Crane Stupid

Leonardo DiCrapio first appeared in the public spotlight when he starred in a clutch of films prior to his major breakthrough, which was Romeo and Juliet. One of these films was 'The Basketball diaries' which was about his descent from a promising young basketball player to a drug-addled rentboy who had a propensity to nosh off old men in public toilets. Perhaps he had experiences of this from his early 'casting' sessions. It is actually a pretty good film, so you should probably watch it, and if you are a paedophile you will certainly be wearing your 'pause' and 'slow motion' buttons out! Di Caprio rightly received a lot of praise for this role, but he also got rave reviews for his performance in another film, which I just cannot understand.

 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape' is a strange title for a strange film. It has Johnny Depp in it, looking suitably emo/moody (delete as appropriate) as well as a young Leo who plays some sort of retard. He received many plaudits for basically taking the piss. I may well go to hell for this, but me and my pals used to pretend we were 'mongs' by making dumb noises and stuff, because we were horrible little scrotes. But any bloke who tells you that he has never imitated someone with a mental disability is a LIAR. They are the same blokes who profess that they have never watched porn. LIARS. You know who you are.

Anyway, it soon transpires that 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape' is probably his mother, who is sooo morbidly obese that, upon dying, she is lifted out of her house by a crane, because she is too massive to be removed by any other means. I remember watching that poignant scene about 15 years ago, and through my unbridled tears of laughter thinking 'this could never happen'. A bit later, I became aware that this kind of thing DID in fact happen, albeit in America. A common response to improbable stories about individual greed and hubris is 'Only in America', which is what I thought to myself as I digested this news, and then forgot all about it and probably had a massive wank.

Only it's not only in America anymore. This morning, my effeminate jaw literally hit my desk as I read about a 19-year old girl from Wales who recently fell ill and required an ambulance. I suppose that in itself is pretty unremarkable. But what perplexed me is why it took 30 people 8 hours to extricate her from her house? The reason, my chums, is that the girl in question is 63 stone. Of the people, some were builders, who had to knock down 2 walls just to provide enough clearance to remove her from the house. I would imagine that the remainder were there to try and lift her, presumably using one of those harnesses that they put beached whales in.

People have a staggering attitude to obesity. Waddling heart attacks like Beth Ditto are applauded for 'not conforming', yet the irony is that you will have to be of a healthy weight to 'not conform' soon. Are we that sensitive that we would rather turn into a nation of mega-fatties than maintain healthy lifestyles? Most people believe that obesity is some type of insidious disease that comes along and turns otherwise healthy people into gargantuan monsters overnight. 'It's genetic!' they protest, as they stuff their cavernous gullets with chocolate eclairs. Generally, it's not. There are some individuals who have glandular issues, but they probably account for about 0.01% of the fatties out there now. The rest of them are stupid and lazy.

Why is obesity a seemingly human-only affliction? Of all the other ailments which generally affect all of our mammalian brethren, obesity is one of the few that affect us, and only us. That's not strictly true. I have seen obese animals before, but they were all pets, owned by equally-rotund humans. So what's the common denominator here? Could it be... too... much... food? Is that the simple answer to the question which seemingly perplexes so many people today, who 'can't understand' why they are so massive? Is that why 40% of all adult males in the UK are expected to be obese by 2040? Is that why, in poorer nations, obesity generally doesn't exist?

Nah, it couldn't be that simple.

Come back smoking - all is forgiven.

I was idly sitting on my sofa, contemplating my own demise the other day as the dreary rain lashed down my outdated double-glazed windows, when I again started to think about the futility of it all. Perhaps it is best, I mused, if the entire Shittish isles ends up submerged in water, with a 500 square mile floating mound of rubbish being the only marker that we were ever here. It's because I've been thinking about everything going wrong again - people eating too much, demanding too much, and unsustainable rises in population. A morbidly obese, decrepit nation of people who just do not have the good sense to die are ultimately what will kill us all.

On one hand, we have people who are seemingly less healthy and more stupid than ever. On the other, we have advances in medicine which will ensure that these unhealthy walking cadavers will be kept alive for far longer than they naturally would, which means they will need more sustenance to keep their diseased and bloated bodies going. In the middle of this mess, we have a benefits system which perpetually rewards laziness, by flitting away the few remaining taxpayer's hard-earned money. I imagine old people's homes of the future being a series of large barns with corrugated roofs, where slop is endlessly shovelled into rows of gormless mouths belonging to giant oafs who are happy to lie in their own excrement, so long as they can watch Jeremy Kyle repeats for 24 hours a day.

In the midst of my despair, I remembered the faithful cigarette, and started to wonder why it has been treated so harshly by all of us who used to love it. The government has announced plans to do away with branded packaging altogether. Soon, cigarettes will be sold in plain white boxes with a tiny piece of text announcing the brand. A  horrific strapline such as "FOR EVERY CIGARETTE YOU SMOKE, A CHILD IS DECAPITATED' in classic AIDS font will be emblazoned across a grisly picture of some lungs with shit in them. As it is, when people go into petrol garages, they buy and hide cigarettes underneath their porn so others won't judge them. I miss my yellow-fingered chums.

We all know that Nicotine (or possibly Tobacco, I can't be bothered to find out which) is an appetite suppressant. It is perhaps no surprise than, that since smoking has been pretty much criminalised, that waistlines have expanded. Also, we are in the midst of one of the worst recessions ever - it started in 2008, and is still going strong. The smoking ban took effect in 2007. Coincidence? I think not. Also, one less salubrious side effect of smoking is that it does have a tendency to kill you quite young. Well, something needs to, otherwise none of us will actually die until we are well into our 100's. So my plan for saving the human race from obesity, overpopulation and economic ruin is to bring back smoking and make it mandatory. Think about it -  everyone will be svelte, sallow-skinned, and will die at 60. You can thank me later.

What the 2012 FHM '100 sexiest' Poll got wrong

I can't believe it's been a whole year since the advert-heavy spunk rag known as 'FHM' released the results of their annual '100 sexiest women in the world' poll. But, here it is, back again like a malignant tumour that just won't go away. So, have the astue readers of FHM pulled their collective fingers out of their arses, and actually picked some attractive women for a change, or is the list just as jam-packed full of moon-faced harridans as last year? Let's find out.

Tulisa Contostavanosh (1)

Apparently the reward for being the most irritating X-Factor judge yet and letting a stupidly-named man film you whilst he slaps you in the face with his penis is the title of the sexiest woman in the world. All those billions of women on the planet, and not one was adjudged to be sexier than the aforementioned 'singer' and 'TV personality' who 'accidentally leaked' her banal sex tape. Jesus wept. Plus she flashes that bloody awful tattoo whilst doing her X-Factor 'salute' which makes me want to remove her arm with a rusty chainsaw.

Rihanna (3(!!!))

Here she is, still at number 3, and she still looks like she has been smashed in the head repeatedly with a claw hammer. There is not a motorcycle helmet in the world which can adequately circumnavigate her misshapen bonce, which is why Rihanna is never pictured wearing one.

Megan Fox (7)

Poor Megan has dropped 3 places this year, possibly because she has pumped loads of silicone into her face and now resembles a cat. Plus she still has big toes for thumbs.

Emily Atack (10)

Despite having a face like a widescreen telly, Emily climbed a massive 8 places this year, which is no mean feat considering the encumbrance which her massive head introduces. A walking timebomb of repressed fatness waiting to explode once she hits 25.

Pippa Middleclass (11)

Despite all evidence to the contrary, Pippa is not Kate Middleton's mum, and is only a few years older than her sibling. Apparently she has an amazing arse, which I suppose she does, were she a 10-year old boy, and I was a massive paedophile. But she's not and either am I. She has no arse to speak of at all and looks 45.

Jessie J (16)

Just wow. Soaring up from number 55, we have another intensely annoying reality TV 'judge'. This one has the delicate features of a space-hopper, and remains about as sexy as a stick of broccoli, even with most of her clothes removed, which they regularly are. She has the gangly limbs and malevolent glare of a spider.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (18)

2012 will fondly be remembered as the year when robots were first allowed to take part in the esteemed FHM poll. Ironically, Rosiebot's breakthrough role come in Transformers, a film about robots in which she plays a human! Lovingly created by Michael Bay and his team of maniacal inventors, Rosiebot is now serviced regularly by Jason Statham. She has all the charisma (and intelligence) of a wet dishcloth.

Cher Lloyd (25)

The annoying bobblehead-made-flesh may have slipped out of the public eye somewhat this year, but it is clear that many lads are still starching their socks over her. She just needs a sex tape to break into the top 10.

Taylor Momsen (29)

This former child star is sooo desperate for people to think that she is all edgy now, which she fails to achieve by saying bruises are cool and how she is really crazy and stuff. Most of the time, she looks like she has fallen head-first into the 'lost property' box of a brothel. She applies eye makeup like a Liverpool fan applies rational thought, which is not very well at all.

Christine Bleakley (58)

Somehow she has climbed from number 93 this year, despite fronting a breakfast show which has been subsequently (and deservedly) axed. How are adolescent lads even aware of her? they are all tucked up in bed until at least 11 am. The early morning stints have made her look even older than before, with her withered face now resembling a tan leather handbag.

Britney Spears (59)

So she's fallen quite a bit, but she still somehow infests the top 100 with her unhinged presence. Bedraggled and unkempt, and she is thicker in the middle than Kerry Katona. Who the hell is shining their jimmy to her these days?

Kate Garraway (97)

Perhaps having a face like the Mekon from 'Dan Dare' turns on the young folk of 2012, who I guess are banging one out to this 'MILF'. They either need their eyes testing, or this is all a big joke, like when fat people get voted for in talent shows.