What the 2012 FHM '100 sexiest' Poll got wrong

I can't believe it's been a whole year since the advert-heavy spunk rag known as 'FHM' released the results of their annual '100 sexiest women in the world' poll. But, here it is, back again like a malignant tumour that just won't go away. So, have the astue readers of FHM pulled their collective fingers out of their arses, and actually picked some attractive women for a change, or is the list just as jam-packed full of moon-faced harridans as last year? Let's find out.

Tulisa Contostavanosh (1)

Apparently the reward for being the most irritating X-Factor judge yet and letting a stupidly-named man film you whilst he slaps you in the face with his penis is the title of the sexiest woman in the world. All those billions of women on the planet, and not one was adjudged to be sexier than the aforementioned 'singer' and 'TV personality' who 'accidentally leaked' her banal sex tape. Jesus wept. Plus she flashes that bloody awful tattoo whilst doing her X-Factor 'salute' which makes me want to remove her arm with a rusty chainsaw.

Rihanna (3(!!!))

Here she is, still at number 3, and she still looks like she has been smashed in the head repeatedly with a claw hammer. There is not a motorcycle helmet in the world which can adequately circumnavigate her misshapen bonce, which is why Rihanna is never pictured wearing one.

Megan Fox (7)

Poor Megan has dropped 3 places this year, possibly because she has pumped loads of silicone into her face and now resembles a cat. Plus she still has big toes for thumbs.

Emily Atack (10)

Despite having a face like a widescreen telly, Emily climbed a massive 8 places this year, which is no mean feat considering the encumbrance which her massive head introduces. A walking timebomb of repressed fatness waiting to explode once she hits 25.

Pippa Middleclass (11)

Despite all evidence to the contrary, Pippa is not Kate Middleton's mum, and is only a few years older than her sibling. Apparently she has an amazing arse, which I suppose she does, were she a 10-year old boy, and I was a massive paedophile. But she's not and either am I. She has no arse to speak of at all and looks 45.

Jessie J (16)

Just wow. Soaring up from number 55, we have another intensely annoying reality TV 'judge'. This one has the delicate features of a space-hopper, and remains about as sexy as a stick of broccoli, even with most of her clothes removed, which they regularly are. She has the gangly limbs and malevolent glare of a spider.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley (18)

2012 will fondly be remembered as the year when robots were first allowed to take part in the esteemed FHM poll. Ironically, Rosiebot's breakthrough role come in Transformers, a film about robots in which she plays a human! Lovingly created by Michael Bay and his team of maniacal inventors, Rosiebot is now serviced regularly by Jason Statham. She has all the charisma (and intelligence) of a wet dishcloth.

Cher Lloyd (25)

The annoying bobblehead-made-flesh may have slipped out of the public eye somewhat this year, but it is clear that many lads are still starching their socks over her. She just needs a sex tape to break into the top 10.

Taylor Momsen (29)

This former child star is sooo desperate for people to think that she is all edgy now, which she fails to achieve by saying bruises are cool and how she is really crazy and stuff. Most of the time, she looks like she has fallen head-first into the 'lost property' box of a brothel. She applies eye makeup like a Liverpool fan applies rational thought, which is not very well at all.

Christine Bleakley (58)

Somehow she has climbed from number 93 this year, despite fronting a breakfast show which has been subsequently (and deservedly) axed. How are adolescent lads even aware of her? they are all tucked up in bed until at least 11 am. The early morning stints have made her look even older than before, with her withered face now resembling a tan leather handbag.

Britney Spears (59)

So she's fallen quite a bit, but she still somehow infests the top 100 with her unhinged presence. Bedraggled and unkempt, and she is thicker in the middle than Kerry Katona. Who the hell is shining their jimmy to her these days?

Kate Garraway (97)

Perhaps having a face like the Mekon from 'Dan Dare' turns on the young folk of 2012, who I guess are banging one out to this 'MILF'. They either need their eyes testing, or this is all a big joke, like when fat people get voted for in talent shows.


  1. wow.. this list just gets worse and worse...
    maybe we could create our own list?
    but like a mixed list ?
    perhaps add Justin Timberlake in the mix? a bit of Beiber fever? maybe even through in some Golden balls?
    i reckon a few of them would be higher then some of the ugly womans in this list.. its crazy.
    That Tulisa - number one? i have seen some better cashiers in my local Asda store.
    am still in shock and currently writing a complaint letter to FHM, who votes for these woman ? or actually, who counts the vote?

    hey - what would your top ten "people" in the world be ?

    Peace out - BL. ( BL = Big Les, not Bad Leg )

  2. That is one seriously fucked up list.

  3. Funniest and most accurate list i've seen in a while! haha completely agree with Emily Atacks repressed fatness. Im absolutely baffeld by her even being seen as attractive with such a piggish face.