Voles are not to be trusted

I knew a vole once. Never liked him. Always trying to finish my sentences, never actually listening to me. A little sycophant. Normally I would let my intense dislike of voles go over my head, but not after what happened yesterday. I was sitting in my pants, minding my own business, when a vole took it upon himself to repeatedly knock on my door. I asked what it wanted. "Won't you like to see this pegs?." He replied. He was wearing arrogant slip-on canvas shoes, and not much else. He looked like he should have been in One Direction. "No thanks." I slammed the door in his sarcastic little vole face.

About 10 minutes later, I heard a knock on my door again. I ignored it this time, as I was masturbating furiously and crying a bit. But the rapping grew louder, and eventually I was put off. I decided to confront the vole again. I again asked him what he wanted, this time with rather more force. He sneered at me, and produced a drawstring bag, which had pegs and sponges in it. "You buy this pegs?" The vole asked. "I don't want your pegs" I replied. He looked sad at first, then angry. "Good day to you" I said, and slammed the door in his narky, sneering little face.

Roll on an hour, and I was lightly cutting myself with dirty razor blades. The blood was congealing in a most pleasant way, when the knocking on my door started again. I dabbed my bleeding arms on a towel and stomped down the stairs, only stopping to punch myself in the face repeatedly. I almost pulled the door off of it's hinges, only to be confronted by the vole and 2 burly policemen. I realised that I looked a bit of a state, what with my bleeding arms and face, and tried to stammer some pleasantries to the officers. "Hexcuse me sir, this vole says that you stole his television." I was that incredulous, that I was unable to form words. Some dribble came out and I wet myself.

The police pushed past me and removed my television out of my front room. The vole smirked at me as they carried it over my threshold. "This vole has announced that he won't press charges, provided that you buy some pegs from him." I felt in a bind. I gave the vole 10 pounds and he dipped his filthy little hand into the bag, and threw 5 measly pegs onto the floor. They weren't even the same colour or style, and some were faded - obviously stolen. It was then that I realised that the 2 burly policemen were actually scrawny little voles! They ran off with my television and I was powerless to stop them as I was naked and bleeding profusely. The remaining vole just looked at me. "Next time, you buy my pegs, yes? and maybe a sponges?" I said nothing, merely slamming my door in his twattish little vole face.

2 comments:

  1. Hrrumph ? Has the loss of BigLes turned you to drink and drugs ? You sure it was pegs the vole sold you ?

    BigLes will come back Hrrumph. He/She never had it so good.

    A.Non. Still your 2nd favourite reader.

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  2. First off, can i please start in saying- YES, i can confirm that i am very much alive and very well...

    I undertook a physcological experienment that basically resulted in me being camped outside in bushes of a random persons house for a month without any internet access and/or human interaction. During this study i was able to study mundane life to the Nth degree... i cannot say a great deal about my findings until they have been authorised, approved and published... however, i can just add that - Mr Bitter - those cycling shorts are TDF ( YES, To Die For )- oh, also, i think you may be out of coffee, and sugar, oh, and you may want to wash your pillow covers.

    Anyway, enough about me - lets talk about ME - this past few hours, i have been ROFL LOLing as i have had all these AMAZING posts to read...

    Its similar to watching content on TV, or forgetting scheduling constraints and just downloading them.
    I - as an upstanding citezen do not do this - and do not see why- or at least, didn't.
    however, waiting for an ENTIRE week for a blog sometimes DID actually drive me to the edge of Sanity - and left me at tears on my desk sometimes wet...
    However - now - i can relate to these internet junkies, i had so much content at my disposal- it was the best day in my life! i just overloaded - i refer to line 2 of P/g 2 above to describe just HOW excited i was by this...

    i am sorry i ever left you all, i realise that my support and undying love for this blog to one day hit the big time was questioned of late, however i want you to know that i am BACK!!! BACK for GOOD!!!! ( like take that )

    PS - One Direction - OH MY GOD! LOVE THEM!!!!

    Big Les

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