Simon Cowell is categorically NOT gay

Poor Simon Cowell has had to unfairly live with the rumours surrounding his sexuality for years now, ever since his massive, bog-brush head first graced our television screens on Pop Idol. I, for one, have no idea why. This guy is straighter than a judge for Christ's sake. Look how hairy his arms are, for one thing. Thankfully, this week the tawdry gossip regarding his alleged propensity for cocks can be well and truly silenced, with the announcement that he bumped uglies with the lovely Dannii Minogue. More revelations have since come to light thanks to a steamy biography which has detailed his many dalliances (which were with women) over the years.

Apparently Cowell shoehorned Dannii Minogue into the X factor, so that they could have an affair for several months, and this was back in 2007, before Dannii started to look all haggard with that weird nostril thing and her vagina got torn to shreds. Fair play to him. Apparently this put Sharon Osborne's beaky nose out of joint, which made her precisely as angry and deranged as any other day. One can only imagine how the dull-as-dishwater Cheryl Cole got her job on the panel; the audition must have been good, that's all I can say. I'm just glad she got stuck in and didn't choke. He also had full sex with loads of other women as well, because there's nothing he enjoys more than having penetrative sex with women.

The coolest thing about Simon Cowell is how all of his conquests get on like a house on fire, and continue to hold him in high regard. In my experience, this is quite unusual. Cowell must be smoother than a freshly-groomed gay man's rectum to pull that one off. He was engaged to his makeup artist for years, which was doubly handy because once he was done having loads of sex with her, she could then do his nails and make sure his eyebrows looked shapely. They could also go shopping on Rodeo Drive together for hours, for straight men love nothing more than to go shopping with their partners. For some reason, it didn't eventually work out, but they are still very good friends. Simon even let her keep one of his mansions; what a gentleman.

Going back further, there was Terri Seymour, a woman with such wretched vocal chords that she constantly sounded like Marge Simpson after eating gravel cakes. Her very strange voice eventually led to the sad breakup of the couple, who nonetheless remained good friends. As a goodwill gesture, Simon Cowell left her with a helicopter, 2 houses and some ponies. So why is such an eligible bachelor having a hard time settling down? Perhaps he just hasn't found 'the one' yet, maybe because no-one can measure up to his mum, who he speaks to every day. Anyway, I'm glad that the whole UK (and indeed the world) can rest easily knowing that Cowell is definitely NOT gay. Because if there's one place that gay men do not fit in, it's within the realm of showbiz and light entertainment.


  1. Is BigLes mentioned in Cowells new book ? If so is it time for us site regulars (all 3 of us) to go on a UKR style 'Europe at war' campaign against [definately not gay] Cowell ?

    Oh, and the phrase "Cowell shoehorned Dannii Minogue" is just perfect in terms of mental-imagery. Top writing bitter-youngish-one.


    1. I miss UK:R. What has hapened to Gary's empire? Crumbling like Big Les's diseased member.

  2. He's right, why he won't admit that if he's truly a gay besides he's in the peak of his career.

  3. the Sun run a feature other people who are not gay

    George Clooney is not go.Or so it said

    ps the wicked witch is not dead see