Come back smoking - all is forgiven.

I was idly sitting on my sofa, contemplating my own demise the other day as the dreary rain lashed down my outdated double-glazed windows, when I again started to think about the futility of it all. Perhaps it is best, I mused, if the entire Shittish isles ends up submerged in water, with a 500 square mile floating mound of rubbish being the only marker that we were ever here. It's because I've been thinking about everything going wrong again - people eating too much, demanding too much, and unsustainable rises in population. A morbidly obese, decrepit nation of people who just do not have the good sense to die are ultimately what will kill us all.

On one hand, we have people who are seemingly less healthy and more stupid than ever. On the other, we have advances in medicine which will ensure that these unhealthy walking cadavers will be kept alive for far longer than they naturally would, which means they will need more sustenance to keep their diseased and bloated bodies going. In the middle of this mess, we have a benefits system which perpetually rewards laziness, by flitting away the few remaining taxpayer's hard-earned money. I imagine old people's homes of the future being a series of large barns with corrugated roofs, where slop is endlessly shovelled into rows of gormless mouths belonging to giant oafs who are happy to lie in their own excrement, so long as they can watch Jeremy Kyle repeats for 24 hours a day.

In the midst of my despair, I remembered the faithful cigarette, and started to wonder why it has been treated so harshly by all of us who used to love it. The government has announced plans to do away with branded packaging altogether. Soon, cigarettes will be sold in plain white boxes with a tiny piece of text announcing the brand. A  horrific strapline such as "FOR EVERY CIGARETTE YOU SMOKE, A CHILD IS DECAPITATED' in classic AIDS font will be emblazoned across a grisly picture of some lungs with shit in them. As it is, when people go into petrol garages, they buy and hide cigarettes underneath their porn so others won't judge them. I miss my yellow-fingered chums.

We all know that Nicotine (or possibly Tobacco, I can't be bothered to find out which) is an appetite suppressant. It is perhaps no surprise than, that since smoking has been pretty much criminalised, that waistlines have expanded. Also, we are in the midst of one of the worst recessions ever - it started in 2008, and is still going strong. The smoking ban took effect in 2007. Coincidence? I think not. Also, one less salubrious side effect of smoking is that it does have a tendency to kill you quite young. Well, something needs to, otherwise none of us will actually die until we are well into our 100's. So my plan for saving the human race from obesity, overpopulation and economic ruin is to bring back smoking and make it mandatory. Think about it -  everyone will be svelte, sallow-skinned, and will die at 60. You can thank me later.


  1. Smoking was more fun when I was a kid and the Marlboro cowboy way weas still around. Even sneaking a fag behind a rusty, urine soaked, wet and windy bike shed was more glamourour when imaging you were in "Marlboro Country". Then it got all bad-for-you. The inevitable slide onto 'Marlboro lights'. Then the odd 'small cigar' ('cause it aint really smoking then is it ?) Now its practically illegal.

    God I'm depressed.

    I bet BigLes can smoke good.

  2. Sorry my typing went all weird above. I think it was nostalgia, tears, and nicotine withdrawal.