showbiz and light entertainment.